Do you have the impression that you are sacrificing yourself for others and silencing your desires to meet theirs, even if it means forgetting yourself? You may be suffering from what is called the "Cinderella complex".
Maybe you sometimes feel like you are sacrificing yourself, stifling your desires to obey those of others? It can be about putting your life aside to support a loved one, taking charge of everything in your home, giving up your dreams or your convictions to be accepted …
You are probably suffering from cinderella complex, a widespread phenomenon, which indicates the tendency to forget oneself, or even to give up existing.
What is the Cinderella complex?
Saverio Tomasella, psychoanalyst and author of Break free from the Cinderella complex (Editions Eyrolles) gives the following definition: it is about "the tendency to write our own history by sacrificing ourselves, or by resigning ourselves, preferring to submit to an idea, a person or an order considered as superior".
This complex was for the first time theorized by Colette Dowling in 1981 in The Cinderella Complex: Women's Hidden Fear of Independence. It referred more to an unconscious desire of some women to be taken care of, saved by a prince charming, a desire based on the fear of these women to be independent.
Nevertheless, for Saverio Tomasella, we will rather speak of the "power of Cinderella". First condemned by her stepmother and her sisters-in-law to restrain and serve them, Cinderella bowed for a while then found the strength to come out of this amazement and extricate herself from her condition. "She rejects fate and revolts. The story of Cinderella is, to the end, the story of rebellion" writes the author. "Cinderella is the emblem of healthy rebellion, of vital rebellion. She does not accept being the slave of others."
The Cinderella complex, a female syndrome?
If the character of Cinderella was chosen to designate this complex, Saverio Tomasella believes that it can concern both women and men. According to the psychoanalyst, "many men are themselves subject to their family, their religion, their political party, their union, the way others look at them and, unfortunately, the weight of the macho ideology which weighs on every man even today ".
He nuances: "However, because of this persistence of phallocracy, women are more visibly and more directly concerned with the Cinderella complex, which means for them to remain in their role of servants, docile and obedient. Which is unfair and unacceptable". And the lockdown didn't help matters. Between household chores and emotional burden, too many women have put the needs of others before their own, even if it means forgetting themselves. "For all the women who have had to take care of their work, their children's schoolwork, the practical good running of the home (shopping, cooking, laundry, etc.), the health of their relatives, we can say that the confinement has reinforced the blind tendency to want women to be servile and to make believe that it is their destiny " explains Saverio Tomasella.
A survey by the National Institute of Demographic Studies (INED) published in June 2020 revealed that women were more affected than men in the workplace. A situation of "double punishment" that INSEE also describes in its note of June 19: among women who have not had childcare leave, "45% ensured a “double day” professional and domestic, cumulating daily more than four hours of work and four hours with the children, against 29% of the men ".
How can you tell the difference between dedication and sacrifice?
People with the Cinderella complex switch from dedication to sacrifice. However, being helpful in helping others and sacrificing yourself for them are two very different things. "Dedication is a very good thing, too forgotten in these times when egocentricity is omnipresent", says Saverio Tomasella. "On the other hand, listening to others and helping them does not in any way mean forgetting yourself, not listening to yourself, going after others. It is a question of finding a balance between your own needs and those of others. others, while keeping enough time for oneself, to fulfill oneself, to flourish ".
If you have a tendency to want to respond to the desires and expectations of others, believing that this is your "role", this is sacrifice. "To sacrifice oneself is to mutilate oneself from one's own desires, aspirations, and thought, by denying one's emotions and reality, in favor of abstract justifications, whether religious, family or because of another form of 'grip, as in perverse relationships " warns the author.
How to become aware of the Cinderella complex?
As in Perrault's tale, it is sometimes necessary for a third person, often a loved one, to play the role of "Cinderella's godmother", helping the person to open their eyes. "It is mainly the friends or close friends who sound the alarm bell by pointing out how much one can sacrifice for others or for his companion, his children, his parents, his work, a political ideal, a religious dogma … It is necessary to repeat this observation several times so that the person concerned will eventually hear it " says Saverio Tomasella.
Certain events can also lead to clicks. "A separation, a divorce, a dismissal, a death or a confinement: some people can then finally become aware of their tendency to sacrifice themselves, he explains. If this awareness is accompanied by a vital impetus to get out of it, to break free from any insidious form of submission, then the outcome is favorable. In all other cases, in-depth therapy is necessary ".
Break free from the Cinderella complex
Breaking free from Cinderella's complex takes time. "A lasting liberation requires to become aware of the relational patterns in which we are bogged down, of the unfavorable beliefs towards us which make us feel unworthy, illegitimate, incapable of better, indebted, thus pushing us to self-sabotage, to support unacceptable situations " says Saverio Tomasella.
To get out of it, it is fundamental to go towards introspection, to find time for yourself, to recharge your batteries, to find activities that we love and that do us good. The key to freeing oneself from this complex is to question certain moral principles, certain forms of education and family beliefs. Often there is shame as a backdrop or abuse in one form or another. Let us not forget that about 30% of children are abused and that education is still too based on obedience, rather than on sensitivity, intelligence and confidence " explains the author. "The revolutionary power of Cinderella lies in this disobedience to dogmas, standards and labels" he writes. As in the tale where the heroine will go to the ball despite the ban imposed on her, Cinderella must be taught to disobey and defy the prohibitions in order to fulfill their own desire.
Free yourself from the Cinderella complex, Saverio Tomasella, Eyrolles editions
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