What’s it like being the oldest female sibling? Does it affect relationships, character, or career choices? A topic that countless women are currently discussing on social media.
All my life I’ve wanted a sister. Unfortunately, this wish never came true. I am and will remain an only child – which I took amiss from my parents for a long time. I would certainly be a different person if I had had a sibling. What was there instead? A dog!
What I am grateful to them for, however, is that our door was always open to my friends. They could always stay with me and go on vacation with us. Interestingly, many of them had little sisters. Which made me observe for years what constitutes the big sister’s role of responsibility…
#EldestDaughterSyndrome
What I find mostly true these days: Big sisters often visit their parents more regularly, get birthday presents and offer (wherever they can) their help. They don’t like to give things away and are constantly thinking and planning for others. An exciting topic that is also being discussed a lot on TikTok.
Countless videos are being shared online with the hashtag #EldestDaughterSyndrome. Also known as so-called “Big Sister Syndrome” or the “Big Sister Effect”. It’s about how much responsibility the role as eldest sister entails. Not only many women, but also young girls feel understood and exchange ideas on social media.
The most important imprinting takes place in childhood
For the qualified psychologist and author Stefanie Stahl, the feeling of solidarity and the strong desire for exchange are probably not surprising. In an interview with “Elle” she explains the “Eldest Daughter Syndrome” and how much more is often expected of firstborn women. “Childhood is where the most important imprints take place, so we develop programs of how we are and how we should be in order to have meaning in the lives of others.”
It starts with housework and moves on to emotional and care work. An expectation of women that is still very strong in society. These things are often taught to big sisters at an early age. Of course, in emergencies, when the parents are unable to attend, they have to step in.
This is what makes the position of firstborn so formative
A big difference is the beliefs that big sisters often develop and manifest, explains the trained psychotherapist. It is often beliefs like these that you carry around with you for the rest of your life. “I have to support others” or “I must not be a burden”. Of course, these assumptions can vary in strength and depend enormously on the family circumstances in which they grow up.
In some cases, such as when a parent is ill or the family is not in good financial shape, big sisters can often internalize even more extreme beliefs. Perfectionism and a lack of boundaries can be the result, and sentences like: “I have to be perfect” or “I mustn’t have my own limits” could become deeply anchored in adulthood.
Manifest beliefs run through all relationships
Of course, there are positive and negative beliefs. And the stubborn assumptions instilled in childhood are often hard to shake off, especially big sisters. The result: Whether in a partnership, in the family or in friendships – this strong sense of responsibility can quickly lead to excessive demands or even burnout. That’s because firstborns learn early on in childhood to put out feelers when someone needs help. This increases the need to be valued and to fulfill all expectations as far as possible. Many often do not realize that they are overstepping their own limits.
The positive “big sister effect”
Being the eldest can also have a good impact. Especially on a professional level. Many years ago, psychologists researched that the relationship with our siblings also has an influence on how we behave in professional life and which job we take on at all. According to Stefanie Stahl, first-borns are often good at management positions because of their experience and experiences, and can easily keep an overview in various complex situations. She also says that they are often emphatic and have a high level of empathy. “Once the inner child has found home, the adult Eldest Daughter can use these abilities if and when she chooses.”
Sibling relationships affect career choices
The Hamburg child psychiatrist Michael Schulte-Markwort also assumes that as a child, our sibling relationships determine how we later compete with other colleagues in our jobs. And the American psychologist Frank Sulloway put forward a theory that older siblings, for example, often have conservative jobs and younger ones look for creative jobs.
That’s why it’s important to look inside yourself
Ultimately, it is firstly good to dissolve or work on old beliefs from childhood for yourself and secondly to set clear boundaries. Which means as much as not always putting out the feelers for a need for help. It is worth listening deeply to see whether support from those around you is self-sacrificing and you may be using up your own energy reserves, or whether you are often offering help to boost your own self-esteem.
Conclusion: Am I grateful to my parents today that they didn’t make me their big sister? I would say it is what it is. Everything has advantages and disadvantages. But I tend to think that having siblings is (almost always) a life enrichment.
Sources used: elle.de, unternehmer.de, psychologytoday.com