Do you belong to the species of the caretaker? Have you devotedly cared for others for decades and done everything to ensure that your loved ones are doing well? Are you a world champion in the disciplines of consoling girlfriends, partnering, helping colleagues, celebrating events, cooking for children, coaching and financing? But instead of a gold medal, do you hear that you are not doing enough? Welcome to the club!
Take care of yourself
You are now in a phase in which life no longer requires you to work continuously. The children are out of the house, the love dramas in the circle of friends are limited. The job takes a back seat. You no longer have to prove to anyone how overly motivated you are through overtime. Ideal conditions to switch from compulsory to freestyle, realign the care program and take care of yourself for a change. But you may be startled to find that you no longer know how to do it.
Because you are out of practice. The self-care muscles are slack due to a lack of training and need an expansion program. But immediately the guilty conscience reports. Isn't it outrageously selfish when you think more about yourself from now on and comfort yourself for a change, mother and pat on the shoulder? The good news is: it's never too late to fall in love again with the woman of your life. And if there are any doubts: you are the woman of your life! Take good care of yourself. You can start right now.
Self-love does not come from nowhere
The bad news: there is probably a lot to clear up first. Self-love and self-care do not fall from the sky. They need fertile inner soil to thrive on. In order to feel welcome and valuable in life as children, we rely on the parents to reflect us lovingly. If your gaze is stern and cold, we lack the link for love in neurobiological terms. The care and calming system in the brain, which ensures well-being, warmth and friendliness, cannot develop optimally.
The generation of women who are 40 to 70 years old has usually missed the loving look painfully and grew up with sentences like "Don't take yourself too seriously. Don't be so sensitive. Only if you do a lot of work you are worth something". Not good starting conditions. "In order to love myself and take good care of myself, I have to be in a relationship with myself, be interested in myself and my feelings and look at me lovingly. The generation of the war grandchildren, whose mothers were born between 1928 and 1946, did not learned ", says the Berlin psychotherapist Ingrid Meyer-Legrand.
In her book "The Power of War Grandchildren" she describes how difficult it was for war grandchildren to develop a healthy self-esteem and a sense of what they need and what is good for them. "The parents were often traumatized by National Socialism and the war and had no access to their own feelings and thus no access to themselves. It was not allowed to express needs or wishes. They passed this pattern on to the children." Ingrid Meyer-Legrand keeps hearing in her practice: "No matter how hard I tried as a child, I could not reach my mother and father."
The fate of war grandchildren
Many women who came to her for counseling at the age of 60 have still not freed themselves from the emotional detachment and performance dictate from childhood. "The design of relationships was defined by performance. War granddaughters found out that they had to make an ongoing effort. They extended the task" Strict yourself "to all areas of life. At some point, they realized that they were neglected and exhausted themselves . "
Many women are fed up with it. They long to get care sometimes. And they long to be able to accept and love themselves better. And they are right. Self-love is not a luxury, but a necessity. Only if we treat ourselves like a good friend and give ourselves attention, benevolence and encouragement, or at least try, can we feel what is beyond our powers or even harms us. If we don't feel held and nourished from within, it is difficult for us to draw healthy boundaries. We lose our self-protection, become a plaything for others, forget to take care of ourselves, rub ourselves up and become dissatisfied or sick.
Especially in old age, it is important to focus on yourself
From the age of 60, advanced training for the ego becomes even existential, says the Berlin psychologist Ulrike Scheuermann. When family members become seriously ill and the first friends suffer or die a heart attack, the limitations of life become painfully clear. Like a shock, the realization that everything can end tomorrow will go to your limbs. "Then you quickly realize that it is important to take good care of yourself and that it is not worth sacrificing yourself permanently for others and putting yourself in the background," says Ulrike Scheuermann.
In her book "Self Care" she presents a self-care program that starts at seven levels: love the body, cherish the feelings, sleep a lot, relax the inner and outer space, strengthen connection, free the thoughts and unfold the soul. Meditative exercises, food for thought and impulses for self-reflection should help to treat oneself more lovingly step by step and to regularly create time islands for refueling in everyday life.
The biggest obstacle, the psychologist observes, is internal beliefs. It encourages people to track down their own beliefs on the subject. The sentence is particularly common: "If I take care of myself, I am selfish." She believes this belief is particularly inhibitory and harmful because it causes a disturbance in the self-image and acts as a deep-seated prohibition. Only when such prohibitions are questioned, weakened and ideally resolved is the way clear for a new way of dealing with oneself.
From self-care to self-love
Self-love, self-care and self-esteem are closely related. "If we take good care of ourselves, we strengthen our self-esteem from within. With a more stable self-esteem, it is easier to do yourself good. Treating yourself like a good friend is self-love that is lived," says Ulrike Scheuermann. What makes things easier: With increasing age, self-esteem in any case gets a boost from many people, between 60 and 70 it is strongest. Ulrich Orth, professor for developmental psychology at the University of Bern, was able to prove this in a large meta-analysis using data from 16,000 subjects.
I am valuable, not because I am struggling and therefore recognized by others. It's just because I am.
In recent research, it is assumed that self-esteem that is nurtured from within and does not depend on external recognition is also much more stable: "I am valuable, not because I struggle and is therefore recognized by others. because I am."
However, the new view of the self does not always come automatically, but is often worked out. A credit to the generation of war grandchildren, says Ingrid Müller-Legrand. This generation did not get stuck in the victim role, but went in search of their buried emotions and needs, questioned the lack of emotional education, made psychotherapy socially acceptable and initiated a large self-awareness movement.
It's never too late to start
Even at an advanced age, we can still practice dealing with ourselves well, if we are not so firm in it. Many paths lead there. For example: finding out the old beliefs from childhood, critically questioning them and separating them from them. Take your time doing everything you do. Learn a form of movement that is fun. Or enjoy something regularly, a visit to the hairdresser, a bath, an afternoon with a book on the sofa – and allow yourself to enjoy it. Continuously write a diary of what comes to mind. Seek therapeutic support when the inner critic is not calm.
Ingrid Meyer-Legrand believes that it is not only the view inside that is decisive, but also the outside. "How do we shape our relationships today? Do we include them in it? Or is it just about the concerns and problems of others? Before I talk about self-love, I support my clients to become clear about what role they play in their relationships as Girlfriend, mother, grandmother, colleague, wife. "
She notices that many women in couple relationships, even when the children are grown up, do not get out of the maternal and caring role and do not register their own wishes. Or they are so involved in looking after the grandchildren that they have no time for themselves again. In some cases, self-care requires more than a relaxing hour in the bath or a delicious meal. "Women have to learn to negotiate and to stand up for their interests. You can still do that at 60, it's never too late for that," says Ingrid Meyer-Legrand.
Clarify the roles
She thinks role clarification is the be-all and end-all. "If you keep churning in the wrong place and get no recognition again, as you are used to from the family of origin, you exert yourself and feel small and bad. Role clarification relaxes and leads to a good self-esteem. If I realize that as a friend I have a right to have an eye-to-eye relationship, I don't have to say yes to everything. " The result may be to tell the friend: "I've listened to your grief very often now. Now it's my turn. Today I want you to listen to me." Every no to exaggerated wishes of others is a yes to your own freedom. I like to go to the zoo with the grandchildren and invite them to a pajama party, but I'm not the daycare substitute. I like to help in the clothing store, but I want to choose the times myself.
Age offers new freedom in which women, free of obligations, can give away the fruits of their life experience, their skills and their care. But please with a sense of proportion and care. Otherwise it can happen that the fully automatic care program continues. It is advisable to check again and again: How do I deal with my needs? Are my skills valued? Or do I have to squeeze myself into something and have to do a lot to be seen? Am I just giving again, or am I getting something back?
For the therapist, self-love is not a sophisticated om state, as meditating models embody in advertising, but rather active, self-confident relationship building. Another key to finding clarity is to pause more often, take a short break and ask yourself: How does my body feel? How am I with what I'm doing or with the person I'm with right now? What do i need now What can I do to get what I need? It's the small steps that make a big difference in the end.
Would you like to read more about the topic and exchange ideas with other women? Then take a look at the "Personality Forum" of the BRIGITTE community!
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