According to science
Those who hug each other that many times a day have the best chance of a happy relationship
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Humans need touch to be healthy and happy in the long term. Hugs and the like are particularly important in relationships – this is also proven by science.
During the pandemic-related restrictions, it became particularly clear: we humans need touch from others, without it we can’t do it. How often and how intensely we like to be hugged is of course very individual – there are people who quickly feel uncomfortable with too much closeness, others are generally very touchy and therefore need a lot of physicality. But no matter where we personally place ourselves on this spectrum: everyone needs a minimum amount of touch.
Oxytocin and the importance of touch
The positive effects and thus the need for hugs is mainly due to the messenger substance oxytocin. It is also called the cuddle or bonding hormone and when touched ensures that less of the stress hormone cortisol is released in the adrenal cortex. Cuddling can calm us down and relax our muscles, we feel more balanced and comfortable. But the immune system also gets stronger if we hug each other regularly, because stress can weaken our immune system.
The reason for the need for human closeness lies in evolutionary biology: even as babies and toddlers we need touch stimuli in order to be able to develop well. Physical contact is essential for survival in the first few years of life. This need for touch remains deeply embedded in us, even as adults.
Renowned psychotherapist Virginia Satir has a clear recommendation for how many hugs people should get in a day: “We need four hugs a day to survive, eight hugs to feel good and 12 hugs to be able to move forward. “
That’s what hugs do to a relationship
But hugs are not only important for our general well-being, regular touching is even essential for a happy relationship. Because oxytocin is an elementary part of a stable partnership. The hormone ensures that we feel closer to our sweetheart and trust him.
One study Binghampton University in the US state of New York was able to show that couples who regularly (also) touch in a non-sexual way – i.e. hugging, holding hands, cuddling on the couch – have more stable and happier relationships in the long term. Study director Samantha Wagner mentioned another exciting discovery of her work: “There is even evidence that holding hands during a dispute can have a de-escalating effect and make the conflict more productive.”
But how often should we hug our partner? Of course, this is fundamentally dependent on our personal feelings and also on whether physical touch is our preferred love language. Because there are also people who feel more comfortable with less physical closeness.
You should (at least) hug each other that often
But there is a rule of thumb when it comes to touching in a partnership. The biopsychologist and hug researcher Prof. Sebastian Ocklenburg explains to “Iconist” that five hugs are optimal for a relationship to last as long as possible. An average hug only lasts three seconds. We should hug our partner for ten seconds if possible.
Ten seconds five times a day – that is apparently the optimal hug formula for a happy partnership. By the way, we not only strengthen our relationship, but also our own health. In addition to the already mentioned effects of hugs on our immune system and our well-being, regular cuddling can, according to one study also lower our blood pressure and heart rate. So hugs are good for the heart – in both senses of the word!
Sources used: sciencedaily.com, forbes.com, healthline.com, welt.de