Wendy Syndrome
3 Signs You’re Taking the Mother Role in Your Relationship
© Justlight / Adobe Stock
Most of us know the tale of Peter Pan, Wendy and life in Neverland, where nobody wants to grow up. A similar distribution of roles can also exist in real relationships – and that quickly becomes a problem.
In a partnership, each person has their own role. One is perhaps the extroverted joker who takes everything lightly, one is the:the planner who:wants to clarify everything in advance. A very typical distribution of roles is based on an old children’s story that we probably all know from the Disney film adaptation: Peter Pan and Wendy. Peter and his “lost boys” live in Neverland, where they absolutely don’t want to grow up. Then come Wendy and her two little brothers, and hey presto, Wendy quickly takes on the role of mother to everyone.
This dynamic is so significant that a psychological phenomenon is named after it: Wendy syndrome. The term, coined by US psychologist Dan Kiley in 1983, refers to a role distribution in a relationship in which one person carries the entire mental load and takes care of everything, while the other lets himself be mothered and sits back – just like Peter Pan and his lost boys do. And unsurprisingly, the people who suffer from Wendy syndrome are usually women. These signs will tell you if there is a Wendy and Peter problem in your relationship.
3 Signs You Have Wendy Syndrome
1. You like to be in control
For every Peter Pan there has to be a Wendy. This means that every person who does not want to take responsibility and prefers to leave everything to others needs someone who can take care of everything for them. And this person enjoys keeping all the balls in the air and taking care of everything. She is probably an organizational talent who loves the approval of others and is very reluctant to relinquish control. But isn’t it maybe a lack of trust that makes you act like this? Or maybe you feel like you have to be useful in order to be loved?
2. You feel responsible for the feelings of others
Individuals with Wendy syndrome are typically very empathetic and attuned to the feelings of others. So far so good. But it becomes problematic when you feel responsible for the emotions of others. Someone is stressed and sad? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help, but if you feel like you’re partly to blame for your partner’s feelings and that you’re so responsible for making them feel better, then something is amiss. An extreme need for harmony is a typical sign of Wendy syndrome.
3. You are very self-critical
Typically, people who play the mothering role in their relationship struggle with low self-esteem. They often feel that they are only worth something if they sacrifice themselves for others. The fear of rejection is great, so they instinctively do everything for their partner and unconsciously establish problematic relationship patterns.
Wendy Syndrome: You can do that
Recognizing that you are stuck in such a role allocation is the first important step. Question yourself again and again in everyday life: Is that really my job? Am I really responsible for this? Could my:e partner:take away this aspect of the mental load from me? Talk to your sweetheart and explain how you are doing with the situation and what you wish for in the future.
If you feel like you can’t get out of the dynamic around Wendy Syndrome on your own, you can seek therapeutic help – either as part of couples therapy or on your own. And find out what you can do so that you can meet your partner on an equal footing in this or your next relationship.
Sources used: medium.com, pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov, emotion.de