Valentine’s Day is a special date for many couples to celebrate their love. But what if the passion is gone?
Many couples use Valentine’s Day on February 14 to celebrate their love. But what if the initial passion has died down? In an interview with the news agency spot on news, relationship psychologist Wieland Stolzenburg gives tips on how couples can bring their dead relationship back to life.
After the honeymoon phase, everyday life quickly returns in many relationships. What is the best way to deal with this?
Wieland Stolzenburg: In order to find a good transition to the “normal” relationship, we should remember that every honeymoon phase comes to an end. When we keep reminding ourselves that every relationship has its ups and downs, we can relax internally. Because then we don’t fall into the cognitive trap of believing that it would be nicer or easier with someone else. It also makes it easier for us to focus on the positive and not look for the negative.
It also helps to remember that each partner touches the sensitive spots in us that we carry with us because of our life history – and these are painful when someone touches them. We feel this most clearly after the honeymoon phase, because suddenly the little things are noticeable, which neither of them had bothered before. With the knowledge that these are our own trigger points and that another partner would also touch them, we can also relax and reflect honestly and appreciatively on what these challenging topics have to do with us and our biography. Then we no longer have to “fight” our partner and his behavior, but can deal with ourselves – and like to exchange ideas with our partner.
A routine with your partner can also help in practice, for example looking at the day together in the evening and telling each other the three things we were grateful for today that our partner brought into our lives.
Do you have any other tips for bringing a dead relationship back to life?
Stolzenburg: It is helpful to break the routine and take care of the relationship regularly. Planning a new activity every week, having so-called dialogues, continuing to be interested in our partner and not assuming that we already know him completely. Real interest in others, in their day, their feelings and experiences often works wonders. Because it doesn’t feel good for anyone to be taken for granted. Rather, we feel good when we realize that our partner is interested in us, our lives, and our well-being.
Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship for many. For many couples, intimate life falls asleep after a while. How do you manage to reignite the initial fire even in long-term relationships?
Stolzenburg: Variety is one of the magic words when boredom moves into the bedroom. This can be different positions, sex toys or a romantic weekend trip to a hotel where you only “get to know” each other there at the bar. And the same applies here: The open and appreciative exchange about sexuality with the partner, the real interest in what he likes and what not, what he wants new or different. It could also be two sex dates a week, in which each of the two gets exactly what he or she desires about sexuality with and from their partner.
Everyone has different needs in a relationship. How can you succeed in taking your partner’s needs into account without holding back yourself?
Stolzenburg: It is important that we become aware of our needs. We should talk to our partner about this. If we have been in a partnership for a long time, we often believe that we already know our partner well. The assessment can be correct, but it can also change over time, so that we go through life with wrong assumptions.
A good way of dealing with different needs can often be found through good communication. Otherwise it’s all about coordination, negotiation and compromise. It is best when we feel important needs and not just when we are about to explode. Successful relationships strike a good balance between giving and taking, so that one doesn’t always get his way, but both are willing to accommodate the other’s needs.
Hobbies, activities with friends and Co.: How important is it to have your own life alongside your relationship?
Stolzenburg: We humans are all individual and our need for autonomy, freedom and freedom also differs. People for whom their own friends, hobbies and activities are important should pursue this need – as long as there is still enough quality couple time. But even for people who like to share everything and always with their partner, it is advisable to always take time for themselves so as not to slip into emotional dependency over time and also to retain the ability and independence to do things to do on their own initiative.
When to Consider Couples Therapy?
Stolzenburg: Many people consider going to couples therapy when the relationship crisis has already left its mark. I sometimes compare relationships to a garden. If we take care of it, water it regularly and take care of it lovingly, we will enjoy it in the long term. It becomes more difficult if we only look after the plants frantically and anxiously when they are already half dry.
That’s why I recommend couples to regularly deal with the plant “relationship” – even before a crisis. This is the best prevention. For example with my weekly relationship coaching via e-mail – the love letter for couples – or with books, regular talks, or going to couples therapy sooner rather than later. This makes particular sense if both are interested in it and if there is also the willingness and motivation to contribute something to improve it.