Every now and then a new partner joins our circle of friends that we can’t stand. What to do then.
The moment has finally arrived: after weeks of swarming, we get to know a friend’s new partner. But then it turns out that the person is too clumsy, talks too much, has the wrong political attitude or the jokes go below the belt, in short – the newcomer is not as great as one might think from the stories of the girlfriend/boyfriend has made out.
This situation can become a real friendship killer. What to do? In an interview with the news agency spot on news, relationship psychologist Wieland Stolzenburg explains whether and how you should address the fact that you can’t stand your new partner without endangering your friendship.
There are many reasons why you might not like a friend’s new partner. When should this be addressed?
Wieland Stolzenburg: Basically, it is important to accept the partner choice of friends and ideally to find peace with it. Even if we find the other person unsympathetic or inappropriate, our girlfriend or boyfriend is an adult and should be free to make decisions.
In my experience, there are two different perspectives: either we worry about our boyfriend or girlfriend because we notice behaviors of the new partner, which could be alarm signals. Or we ourselves are triggered. For example, a new partner’s behavior or statement evokes in us an emotional response or memories related to past hurtful experiences in our own lives. In this case, we find the solution above all within ourselves.
We should keep this different cause in mind when we evaluate another person: Does this touch something in me that has to do with me. Or is it actually an unhealthy behavior of the other. The boundaries are of course floating, and we have to be open and honest with ourselves to find the answer.
A conversation can be helpful if it is not our own trigger points, but we objectively recognize warning signs.
What’s the best way to go about this without jeopardizing the friendship or alienating your friend?
Stolzenburg: If I recognize warning signs, I can and should communicate that. It is advisable to wait for a suitable moment when both of you are open to a conversation. It is best to start this with a question, such as: “I noticed something about your new partner, would you like to hear that?” In this case, my girlfriend or boyfriend has the freedom to say “yes” or “no”.
If the person wants to hear it, then describe your observation without presenting it as universally valid or disparaging the new partner. Instead, focus on your own feelings and try to communicate them in a matter-of-fact and kind way. You can also add why it’s important for you to share your experience: “I like you very much and I want you to be well. And I know that when you’re in love, there are some things you don’t see or don’t want to see. So I wanted to share my impressions with you«. This nonjudgmental and defensive attitude is helpful for the relationship level between you and your girlfriend or boyfriend.
Feel free to show understanding for your girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s situation and emphasize that you only want the best for him or her. For example, you could say, “I know you’re happy right now, and I don’t want to hurt you. But I’m concerned and I want to make sure you’re really happy in this relationship for the long term.”
It also helps to leave room for an open and honest discussion in which your boyfriend or girlfriend can also express themselves. For example, it could be something along the lines of: “I want you to know that no matter what decisions you make, I’ll always be there and I’ll listen to you. If you want to discuss anything with me or have any questions, I’m always happy to help Disposal.”
A friendship should always be a team where, even with different views, there is always one goal: mutual support and the long-term satisfaction of the other.
What possibilities are there to improve the relationship with the new partner, even if there is no sympathy at first?
Stolzenburg: One way to improve interpersonal relationships is to get to know the other person better. We can show ourselves to be open and curious by being genuinely interested in the new partner and their life. Sometimes it helps if we make a conscious decision to only look for the positive and beautiful sides of this person.
If we have a negative opinion from the start, our mind will look for exactly that to confirm that opinion. However, if we try to discover all the small and big positive aspects, we give the other person a chance to get out of the box and we can also get to know other sides of him. Maybe then we’ll discover something we like about him or her. Even if it’s just a little thing.
Another option is to look for common interests or activities. Perhaps that is a connecting element and possibly changes our first impression. In general, it can just take time to connect with other people. Giving ourselves and the new partner time for this is fundamentally helpful.
How can it be that you don’t have anything in common with the partner of a good friend?
Stolzenburg: We all have different likes and dislikes, whether it’s food, music or people. For example, some do not like loud people, others do not like quiet and reserved ones. These different preferences are often due to our own life history. For example, if we had a father who had little empathy and we suffered as a result, then there is a good chance that we will dislike or become skeptical of other people with similar behaviors. Our entire system wants to protect us from a repeated hurtful experience.
Or we had a father, for example, who had a great sense of humor and gave us a lot of joy with his lightheartedness and positive nature. Then we may feel attracted to people in adult life who can also trigger this beautiful feeling in us.
This means that we all have a radar within us that wants to protect us. Becoming aware that the old hurtful experience can be the cause of resentment can change a lot. Because in this case we realize that there is no danger today. Our system simply reacts sensitively when someone behaves in a similar way to the person who used to hurt us, consciously or unconsciously.
In addition, it may be that the new partner does not agree at all with their values, political attitudes or interpersonal relationships with how we are or like us. Maybe he’s only interested in motorcycling, trying to convince everyone to go vegan, and we can’t do much with that. And the other way around, he finds no access to our love for philosophizing, brewing beer and grilling. What can help? Tolerance towards other opinions and values and the openness to get to know and accept the world of others.