Envy is wrongly demonized, says envy researcher and social psychologist Katja Corcoran: it can do much more than just make us small.
Brigitte: Envy is an emotion that is not at all socially acceptable. But why do we have it?
Katja Corcoran: I can hardly imagine a society without envy. I’m also skeptical that it would be a better, more beautiful world. We are social beings and automatically compare ourselves to others. Envy helps us to locate ourselves, to find structure, it makes us strive for something. If this feeling arises in me because someone else has or can do something that I would also like to have or could, it can spur me on. People want something, not just loll around.
So jealousy isn’t a bad thing?
No, not per se. Envy is an exciting guide. He gives me feedback: where do I want to go, what is important to me? If I’m suddenly jealous of something, it can be an indication that I haven’t dealt with a longing enough.
For example, what could that be?
Maybe I have a colleague who is good at being with her family a lot and taking a more casual approach to her job. If I envy them that, it can tell me that a better work-life balance is actually more my thing than the dogged career I’m pursuing right now.
Still, it doesn’t feel nice.
Envy always creates a little sadness. But it’s worth tracking down. Because maybe I really wanted to give my life a different direction.
But does envy really bring me closer to my desires? If I think I’d like a raise, a little house on an island, I’m not going, hey presto, to the finish.
Of course, that can only be a very fleeting feeling. Or I feel a big boost that ultimately leads to nothing. It takes a lot to really take action: resources that I activate. plans that I make. Obstacles I overcome.
And yet: there are some things that I envy of others that I will simply never achieve.
Is correct! Sometimes it helps to recognize the effort that others have put into it, e.g. B. to have a certain lifestyle. Then I drift less into negative envy. Often we only see one aspect, not the whole package that comes with it. Maybe there is a father who earns a lot but never actually has time for his family. Or the children all play the violin and piano wonderfully, but they have deficits in other areas. We are not jealous of the overall package, if we are completely honest with ourselves.
You speak of “negative envy”.
Yes, it is rather destructive. We could actually wish we didn’t have it. It arises, for example, from helplessness. If I notice that I can’t catch up with the other person, it’s not in my hands.
How do I know that my envy is tipping over?
When I begrudge others something. actually wants to harm you. Talk bad about them, put obstacles in their way. I have to be careful there. It’s a really aggressive act. If I let this negative envy run free, in the end nothing will come of it for me either: I achieve nothing at all, except that I dismantle myself and the others.
When envy seems to eat me up…
… I should try to get out of the negative affect, to calm down. You need a more positive mood to regain access to your own strengths. If you play out the same thoughts of your own insufficiency over and over again, you end up in a vicious circle.
What can break through it?
For example, keep a diary about situations in which you felt lucky: Were you grateful for something? Did you help someone? Then something shifts in our favor. We often downplay what we achieve day after day. But everyone has something they can be proud of.
Nevertheless, we are all driven by the delusion that life is only happy and successful if we have got hold of exactly this or that.
The idea that only this love or career is the only true one is very dangerous. We limit ourselves so much and block many opportunities to be happy. It is more healing to appreciate the things in life that have gone well.
A big topic of envy is how big the family happiness of the others seems to be.
Here we have to make it clear: We don’t perceive anything objectively, after all we are not cameras. In addition, we often only see what other people want to show us about their lives. And although two families may succeed in life to the same extent, albeit in different ways, the distorted feeling arises: one fails, the others shine. So you should ask yourself: what do I really envy: is it reality or just a fantasy of mine?
How do we break the fallacy that the grass is always greener on the other side?
We can look behind the scenes: What are the others doing for it, what is their commitment? And where are the corners with the weeds?
But there are certainly situations where constructive envy doesn’t help me. For example, in the case of an unfulfilled desire to have children, which can just be terribly sad.
Yes, that’s right. The object of envy is unattainable. I have to face it because I won’t be able to force it. But that applies to goals that cannot be achieved in general – being able to let go. This is where the realization helps: Why is this one thing so important to me? In this case, the biological ability to become a mother. I then reduce everything to the idea that a child must grow up in my womb. When you think this through, you may realize how problematic and self-damaging this idea is. But nobody keeps me from being a mother or caring for someone else. I definitely don’t want to downplay the issue. This can be very dramatic and there is real grieving to be done. But you fight against big social expectations and myths, for yourself and for others.
Can I actually say that I’m jealous am? When the girlfriend becomes a mother, goes on a trip around the world or has the success at work that I might have been grudged for.
Yes. It would even be important in a friendship to have the courage to let go of a nagging emotion like envy. To be able to name this pain. Why should it be reprehensible to say, oh, I would like that too? If we were more honest, it would enrich our relationships. My girlfriend could consider how she can help me out of the feeling of lack or even offer me active support.
How do you address it without stressing the other person?
Talk about your feelings and don’t question your girlfriend’s merits. As long as you allow your girlfriend the good things that are happening to her, everything is ok. In the long term, a good relationship benefits from a certain balance: We want to be on the same level – maybe the girlfriend will say: Look how great you are.
Does social media increase our feelings of envy? When everyone posts their super cake, their defined body, their Costa Rica trip on Instagram?
Social media creates an incredible amount of opportunity for social comparison. And there is increasingly high-tuned self-portrayal – a completely transfigured world. But we’re not completely naive. It is also in our power not to expose ourselves to these images.
Katja Corcoran is a professor at the University of Graz, where she heads the social psychology department. Her areas of focus include envy research, social comparisons, and behavior change interventions.