Not everyone is looking forward to the end of the year holidays. Indeed, discriminating reflections and “jokes” often go well, without anyone around the table rising up. At Christmas, is it better to educate the oppressors or protect themselves from them?
Almost as inevitable as the log or the last minute errands, the politico-problematic jokes of the racist uncle and the auntie réac ‘punctuate the end-of-year meals, often in the greatest of calm. While some laugh at it, others apprehend these oppressive reflections, because they offend their convictions or worse, because these people know full well that they will be the targets. Between tiring pedagogy, silent anger and forced acceptance, we do not always know how to react in these situations, whether we are victims or witnesses. So we tried to establish a survival tactic by talking to Marie Dasylva.
You do not yet know this coach, who helps people who are minority because they are racialized, LGBTQI +, neuroatypical, fat and / or disabled? In 2017, Marie Dasylva created Nkali Works, his professional coaching agency initially intended for black people. Within this structure, she develops tailor-made strategies to help her clients protect themselves from attacks taking place in their professional environment. She is also making herself known on social networks with the hashtag #JeudiSurvieAuTaf, which denounces the racism and discrimination experienced by minority employees in the office. Beyond the professional environment, she helps people who are discriminated against to deal with the attacks they face in everyday life and especially at Christmas.
On December 16, 2021, she was hosting a program entitled “Happy Holidays: Oppressive Holidays: Family Self-Defense Masterclass”, which aimed to help minority people in their families or in-laws to better manage the festivities. Did you miss the event? Don’t panic: his book will appear on January 28, 2022 Survive the job, published by Daronnes editions. In it, she describes the tactics she has developed to help people who are harassed in the workplace. She also analyzes the logics of oppression and develops clear tools allowing victims to reverse the balance of power. While waiting for this outing, Marie Dasylva gives us precious advice on the vast question of the education of oppressors at Christmas and the self-defense often necessary within her own family / in-laws.
To educate or to be silent, are there other choices?
For Marie Dasylva, it is better to avoid being Manichean in her approach to the end of year celebrations, because if some people are able to receive an education on the issue of discrimination, others will not listen to you. “To educate, in this context, must always be accompanied by the will to defend oneself, she explains. It is important to have safeguards. For example, you might say to yourself, ‘This person, last year, told me the same thing. I have already corrected it. It’s not worth it because it’s intentional ‘”. To be in what she calls “Self-economy”, the professional coach prefers to opt for a “Chosen pedagogy” : education should be seen as a “selflessness”, that the educated person must be able to receive “In good faith”.
To make sure you don’t give too much time to someone who won’t listen to you and use your words to trick you, Marie Dasylva advises applying her 300-second principle. In short, you have a daily capital of 300 seconds which can be spent educating others on the subject of discrimination, but you must not exceed it. A principle that allows “Manage your time well so as not to leave the person opposite the possibility of influencing our emotions”.
In a family environment, humor is the preferred weapon to discriminate against others
“Hey, you know that joke about black people who…”, “Don’t talk about Polanski, that will piss off the feminist…”, “Rhooo, but it’s humor, we can’t tell you!” No need to expand, you see the picture. And it shows an inglorious reality: humor is one of the favorite weapons of the oppressors, because it allows to target the minority person of the family without appearing to be. For Marie Dasylva, humor then becomes a very perverse weapon. “Whoever is playing this joke on you knows it’s not funny, she analyzes. She meant to hurt you. But when you pretend to laugh in order to get out of this situation, the other is in full enjoyment of his domination. ”
Indeed, as part of his research for the writing of Survive the job, Marie Dasylva looked at Adilson Moreira’s book entitled Recreational Racism, which analyzes how the work of comedians who complain that they can no longer say anything is constantly being built at the expense of minorities. During family meals like Christmas, the same cogs are put into action: “If someone makes you an oppressive remark in the tone of humor and you are the only person who knows what is behind it, when you are going to want to defend yourself, you will be seen as the one who breaks the mood”. In other words, that humor is used to silence you.
How to react to this “humor”?
For Marie Dasylva, the most important thing is above all not to laugh. Confident discomfort of the interlocutor.trice, which should make him want to start over at least until dessert time. He insists? Our expert explains that naming things can be very effective. “An oppressive joke can be received by a ‘It doesn’t make me laugh’ or by a ‘I’m not in that kind of humor here’”, she advises.
You can also ask questions, ask the person who is making this “joke” or that sour remark to you why they are saying that. For Marie Dasylva, “It’s a way of turning the other face back to itself”, a kind of not really shiny mirror. So many techniques to test in a few days, but be careful: “We must always respond within the limits of the consequences that we can accept”. In other words, whatever your reaction – the silence that says it all, the dry little sentence or the mirror interrogation – it will have repercussions (change in the image people have of you, aggressiveness on their part or even disputes). So you need to be aware of your limits before you start.
And since it is not always easy to respond at the time to an oppressive reflection (how many times, 2 hours later, have you said to yourself: “I should have answered him that.”), Marie Dasylva insists on ‘importance of detaching yourself from “Dictatorship of the moment”. “Sometimes we are not able to respond right away, she explains, but it can be done after. There is no limitation for the right of reply. ”
The importance of having allies near you
When you face a discriminating thought or joke on Christmas, it often happens that it is said in front of an audience. It can then be good to have allies, who will take over and support you if you are not in a position to react.
Marie Dasylva takes the example of women who worked in the Obama administration, who developed the technique of amplification. “These women were subjected to sexism during meetings – they were cut off or not given to them, they were discredited, their ideas were not heard, except when they were taken up by men., she explains. They therefore developed an amplification system, that is to say that when woman A made a point, it was repeated throughout the meeting by woman B, woman C and woman D. ”
According to the coach, we can do the same with his allies during big family reunions like Christmas, New Year or a birthday … If you are unable to express yourself, someone close to you can relay your word by quoting you until it is heard: “As Amandine Gay says (director, author ofA chocolate doll and Afro-feminist activist, Editor’s note), allies must be accomplices ”. So do not hesitate to warn them upstream of the fact that you are going to need their support.
Transform your anxiety by naming things
For Marie Dasylva, it is imperative to transform her anxiety by naming what is wrong. Because whatever you do, apprehension will be present. “You can warn and say to other people, ‘You know, I’m not very fit. So expect me to do less’ ”, she advises. Doing this makes it possible to announce and manage this impulse that one will have to satisfy the other at all costs ”. It is also a good way for women to deal with the enormous mental load of organizing the holiday season.
Beyond the “jokes” of those around them, the holidays are often overwhelming because of the social pressure associated with them (cooking well, being impeccable, making everyone feel at ease). The right resolution to take, according to Marie Dasylva: arbitrarily decide to do less. In the same way, she advises to reappropriate humor to point the finger at the inaction of certain men who come to Christmas by putting their feet under the table. “You can say, ‘Look, guys, can you help us out today? Can it be a first gift? ‘”, she explains. Or just explain to them that you are tired, because you have been carbonated for a while and that you need them to take over.
Don’t be afraid to be cunning
If all these techniques seem impossible to you to apply, the strategy of avoidance remains. For example, the professional coach advises to go to the bathroom often, to use a headache as an excuse to leave the table earlier (“It must be the third dose that tires me”) or to chat with friends via his cell phone to decompress a bit.
And if it’s really too difficult for you, Marie Dasylva suggests simply not to go, on the pretext, for example, that you are case-contact. Because if speaking the truth is also a gift of oneself, the person opposite is not always able to receive it. “It can be violent to celebrate Christmas, insists the expert. But you shouldn’t feel obligated to go there and prioritize yourself. If we know that the truth is likely to make matters worse and that we are not ready to face reprisals, saying that we are case-contact not to go there can be very useful ”.
If the end-of-year celebrations can be very scary, they also allow us to ask important questions, in particular by questioning what we put behind the word “family”. “You don’t have to be, every time, the one who wonders how the people around are feeling: they too must ask themselves the question of how you feel”, explains the expert. Who concludes: “Perhaps we should say to ourselves that this apparent peace, this conciliation, rests on our silence. And perhaps it should be understood that the family represents above all bonds of love and respect, not only bonds of blood. ”