partnership
According to expert: This habit can help you deal with uncomfortable situations
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Our relationships often present us with challenges. Some master them with flying colours, for others they are a major hurdle. Couples therapist Eric Hegmann explains which habits make it easier for us to master difficult situations.
Everyone has probably experienced unpleasant situations at some point. Whether it’s truths that you don’t quite know how to get out with the language, or embarrassing moments in which you would like to sink into the ground. Especially in a partnership, it is often not easy to speak unpleasant truths.
In any relationship, sooner or later there will be situations where you clash or things may not go the way you want them to. Actually the perfect time to address exactly these things – if it weren’t for this uneasy feeling of saying something wrong. In such cases, couple therapist Eric Hegmann recommends a method by Dr. Elly Bader, the founder of “Development Couple Therapy”. It’s called the initiator and interviewer method.
Communication is key: How the “initiator and interviewer method” works
“The partners take on defined roles. One partner addresses a topic that worries her. Then the other asks questions like a journalist: ‘Since when has the problem bothered you? How big is it the problem for you? What does this problem mean to you?’ The idea behind it is not to work off a solution first, but to first understand what it’s really about,” says Hegmann.
The distribution of roles is important, which according to Hegmann ensures a neutral discussion and should prevent accusations and blame. There are a few things to consider when assigning roles: “It is important that the interviewer does not feel personally attacked, does not propose a solution, does not present his own view of things, but initially only questions the meaning of the problem or the desire. That is sometimes not easy to endure, but the technique is worth it.” The best thing about this method: It can be easily integrated into everyday life and can quickly become a habit.
Easier said than done: How do I best address uncomfortable truths?
Just getting out with the language can sometimes be more difficult than you think. According to Hegmann, depending on what experiences you have had in the past, one thing is needed above all: courage. But not only that: “Both partners need a feeling of security to be able to present their needs on an equal footing. So I have to look ahead, grant a leap of faith and also accept that my wish is not an order and that my counterpart is always that too right to say no – as am I.” Sitting back for a moment and reflecting on how you behave and would behave in certain situations can help to deal with certain issues in a considerate and sensitive manner. “Partners who can talk about anything, who are allowed to express even the most secret thoughts that might hurt the other and are not judged for it, experience themselves strengthened.”
Eric Hegman is Couple therapist in Hamburg. In addition to his NDR series “Couple Therapy” and the podcast of the same name, Hegmann offers online courses on numerous topics relating to couple communication, lovesickness and partner choice.