Christmas and the curious family
This is how you prepare yourself for questions about your relationship status, offspring, etc.
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Christmas – a contemplative one. At some point, someone usually asks the inappropriate, very private questions. Expert Sally Schulze reveals how you can prepare.
The fact is: most people like Christmas. Well, some people hate it too. But for many people it is a time when they look forward to being with family, having good conversations and eating delicious food. Conversations in which we gain personal insights into the lives and nature of other people. But what no one is looking forward to are questions that concern our most private things – especially not in front of the entire clan.
Well-intentioned is not always well-done
The thing is: in the vast majority of cases there is no malicious intent behind it, but rather concern for and great interest in a loved one. Sometimes just curiosity. Unfortunately, many people still lack the sensitivity and empathy to recognize that not every topic is suitable for a conversation, and especially not in such a setting. Not even if you know the other person well or they are close relatives. Everyone has areas in their life that are difficult or that they don’t want to talk about. And especially not on Christmas or New Year’s Eve.
Preparation is everything
A good answer is always one that you feel comfortable with. This is usually the case when you can determine the depth and scope of the answer yourself and don’t feel compelled to reveal something you’d rather not say. What helps is a little preparation and practice, says Sally. This can be done by first thinking about what questions these could be (e.g. the question about whether you want to have children). There are three possible answers to this question(s). Which answer you choose depends on how close or far away the person you are talking to is. With these answer options you can control the course of the conversation, similar to a traffic light. So there is a red, a yellow and a green answer that signal to the other person how willing you are to discuss this question. In addition, you are not overwhelmed in the situation and have to think of an answer ad hoc and at the same time regulate your own feelings that are triggered by the question.
Example: “When are you finally getting married?”
- Red answer: “I don’t want to talk about it now. But tell me – where did you actually go on summer vacation this year?”
- Yellow: “Difficult topic. Let’s discuss it in peace when we get the chance. But tell me – are you actually going skiing again in the winter?”
- Green: “We both find it scary at the idea of this festival, the dress and all the hoopla. We haven’t found a way yet as to how we want to do it and we often argue about the topic.”
Sally is a qualified psychologist, licensed psychotherapist and expert in gynecology. For four years she looked after women with threatened premature births and their parents in the baby intensive care unit at the Frankfurt University Hospital. She is therefore an expert in dealing with crisis situations. At the university clinic, she also provided voluntary advice to couples with an unfulfilled desire to have children. Soon she could no longer meet the many requests from emotionally burdened couples. This need gave rise to the idea for the online platform MentalStark.