Long gone are the days when Bridget Jones, nearing her thirties, was desperately looking for the man of her dreams to find a home. Today, more and more women assume and claim their celibacy. Yes, celibacy can be a choice (and sometimes the best).
In France, 38% of women are single according to INSEE figures in 2018, not counting the 21% widowed and divorced. And if this number continues to grow, the couple continues to establish itself as a powerful social norm, according to a study by INED.
While some women claim assumed celibacy that flourishes them, many clichés persist, in particular the famous "You say that because you have not yet met the good." However, these women did make the choice to live alone and tell us why.
Assumed and happy singles
There are more and more single women who fully assume this status, and even claim it. For Laura *, 46, living alone is an assumed choice she made after a painful story. "I could see all the possible and imaginable control mechanisms. I left my husband. It was very complicated. I made the decision from the start not to re-couple, whatever happens ”, she tells us.
Exit the image of the sad and desperate bachelor. Make way for that of assumed celibacy, of taking control of one's life, which can be a real source of personal fulfillment. " Being single allows me to focus on myself, on my own desires, my own convictions, my own goals " abounds Morgane, 24 years old. "Many people expect their spouse to fill them as a being, as that" missing end "," the soul mate ". And I think it is at the root of this syndrome of not really loving your partner for what he really is but for how you visualize him. ”
For her part, Alicia, 29, appreciates celibacy for the freedom and independence that it brings her in "A society still too formatted with a patriarchal culture", but his relatives do not see it that way. "I'm going to be 30 in a few days, and just yesterday, my close family alluded to this again. "Soon 30 years, maybe this year is a future marriage". It’s very difficult for me because I feel so deeply happy. I have professional projects, friends to count on and I don't feel the need to be in a relationship. " A very negative perception for single women, particularly around their thirties, "critical age" for all those who are "not yet married".
Celibacy in the face of social pressure and the injunction of the couple
Last November, actress Emma Watson denounced the social pressure weighing on women in their 30s: "If you haven't built a home, if you don't have a husband, if you don't have a baby, and you're going to be 30, you don't have an incredibly safe and stable place in your family." career (…) there is just this incredible amount of anxiety (…) I did not believe in the whole sales pitch 'I am happy unmarried'. I thought it was nonsense. It took me a long time, but now I'm very happy single. " she said in an interview with the British edition of Vogue, calling herself "self-partenered".
The couple remains the standard model. Celibacy is still perceived as transitory, like a difficult moment to pass, which one necessarily undergoes. "I have to constantly answer questions-not-to-ask-to-a-single woman:" Is that when you introduce someone to us? "," So, loves? "," You have someone 'one right now? "," What are you waiting for? ". Clearly, the social pressure experienced by single women is not a myth. Those around me still find it hard to understand that I don't add "being in a relationship" and "having children" to my "life goals" list. And this pressure does not get better with the years, on the contrary, because for these people I approach more and more the critical age which will make me pass from the category "desperate" to "unrecoverable" " says Laëtitia Azi, author of the book Célibatairehappée, published by Editions de l'Opportun on May 28, 2020.
These comments, which often come from friends and family, are one of the reasons why she decided to write a book. "I hope they can finally realize by reading that the main thing is not that I'm in a relationship, but happy. It is high time to stop demanding that a woman be married before she turns 30. Single women face social pressure on a daily basis, they come from family, friends, the media or even pop culture (films, series in which a hardened single always ends up in a relationship and this is often the fall of the film , the accomplishment of the character) " adds the author.
Happy single from Laëtitia Azi, € 9.90 on Amazon.
Morgane felt this pressure from high school, at the age when one begins to have first romantic relationships. "One of the girls in my high school openly asked me" Are you a lesbian? ", Because if I didn't want to put myself with a boy it was necessarily because I liked the other sex. My first "real" boyfriend, when we were just friends, asked me if I was asexual. It was a real hassle for the others, it was necessary to find an answer, whereas I was quiet to enjoy my life as I intended but they parasitized me " she tells us.
Alicia sees a slow evolution. "Gender equality is starting to be heard (even if we are still far from it) but being a single woman remains dangerous, insecure economically and emotionally – my mother always reminds me that alone, we have no one on whom lean ".
Society is always governed by the “work-marriage-child” scheme and everything is done to show that the couple model prevails. Mélanie Mage, who writes for Les Bridgets magazine on love psychology, explains: “In our society, the couple remains the rule. Holiday offers are made for two, it is less easy to lend you money if you are alone, buying a property alone is more complicated, etc. "
The end of the Bridget Jones era?
The image of the desperate bachelor is very anchored in our romantic comedies but slowly begins to be shaken. The best known is Bridget Jones, who records her days of celibacy in her diary.
"The picture of a single woman like Bridget Jones, I never understood. Bridget Jones is the happy anti-bachelor. She has always been chosen to "represent" single women and yet: she spends most of her time chasing after men, crying with a jar of ice on her sofa and always ends up as a couple at the end of the film. Is this really what we want people to believe? That a single woman is necessarily desperate, looking for love and that she will feel accomplished only when she has found love? I don't think single women need this stereotype ” Laëtitia Azi comments.
When we question Mélanie Mage about the name of her site Les Bridgets (reference to the famous bachelor), she confides with honesty: "15 years ago, she was THE single in pop culture. I admit that I will not call it that today. It has a connotation that has aged, the new generations are not necessarily found there and even I realize that there are not very feminist things in Bridget Jones! "
Fortunately, new representations of happy and single women are finally emerging, notably thanks to pop culture. The female characters in series, in the cinema, in cartoons are gradually emancipating themselves from sexist stereotypes. "Recently, I saw Valéria, but even there the girls are not completely single, they are engaged but it always turns to the fact that they have to find a guy" regrets Mélanie Mage.
The author of Happy Bachelor is more optimistic: "We’ve drawn a line under Bridget Jones’s diary for more recent films like Bachelor Mode and New York Melody in which celibacy is finally represented at its fair value. I also hope that the future generation of singles will be under less pressure because if I grew up with Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, the young girls of today grow up with Vaiana and Elsa who are looking for and discovering their identity, instead of chasing after a prince charming ”.
Better alone than badly accompanied
“I have never felt so alone as when I was in a relationship. Because I was not myself. Then because I felt compelled to stay in a toxic relationship because it's better than being single, right? " admits Morgana. Being single does not mean being lonely. Single women say their lives have never been as busy as they have been living alone.
“I have a very rich and very free private life. I get affection. I don't need to share someone else's daily life for that. I have more hobbies, a more developed social life and also luxury: the freedom to change programs at the last moment if that suits me ” says Laura. A choice which also considerably reduced the mental load of this mother of two children. "We're saving a lot of time. All these things that we do only for the other or because being in a couple requires it. I never feel the weight of loneliness that I hear so much about. ”
Positive and assumed celibacy makes it possible to maintain a positive relationship with oneself, without going so far as sologamy. Happy singles simply claim not to need to be supplemented by a person. “There are many benefits to being single. But to benefit from it, you have to start by accepting and appreciating your celibacy ” specifies Laëtitia. "It’s an opportunity to think only about yourself, get to know yourself and take care of yourself. We can focus on a project, a passion, think about what we really want in our life without taking into account the opinion or the needs of another person. When we are in a relationship, we may have to compromise, it goes from the small compromise type "What are we having dinner? We are watching what film this evening?" to sacrifices that we could regret all our lives. "
It is also time to put an end to the idea that a single woman forbids relationships. In 2019, Tinder would dust off celibacy and celebrate meetings with #SingleNotSorry, a campaign that claimed loud and clear: celibacy is cool!