Yes, but both really have to agree. And boldly represent yourself. Ben and Jenny have sex almost every day. Gunda and Martin have sex occasionally. Olaf and Edmund have sex very occasionally. And Anne and Toni? They don't have sex at all. "Occasional sex" falls into the "problematic but acceptable" category. But "no sex at all"? When couples say they don't have sex, they usually do it shamefully, as if they are doing something wrong. As a therapist, if a couple has no more sex at all, I want to find out what it is and how it can be changed. Because it's true: Sexlessness often arises from a lack of trust, disappointment, lack of closeness or unresolved conflicts.
Sometimes more than just sex is missing
And yet there is not always a problem lurking behind the lack of sex. It can also be perfectly fine for a couple not to have sex. A couple can have an intense physical relationship, but it is not sexual. Connected closeness and intimacy are based on openness and are not dependent on sexuality. Much can be missing for couples: humor, closeness, understanding, common interests, money, work, time. All of this is difficult. But nothing unsettles couples like not having sex. More specifically: not having sex MORE.
It is a fixed rule in our heads: It is possible to have sex with one another without being or becoming a couple. But it is not possible to become a couple without having sex with each other. As a spooky wedding and wedding night still firmly connected by our brains. Sex is also the protective boundary of our love relationships. No sex with others! A perfectly understandable borderline. Because sex can be immediate intimacy, our binding hormones bubbles and babies can be born.
Oskar Holzberg, 66, has been advising couples in his Hamburg practice for more than 20 years and is always asked relationship questions. His current book is called: "New key phrases of love" (242 p., 20 euros, Dumont).
How safe can a limit be, which is to exclude everyone else from our sex life if we don't have a sex life at all? Is my partner really not looking for sex – or just not with me, and is he missing something? Isn't sex an innate need? Are we really kidding ourselves if we assure each other that we don't need sex? You have to talk about that. But couples who answer these questions honestly and consistently can also be happy without sex. Surveys always show between 10 percent and 30 percent, both men and women, who say that sex is not important to them. But we are a sexualized society. Sexyness is very important and is an important pillar of our self-confidence. Why sometimes the first step is difficult: The fear of revealing yourself to your partner with your own sexual disinterest. A couple who does not have sex has to learn to confidently stand up for their lack of sex and to stand up to the skeptical gaze of the environment. Because it is easier for a couple to be happy even without sex than to feel right with it.
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