First meeting
At the end of the 1980s, having just joined the civil service, I took part in training in a small mountain town which brought together all the trainees from the annual promotion. We are staying in the premises of a holiday center, and there is a dance evening. The football fan that I am then prefers to watch on a TV, in a small room next door, the broadcast of a European Cup match with my favorite team, which is also losing.
A boy enters the room. His look, his smile, everything about him is life. He is an image of simple and obvious happiness. I’m devastated, with this sensation that takes my legs and at the same time gives me the nerve to go to him, to talk to him. Me, then, am so shy! We start a conversation, and it seems so obvious, it’s as if we’ve known each other forever. I don’t remember what we talked about, but we spent the evening together, we danced and we kissed.
At the end of the course, we exchange addresses and telephone numbers, before each leaving for one end of France. At that time, there were no cell phones, and he didn’t even have a landline, he had to call me from a pay phone. Shortly after, he came to visit me after a long train journey. We’re having a great weekend, it’s simple and easy between us.
However, when it comes to saying goodbye, I am plagued by many doubts. On the one hand, we live really far away from each other, and I’m dreading a long-distance relationship. On the other hand, before meeting Didier, I was engaged to another boy, and we had broken up temporarily, not permanently. Caught between these two fires, I then find it dishonest to let this other boy down, I feel morally committed. Finally, I find Didier terribly handsome and cute, the type, I tell myself, to make all the girls fall. I then have very little self-esteem and, deep down, I have the feeling that I don’t deserve it, that it’s all a little too good and therefore impossible.
So it’s imposed on me, and there, at departure time, I tell him that I prefer to stop, in some way denying myself this happiness. Even today, my reaction questions me. At the time, I tried to rationalize my choice by focusing on details, like the fact that he wasn’t taller than me or that I didn’t like the sound of his last name. He is completely defeated. We have another training course in the Paris region, he thinks he will have a second chance, but I receive him coldly, and he does not insist.
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