those emotional blockages that interfere with your sex life

For many individuals, sexuality is an essential element for the longevity of a couple: it is through thesexual intimacy that they build complicity, closeness, shared love, and that they register their relationship over the long term. The body language, the sexual relationship and the body-to-body are then stronger than anything to show that you are burning with passion and that you are overflowing with love and affection for your companion. L’sexual attraction becomes an indicator of the propensity to love one’s other half, sexual desire acts as an “emotional barometer”* to assess the good health of a given couple.

If this conception is not shared by all – and even less by individuals characterized by asexuality -, it is the whole of society that conveys the idea according to which the regularity of sexual relations and the continuity of desire rhyme with normality (also mistaken is this idea). The pressure is such that some affected couples may go as far as breaking up if their sex life never improves and one’s sexual needs are not being met. It is therefore better to identify the elements that play negatively on the desire to remedy them before arriving at the rupture. In the columns of HuffPost UK**, a couple therapist and sex therapist reveals thatthere are three “pleasure thieves” that lead to desire disorders and ruin the sex life of couples.

Emotional blocks that are ruining your sex life

Contrary to what one might think, these thieves of pleasure have nothing to do with the physical, strictly speaking… They are above all emotional and psychological elements, specific to each individual, who are to blame. These latter “lock you in your brain, disconnect you from your body, which impairs your ability to fully anchor yourself in the present moment and experience pleasure” in bed as in life**.

It is for this reason that the psychologist calls them “emotional blockages” : they prevent you from having “the healthy sex you want, the sex life you crave”. Thus, the three “pleasure thieves” that have been identified by the specialist fall within the psychological sphere and are none other than: stress, trauma and shame. We explain to you.

Stress: the first thief of sexual pleasure

Stress leads to hormonal changes that negatively affect libido. It is in particular the hormone that is called “cortisol” who is responsible: when the individual is stressed, the latter is secreted in too large quantities, creates a hormonal imbalance, and lowers testosterone levels. Indeed, according to our colleagues from Destination Health****, studies have shown that high cortisol levels are often accompanied by low testosterone levels. Gold, this testosterone plays a crucial role in the desire of the man as of the woman: when the testosterone is weak, it is also the desire which is weak.

And this observation is all the more true when the stress is chronic. It suffices to consider the reverse situation to see the validity of this argument: very often, after having made love and potentially reaches orgasm, naturally stressed individuals see their stress soar. To chronic stress is added a fear which aggravates this already present stress: the fear of not feeling any more desire in the future, of being impotent, to have sexual problems and no longer being able to perform sexually. This fear is obviously fueled by the stereotypes fed by society, which lead to exacerbated sexual hyperperformance. With unhealthy stress, the lack of libido in turn becomes chronic, turns into a desire disorder, worries the person concerned even more and feeds a vicious circle from which it is difficult to escape.

“An erectile failure, a ‘banal’ event in a man’s life apart from an organic etiology, can moreover, in the current atmosphere oriented towards success at all costs, become chronic through the performance anxiety that ‘she arouses’*, explains psychologist Alexandra De Troz.

Past trauma weighs on sexuality

Insidious, trauma is the hardest emotional blockage to spot and unblock. However, although invisible, their impact on our sex life is real: they are the ones who prevent us from having a fulfilling sexuality. Their original goal? Protect us from any danger, so that we no longer have to suffer as in the past traumatic event. Except that danger often depends on the perception we have of it… And a person with trauma will sense danger even where there is none. In fact, this “permanent state of alert” – this hypervigilance in a way – will manifest itself in several ways, all detrimental to arousal and sexual fulfillment:

• The trauma provokes a whole set of emotional and bodily manifestations which themselves play on sexual desire.

Each in their own way, they affect sexual satisfaction under the duvet: sleep problems, digestive disorders, relationship difficulties and mental health problems such as anxiety, depression…

• Trauma poisons the relationship that the individual has with “pleasure”…

… And we’re not just talking about sexual pleasure. Indeed, the therapists explain that if the trauma lives secretly in us, our body constantly tries to protect us and it becomes difficult to take pleasure in any activity – sexual activity included.

• Trauma, through the insecurity it creates, prevents the traumatized person from opening up, letting go and letting go of vulnerability.

These elements are essential to create an affective, emotional and/or physical connection with your partner. However, to have a pleasant sex life, it is essential to feel connected to the other, to let our guard down and to be vulnerable, especially during the intimate relationship. The problem is that “trauma, especially when unresolved, often manifests as physical and emotional disconnection”**, explains sexologist Nazanin Moali.

So, the daily manifestation of the trauma prevents having a healthy sexuality. And this trauma does not need to be linked to a sexual assault to affect the emotional and sexual lives of the individuals who have suffered it. It can be an experience of bullying at school, a discovery of infidelity or the loss of a loved one.

Shame negatively impacts sex life

Finally, shame is the “most harmful pleasure thief” to a fulfilling sex life according to sexologists. The shame felt can come from our appearance, from the judgment passed by society on sexuality, from the fear of rejection or from self-blame. This feeling of shame parasitizes sexuality with taboos, prohibitions which have no place to be, while sexuality is a field where exploration, freedom and unbridledness should be the key words.

• Shame limits the discovery of new sexual experiences, the experimentation of new sexual practices.

Indeed, individuals who are affected do not dare to test things that defy their habits and/or that are out of the ordinary, because they fear falling into “weirdness” and being judged by their peers. Gold, to know what you like in bed and really get off, you have to explore, test, not be afraid to innovate. If we restrict ourselves, we risk missing out on a practice that could nevertheless lead us to enjoyment. As a reminder: there are no universal sexual norms and we must detach ourselves from the idea of ​​”normal sexuality”.

• Shame literally keeps us from letting go.

It pushes us to be ultra-conscious of the slightest action, to be hyper-vigilant about our behavior and/or our appearance, to pay attention to the image we project, to be generally concerned about our person for fear of being judged and rejected by the other. When shame is in order, the brain interferes in coitus. Gold, for sexuality to be appreciated at its true value, you have to let go.

We must put thoughts aside, stop cerebralizing, be well anchored in the present moment to be connected to our body as well as to that of our lover. By doing so, we are more likely to have fun and/or reach the Seventh Heaven. Psychologist Lisa Firestone**** compares this shame to a form of “little inner voice”, which speaks to us in a negative way and floods us with intrusive thoughts even in the sexual act.

• When you feel shame on the sexual side, you don’t assume your desires and you prefer to comply with those of your darling.

Those concerned can fake orgasmsdoing sexual things they don’t really like just to please their lover and “because we feel like we’re going to be rejected if we don’t”**, details sexologist Emily Morse.