Experiencing a romantic breakup is sometimes a real challenge. After the shock – or not – of the news comes a very particular period during which a person tries to digest this situation and take stock of what it has taught them. This step sometimes takes time. Researchers from the American University of Monmouth (New Jersey) tried to define the average length of time it takes a person to move on after a breakup: the study showed that 71% of them needed 11 weeks to move on, or a little less than three months. During this period, different stages occur before healing. Valérie Grumelin, psychologist, lists them for us.
Romantic breakup: a process similar to mourning
According to Bob Deits, author of the book Reviving after the ordealwhat we feel after a breakup is eerily similar to the grieving process. The person concerned would then go through similar stages, such as denial, anger, depression and then acceptance. An unsurprising link for Valérie Grumelin. “It’s the mourning of our lost illusions. We lose with the person all the illusions that we had projected with him. What hurts us is that we can no longer project ourselves with him”explains the psychologist.
To achieve healing, different stages follow one another, and their order depends on each person. Some will start with amazement, surprised by this breakup that they did not see coming.. “We can very well then be in denial and say to ourselves that we don’t understand, that we didn’t see anything or that the other person was fed up but we didn’t want to see it”, continues the expert. Then comes anger, against yourself and others, then a period of guilt during which you feel guilty about what you did or said, for not having opened your eyes or for having acted badly.
Take the time to reflect on yourself to overcome a breakup
As hectic as it is, the period after a breakup is useful in many ways. “It requires thinking, gaining perspective and not reproducing the same patterns”, indicates Valérie Grumelin. The psychologist reminds us: the best rebound is personal development, being able to reflect on oneself. This approach is also useful when faced with a therapist who will make a neutral judgment. “In general, two sessions are enough to decipher the situation, manage questions and hide values. However, if we ruminate always after a year, you have to get support“, she advises.
After all these stages, how do you know that you have overcome a breakup? For Valérie Grumelin, it is the moment when we are able to approach a person with whom the patterns are different. “If I found myself with a narcissistic pervert who has always crushed me and I go back to the same type of person, I am not cured”, takes the psychologist as an example. The secret therefore lies in the awareness of what the other brings to us.
Thanks to Valérie Grumelin, psychologist.