The first time in kindergarten is going well. But suddenly the child goes on strike in the morning and doesn't want to go any more. There are good reasons why this could be, but also ways in which parents can motivate their children.
The crisis often comes with a delay. Why?
Because the first few days are still too exciting to think about what's going on around you and what or who you don't like. After a few weeks, the allure of the new has evaporated – without the child having found their place in the group. The excitement gives way – uncertainty and protest spreads. Sometimes expectations that are too high also trigger a crisis. Then the child is disappointed – from the kindergarten or from himself. The latter can happen when adults have depicted the image of the "big kindergarten child" in too bright colors to a three-year-old, but the child soon realizes that it cannot meet these expectations because it feels rather small and insecure in the new environment.
In any case, the newcomers are only slowly beginning to realize how much their lives are changing and they now have a fixed weekly schedule. They find that their mother is no longer available at all times – as usual – but suddenly goes her own way, for example when she goes back to work after parental leave. But some children also get the crisis because their little sibling can stay at home while they have to go to kindergarten. They are simply jealous when it is not they but their brother or sister who have the mother to themselves.
How do I find out where my child's shoe pinches?
Not easy. Because the question of how it was in kindergarten is often answered with persistent silence. Most children have to pull every word out of their noses one at a time. That is understandable, after all, they talk all the time in kindergarten. Two other good reasons to remain silent: The many impressions have not yet been processed, or things have happened that are already embarrassing to a three-year-old. There are enough occasions: pour a glass, pronounce a word incorrectly, cry at the wrong moment. Re-drilling brings little. As an adult, you are most likely to learn something if you don't ask questions all the time, but tell them what you've been up to during the day. Or if you exchange a few sentences with the teacher. Perhaps this will help you find out what is bothering your child. The reasons often seem trivial to us adults, but they can be difficult for a child. For example if there is
- broke something in kindergarten and is therefore afraid of punishment;
- twice expelled from the doll's corner because the "father-mother-child family" was already complete;
- neither dares to go to the toilet alone nor dares to ask the teacher to clean his bottom.
Can the displeasure also have deeper causes?
Yes. For example, when a child is hardly supported or encouraged by the mother and father. Or if the parents themselves are unsure whether they can "expect" the care of their child. Every kindergarten freshman needs
- Understanding. For three- or four-year-olds, the first few weeks in the new environment are a feat. The hustle and bustle of a group of 25 demands a great deal of adjustment, especially from only children who do not have much experience with their peers. What a three year old starter really doesn't need is the feeling of not being taken seriously. He feels safer and more stable when he feels: "Mom and Dad understand my fear and help me";
- a clear yes to kindergarten. Not all parents are sure that the decision to go to kindergarten was the right one. They find it difficult to separate from their child, some have a guilty conscience because they fear that their child might feel deported. The children sense this insecurity and even increase it. Parents who fully support their decision report much less often about starting problems.
What to do if you keep crying in the morning
- Keep the farewell in the group room as short as possible.
- Don't let any pain show – even if your child's crying and clinging naturally hurts your soul.
- Hand over the child to the teacher as calmly as possible. She shouldn't pull it away while it clings to the mother or father's leg.
- Don't steal away.
- Do not leave kindergarten after an argument with the child.
If the morning goodbye is still difficult despite everything, try this:
- For a change, let someone else bring your child to kindergarten, for example their father or grandma. Often the handover with another person works without any problems.
- Allow him (in consultation with the teacher) to take his favorite cuddly toy with him as a comforter and protector.
- Get your child to kindergarten as early as possible in the morning. It will then be one of the first, and no small groups have formed yet.
Should I force my child – or give in?
One day an oath is made: A three-year-old Rumpelstiltskin stands screaming in the hallway and refuses to put on his jacket and go out of the house. What to do? The best thing to do is to apply for "leave": Talk to the teacher openly in the presence of your child and ask if your child can take a day of leave. The child can then take this vacation day themselves. With working parents, the child must coordinate their "kindergarten leave" with the parents' vacation planning. This solution gives the child the chance to decide for themselves when to take a day off and learn that they don't have to exert pressure to get a day off.
"Kindergarten leave" should remain the exception. Because if the kindergarten is canceled every few days, the impression quickly arises that kindergarten is actually not particularly important. And: Children who are rarely there find it even more difficult to grow into the group and to make friends. They tend to remain outsiders, which only increases the reluctance. A vicious circle.
How long do startup problems usually last?
Children are usually used to it after six to eight weeks. That means they no longer cry when they say goodbye and usually leave the house without reluctance. They no longer stand apart in the group, like to play with perseverance, seek consolation from the teacher and say when they need something. If parents still feel that their child is suffering even after two months, they should consider taking a longer break or even consider whether their child might prefer to stay at home for another year.
Is my child not even ready for kindergarten?
There is a legal right to a place in kindergarten for all children who have reached the age of three. But that does not mean that every child has to go to kindergarten on time for their third birthday or that the beginning of the kindergarten year is always the ideal start time. Because: Three-year-olds are at different stages in their development, and their temperament can also differ greatly. It may be the right decision to take an anxious and very reluctant child back out of kindergarten to try again six months or a year later – when they have expanded their social skills and can deal with fear and anger better. Or if the situation at home has relaxed a bit, because z. B. the jealousy of the sibling is gone. But it can also happen that a child just doesn't fit into their group. Or don't get along with the teacher. Then only a change to another group or a new kindergarten helps.
This article originally appeared on Eltern.de.