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Decorating the Christmas tree, morning routines or dates for reflection – our everyday lives are full of rituals. And that’s just as well.
December is a month full of rituals: St. John’s Day, four Sundays in Advent, Christmas and New Year’s Eve. But not everyone likes these rituals. For many, they are associated with stress and arguments – especially Christmas. But there are also everyday rituals that often help us more than religious rituals today.
We need rituals because they give us security, orientation and security.
From bedtime stories, to regular meetings with friends in the same restaurant, to Christmas – our everyday lives are full of rituals. And that’s a good thing, says psychologist and psychotherapist Sandra Figlioli-Hofstetter: “We need rituals because they give us security, orientation and security.”
Rituals are predictable – the family is not
The good thing about rituals is that they always happen the same way and you know what to expect. So you can look forward to it. Even if the house blessing sometimes goes wrong at Christmas. “But that’s not because of Christmas, i.e. because of the ritual, but because of the family,” says the psychologist and psychotherapist.
When the family gets together, you meet relatives that you don’t see throughout the year and topics come up for discussion that only lead to discord in this family constellation.
Tips for peaceful family celebrations
“You either work on yourself or on the ritual,” suggests the psychologist. “It just takes a bit of courage to change rituals.” Instead of celebrating Christmas three times, you decide to only take part in one celebration. Instead of standing in the kitchen for hours and then spreading a bad mood while serving the holiday meal, Wienerli and potato salad are enough as a Christmas menu.
Rituals in everyday life
Figlioli-Hofstetter believes rituals in everyday life are much more important than the Christmas ritual. “These provide orientation,” especially rituals that you maintain as a couple. “Couples who have been together for a long time may no longer have any rituals,” the psychotherapist knows from her practice. She recommends meeting as a couple once a week. For such a date, the couple comes up with different ideas: cooking a special menu, going to the cinema, going for a walk or trying out a new sport. The imagination knows no limits.
Speaking and listening as a ritual
A ritual that is not immediately easy is the couple’s conversation. Figlioli-Hofstetter also maintains this with her husband. She arranges to meet him once a week to talk. The rules of the game are simple: everyone gets five minutes in which he or she can speak without being interrupted.
“Being able to just be silent and listen or just speak without being interrupted is challenging, but very interesting.” And if both have spoken or listened for five minutes? “Then you can go into a second or third round.” The couple’s dialogue is also well received by her clients. “Especially because we all have a tendency to interrupt the people we’re talking to,” says the therapist.
Rituals are also good for friendships
“It could be a regular lunch in the same restaurant,” suggests Figlioli-Hofstetter. Or you travel together for a weekend once a year. This is where it becomes clear that always the same process and anticipation contribute to the success of such rituals.