communication
Alternative answers to “How are you?” when you can’t say “fine.”
© Artem Varnitsin / Adobe Stock
Many people know them: those days when the question “How are you?” hits a sensitive nerve. How you can respond in those moments without lying – and without opening a barrel you wanted to keep closed.
In Germany we don’t usually throw around the relevant question quite as generously as people in the USA – but we’re not particularly reserved about it either. We use them as icebreakers, ask them to casual acquaintances such as neighbors or ex-colleagues that we happen to meet on the street, and use them as the introduction to emails, messages, etc., when we are actually the ones who have something to get rid of . Sure, sometimes friends or relatives ask us, “How are you?” and are really interested in an honest answer, which can be as complex and long as it needs to be. But apart from such situations, the question usually functions like a serve in tennis, which we should (and want) return as quickly and gallantly as possible so that the rally gets going.
Basically this is not a problem. We don’t always have to be honest with everyone, we don’t always have to mean what we ask or say, and we certainly don’t have to shake up social rules and rituals that work fine for most people. But sometimes, oh, sometimes. Sometimes the question “How are you?” hit a sensitive nerve. Sometimes it can be impossible for us to return the ball with a “good” and remain standing on the field. Not because we want to be honest with our counterparts at all costs – but because we owe it to ourselves. But open a big barrel in front of your old friend? Tell the neighbor in the hallway that we feel overwhelmed by our job, caring for our mother and an acute wave of self-criticism and rejection? Not that attractive either. What can be a smooth return game in such moments: dodge inconspicuously. For example, with one of the following answers (… which of course we can all conclude with a “And what about you?”).
4 answers to “How are you?” when you can’t say “fine”.
“It annoys me/I love the weather”
Not original, but proven: the weather is a great topic to distract from. It creates a connection between us because we all experience it. At the same time, however, it offers opportunities for exchange, as we can experience it differently and have different opinions about it. In addition, the weather often has an impact on our mood, so that we can at least partially answer the other person’s question – or give them the feeling that we have answered it.
“It’s the weekend/almost the weekend/Monday…”
How about an innocuous statement that the other person can understand as an answer and interpret as they wish? There are significant points in the week that we can then point to for this evasive maneuver, for example the infamous Monday, when it is generally accepted to be in a bad mood, or the weekend, when the seriousness of life generally takes a break. A seemingly straightforward answer that will satisfy most “How are you?” questioners.
“I’m on my way to…”
If we don’t want to talk about how we’re feeling, but at the same time we can’t lie, we simply offer the person we’re talking to something that we don’t have a problem sharing – for example, that we’re on the way to the store, to our mother, or to a date , to the office… In most cases, this will make the other person jump to the conclusion that it’s not a good time to talk and deflect further questions.
“A lot going on at the moment.”
This answer can mean almost anything – and that is both an advantage and a disadvantage. By “busy” we could mean wars and climate change, personal crises or opportunities. It can arouse positive or negative associations, curiosity or understanding in our counterparts. Therefore, this answer provides breeding ground for further questions – which we may be even less keen to answer than “How are you?”. However, often enough people settle for the “busy” answer because most people know how they feel when they say there is a lot going on.