Stefanie Stahl: That is crucial for a happy life

“Deep and fulfilled bonds” ensure “that we remain mentally and physically healthy. They are the decisive factor for a happy and fulfilling life,” says psychologist and bestselling author Stefanie Stahl in an interview with spot on news. This year she is again at the top of the “Spiegel” annual bestseller list with her successful title “The child in you must find a home” – for the sixth time in a row. Here the expert explains how to bring confidence into your life and why many good New Year’s resolutions fail.

Dear Ms. Stahl, your mega-seller “The child in you must find a home” remains in high demand among readers. What do you think is the key to great success?

Stefanie Stahl: In the book, I used the shadow child to create a clear structure of how our childhood imprints strongly influence our thinking, feeling and behavior. Everyone can find themselves in this structure and work on their individual topics.

With the sun child I deliver a structure to solve the problems. Since these topics apply to everyone, every adult and young person can work well with them. As a result, the book helps people improve their self-esteem and solve their problems. That is why it is very often recommended and given away.

In your book “Who we are” you write that you are very pleased that “social attitudes towards psychological issues are noticeably changing and opening up”. How is this change noticeable?

Stahl: Many people have now understood that psychological issues affect us all because mental processes determine perception, emotions, thinking and acting. Anyone who ignores this is determined by others through their unconscious psychological processes.

Young people in particular are very open to psychology. You are aware that saving our world depends on how reflective people act. Psychological podcasts are a medium they are particularly receptive to. My colleagues and I are noticing this especially in the increasing listenership of podcasts, sold-out shows, and higher sales of psychology books.

But we don’t just see the change in the quantity, the openness of the people has also increased. The shame of showing one’s own issues in public has decreased. Celebrities are often pioneers who pave this new way. We’ve seen that more often in recent years.

The turn of the year is coming. Many people make good resolutions. Why is it that they often fail?

Stahl: Resolutions that are made for the New Year are mostly rational, along the lines of: I have to lose weight, drink less, jog more, etc. But there is often no real emotional will behind them. For deeper insights that result in new behaviors, you don’t need a change of year. I believe that the good resolutions for the New Year primarily serve the purpose that you can really let off steam beforehand.

What does it take to truly reprogram yourself to have lasting success with the changes?

Stahl: It is important to have a clear will, and unfortunately that cannot be achieved purely rationally. Especially when the level of suffering is low, it gets stuck with “You should…”. Good intentions work better when they come from within, because you have a deep insight, a need. I think one should ask oneself what one really wants oneself and align oneself less with what is preached from the outside. If the good intentions are really your own and not just a “You should…” then the likelihood that I will integrate them into my life is much higher.

In “Who we are” you advise the readers to put themselves at the service of the community and to realize that there are billions of other people with often much harder fates than their own. Can that also be a good strategy to get out of the crisis mode in which many people feel trapped after the Corona and energy and price crises?

Stahl: That’s a little plea at the end of the book. Essentially, it’s about how our psyche works. Through service to the community one can stabilize one’s self-esteem in a healthy way and grow beyond one’s ego anxiety. Higher values ​​and the experience of meaning give strength.

If we shift from the “I-focus” to the “we-focus”, a very important basic psychological need of the human being is fulfilled: the need for attachment. In turn, deep and fulfilled bonds ensure that we remain mentally and physically healthy. They are the decisive factor for a happy and fulfilling life. What most people strive for.

These current crises come from outside, without being able to take countermeasures as an individual: How can I generally overcome the feeling of helplessness?

Stahl: By focusing on those things that are within your control, that is, focusing on the here and now of your daily life. Then you can think about what you can personally contribute to make the world a little bit better. Monetary donations, clothing donations, honorary positions and and and, there are many ways to contribute something constructive. Help doesn’t always have to be far away. If you can do something in your own village, in your own neighborhood, that helps those around you and the helpers get direct feedback.

How do you bring confidence back into your life and that of those around you?

Stahl: Again, community through bonding can be a way. We as humans strive to be seen. If you can give other people an open ear in their worries and needs, a lot has already been achieved. There are places where this happens more often: in clubs or in the church.

But of course it starts earlier, with the encounters that I have in my everyday life. Sometimes it’s the conversation in line at the checkout, sometimes with the neighbor and sometimes it’s the five minutes you take longer when your girlfriend calls. Just ask and have open conversations. A sympathetic nod, a look into the eyes and a sincere listening. The quality can lie in every encounter.

The Corona crisis has often robbed young people of important development years, now there is a war in Ukraine, rising living costs, and the consequences of climate change are always present. What impact does this have on this generation and how does it affect society as a whole?

Steel: A high degree of adaptability is required of the new generation. It feels like times are changing by the minute and flexibility is required here. The effects this has on society as a whole will be determined in future psychological studies.

It is all the more important in these times that people find stability within themselves and psychoeducation can be very helpful in this regard. There is now a wide range of podcasts, YouTube formats and books. Psychological support can also be very helpful and liberating and does not always have to be given when there is a burning feeling inside. If a feeling of inner control can develop here, one can react better to the outer change.

What is the best way for older generations to deal with this? How can we encourage and support young people?

Stahl: Here, too, the community is required and it is up to the individual to create it. Where can encounters and exchanges between the generations take place? As a young person, this means taking a closer look to see where there are people who might want contact but don’t dare or are unable to make contact: your own grandparents, your neighbor or the residents of the retirement home around the corner.

Of course, the older generation also needs a bit of mental and emotional flexibility. Where do I find connection or where did I let the contact fall asleep? Once this is established, a greater sense of security occurs. Many people are not afraid of death, but afraid of dying alone.

SpotOnNews