Love is the answer to all questions? Not quite. She also represents quite a few. This time, psychologist and couple therapist Oskar Holzberg answers: What do we mean by “bad sex”?
What is bad sex anyway?
Is a bad conversation even a conversation and bad sex at all sex?
Now in detail:
“And, how is the sex with him?” Good friends frown anxiously, if there is no enthusiastic feedback on the new flame on this point. Since we are (mistakenly) convinced that sex is going downhill anyway in the longer term, at least we should be able to escape to the summit of pleasure at least initially on cloud nine. Bad sex during the infatuation phase is a bad omen.
What do we mean by “bad sex”? Do we mean sex in which the couple does not get up to speed? Awkward hands that mischief at the wrong time with the wrong intensity on the wrong body part? Do we mean sagging erections, missing orgasms? At the beginning of a relationship, “bad sex” means unsatisfactory sex. It is not about the fact that we come to the same time the first time at the same time, which is highly unlikely. But we already know if it feels good. Whether the partner reacts to us, understands our body, can accompany and increase our excitement.
Are we counting on the same sexual varieties? Can we express our wishes in words or nonverbally and are they understood? Is sex as good as the one we have experienced with others? Better? Not with everyone we experience fulfilling sex. And if we still become a couple, sexuality often remains an unsatisfactory area of our love relationship.
Routine is the enemy of every sex life
On the other hand, if we start with a happy sexuality, then we are more familiar with one another as permanent partners, we feel more secure. We know each other’s weak points and the points that make him or her weak. But that also threatens that we always use the same orgasm-winning screenplay to do sex. If sex becomes listless, it may be due to this routine. Stress, fatigue, illness, medication or hormonal changes can be one of the reasons. But mostly “bad sex” means something else in a fixed relationship: that closeness is missing. The connection that can be experienced so directly in sexuality.
Of course, sex must also be banal. But when a loveless act joins a loveless act and caresses become soulless touches, then begins the creeping death of the common sexuality. “Bad sex” is a warning signal. It says the couple is holding on to something that needs change. That any cards are not on the table. In some cases, that may actually be something sexual – like the disdained bondage game.
Bad sex as a sign of conflict?
But most of the time there is an offense, an insecurity, a rejection, something unfinished in the relationship and thus in the love camp. And that can not be dispelled by kisses, desire and petting alone. Unfulfilling sex, when we have already experienced sex touching and ecstatic, does not do us any good. We will unconsciously avoid it and consciously dodge it. But we’re not just saying goodbye to our sexual relationship. We also suppress the conflicts our “bad sex” has brought to our attention. In a relationship where there was fulfilling sex, “bad sex” is a sign of disturbed intimacy.