These 6 things grandparents should stop saying to their grandchildren

Are holidays with grandpa and grandma a symbol of freedom for your children? Generally, this stay is the excuse to counter all the habits established at home. But this should not prevent certain rules from being maintained, so that order can reign and children can feel at ease. This is why it is important that grandparents pay attention to the way they speak to their grandchildren, so as not to create an anxiety-provoking climate within the home.

Because generational shock sometimes makes exchange and understanding between the child and his grandparents difficult, certain formulated sentences, although apparently innocuous, can harm the child’s mental health and generate a certain unhappiness. “[Cela peut] create an environment in which grandchildren feel uncomfortable or insecure” explains the psychologist Ann-Louise Lockart in the media Huffpost. Here’s why grandparents should never say these 6 phrases to their grandchildren.

1.“Don’t tell your parents…”

It happens that grandparents encourage their grandchildren to hide certain information from parents so as not to attract their wrath and have their way of looking after their children called into question. However, this sentence, which seems like nothing at first glance, is harmful for the education of children.

By encouraging children to lie, you are implicitly stating that what you are making your grandchildren do is wrong and that they might get scolded. The psychologist Zainab Delawalla warns of the dangerousness of this process which can contradict the rules carefully established by parents: “This undermines parental authority, which can have long-term consequences. Additionally, it shows children that they might find themselves in situations where it is in their ‘best interests’ not to tell their parents.” The specialist insists on the fact that the child can be encouraged to say nothing if he is harassed, for example under the pretext that his parents could reprimand him. It is therefore important to make children understand that lying is useless and that honesty is always the wisest course.

2. “How you have grown! You’ve gained weight, haven’t you?”

Comments on weight or physique in general should be avoided if you do not want to make your grandchildren feel self-conscious and create insecurities. This can also cause self-esteem issues and make children reluctant to see you.

Dr. Lockart emphasizes that as an adult, it is essential to build trust and help children to have confidence in themselves; especially teenagers who struggle to accept themselves. “Let’s avoid making comments that could potentially harm their self-esteem and lead to insecurity.” she recalls. According to her, this type of sentence is problematic mainly because it gives children the impression that you are more interested in their appearance rather than in what they feel. To avoid this kind of awkwardness, ask open-ended questions by asking them how they are doing, for example; they will feel more considered.

3. “You eat more than me!”

To avoid any complexes or eating disorders, it is best to avoid any comments about food in general, such as: “You eat so fast!” or “It looks like you didn’t touch anything on your plate!”. During his first years, the child learns to manage his hunger signals, it is therefore essential not to rush him so that he does not have a conflictual relationship with food.

These kinds of comments can be harmful because they can give rise to mental disorders such as bulimia or anorexia. “Comments about ‘good’ and ‘bad’ eating habits can prompt children to adjust their eating behavior in response to another person’s comments or point of view, rather than following the signals their body is sending them. It can also trigger feelings of shame or confusion in the moment or over time”, declares the psychotherapist Andrea Dorn. It is therefore best not to comment on their eating habits but rather focus on the importance of listening to your body and being healthy.

4. “You are so spoiled”

Changing habits can destabilize the child and make him capricious when he is not in his usual environment; he may then be led to be ungrateful when he does not get what he wants.

Instead of commenting on his upbringing and the fact that he is too spoiled, keep in mind that he lacks direction and that he does not necessarily manage to understand what is correct or not. “If they are acting entitled and ungrateful, it may be behavior that he learned or was taught, or even reinforced by his parents.” nuance the clinical psychologist Ryan Howes. It is therefore recommended to talk to the parents about the child’s behavior while keeping the judgment to yourself.

5. “You better come give me a hug or a kiss”

Even though the excitement of seeing your grandchildren often takes precedence over reason, you need to keep in mind that children are not always comfortable with hugs and it is important that you respect that. . Dr. Dorn explains that this injunction to cuddle can call into question the question of consent in the child and create embarrassment. “While this phrase is likely filled with love and a completely normal desire to foster closeness and connection with a child, it can also unintentionally deprive a child of their right to autonomy and cause them to give up and to question the limits of your body”.

The key is to ask permission before forcing the child to give you a hug or a kiss and not to make them feel guilty if they say no. It is essential to respect their decision and maintain a light atmosphere so as not to make the child uncomfortable.

6. “Your parents are wrong”

Over the decades, education methods continue to evolve. Those used by young parents today may therefore go against the way of thinking of many grandparents. “There’s nothing inherently wrong with pointing out these distinctions, but it’s very easy to pass off these comments as shaming. By shame I mean stating that one way is right and another is wrong, and that there is something wrong with the grandchild or their parents.” explains Dr. Howes.

It is therefore preferable to avoid these kinds of comments and to address the parents directly if something poses a problem in terms of education and not the children, who might think that the problem comes from them.