Recipe for Divorce
These 4 things make every relationship inevitably fail
A relationship is more fragile than we sometimes like to believe.
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Relationships can be fragile goods. As one psychologist reveals, there are four things that are almost certainly breaking them apart.
Psychologist Professor John Gottman has been guiding couples through the ups and downs of their relationship for over 40 years. Through his work, he was able to identify four factors that have stood out over the decades. If one or even more of these four things occur in a couple’s communication, at least the psychologist expects a short or long-term separation.
1. Excessive criticism
First of all, it is absolutely important and okay to take a critical look at the statements and actions of your favorite person. Just because you love each other doesn’t mean you generally approve of everything about the other person. On the contrary, quarrels in a relationship are even important, because this is the only way people can build intimacy with each other. Superficially everything is often wonderful, but only those who dig deeper, recognize corners and edges and learn to love will come closer.
But there is not only constructive criticism that is interested in both developing further in the relationship – there is also destructive criticism that hurts and offends. This is the case, for example, when one person hurts the other at their core, their personality. “You’re late because you don’t care about me” can be an example.
Everyone makes mistakes, but how you deal with those mistakes matters. At its worst, criticism implies that the other person is bad or wrong at some deep level. An alternative option is to express a concern or request. “You’re always late for our dates. It hurts me and it makes me feel a little like our meetings aren’t that important to you. How do you feel about that?”
2. Contempt for the other person
Contempt, according to Gottman’s observations, is the biggest factor in an early breakup. This contempt for the other person can show itself in a number of ways, such as:
- sarcasm
- verbal abuse
- imitations
- Eye rolls at statements made by the other person
However she shows herself, she makes the other person in the relationship feel worthless. Instead of putting the person down, couples who want to have a happy and long-term relationship should rather emphasize the other person’s strengths, for example with honest praise like: “I love your taste in music!”
3. Persistent defensive
We are not always able or willing to admit when a person reflects our mistakes on us. But: Regular attempts to talk your way out of all the omissions and mistakes can mean the end of a relationship in the long run. It gets even worse when not only excuses are made, but the omissions of the other person are also highlighted. Life isn’t always easy and nobody needs attacks from a relationship that’s supposed to be a safe place.
It is much more constructive to seek responsibility in oneself and to propose solutions, for example with sentences like: “I could have thought of that. Let’s do it like this next time.”
4. Become a wall for the others
One speaks of “stonewalling” when, in a figurative sense, one pulls up the drawbridge towards the partner and prevents communication. No more encouraging nods, sympathy, and attempts to respond and connect. It’s like the other person is talking to a wall.
Such behavior rarely comes from one day to the next – it is often a reaction to the previous points such as destructive criticism or contemptuous manners. One thing is clear: A lack of communication will not be able to solve the problem at its core. Almost any form of communication is preferable to displaying a wall.
Source used: spring.org.uk