Envy is a particularly ugly feeling, thought BRIGITTE WOMAN author Katja Nele Bode for a long time. Until she understood that it is not only human to envy others, it is vital
I could write for myself here in pretty advertisements: Envy is not my thing. But I’m probably kidding myself. Because when the unspeakable term “vaccination envy” popped up a few months ago, I got angry: Why does a longing to be able to live more freely and carefree again immediately get a nasty label stuck on? It wasn’t about trying to sneak a dose of Biontech illegally, but about first allowing the feeling: Of course, I want that too! Although it’s not my turn yet. And is that supposed to be one of the seven deadly sins?
Vaccine envy is okay too
I call Katja Corcoran in Graz, professor of social psychology and an extremely cheerful envy researcher. She reassured me immediately: “Of course there can be vaccine envy. That is a completely human trait. And in no way only negative.” Because this vehemently expressed wish most likely motivated many others to vaccinate.
It is part of the work of the psychologist, to put it casually, to distribute plus points to the envy, this socially frowned upon impulse. I’m skeptical: except for the coveted syringe, filled with 2.8 millimeters of messenger RNA, I found jealousy of something very uncool to date. Lousy and ungracious. But that’s only half the story, because envy has two sides. There is the frowned upon, bad envy, which is actually highly problematic. Because it is destructive and leads to serious mental imbalances. But this somber fellow has an exciting, enterprising brother whom we hardly know. Which is a shame. Because he has the talent to drive something in us, to inspire us to go higher, yes, to get us into a pretty creative sprint.
The problem is: envy is so socially ostracized as an emotion that hardly anyone knows of its bright magical powers. From the psychologist from Graz I learned that I – like most of us – completely wrongly classified this exhausting emotion: as a dispensable evil, without society being one hundred percent more peaceful. Not correct! Because we are social beings, we even have to orientate ourselves towards others: by comparing ourselves, we locate ourselves. “That gives us orientation and structure. The social balance and the feelings it triggers have an important function. It tells me: Where am I, where do I want to go? Do I envy others because they are a little further than me, can that spur me on. ” Corcoran rejects the idea that we would have a more beautiful world if there was no envy as unscientific whitewash: “We cannot not compare ourselves. Even in egalitarian societies, differences, status differences, form. People want something and not just fool around . “
Envy has a lot to do with oneself and one’s position in the world
The researcher’s counter-proposal for a fairer cooperation: We would have to face our feelings of envy much more openly. Okay, but why should it be nicer when I know what I want? Doesn’t that mean that the chopping and stabbing just begin? Maybe because I’m secretly jealous that others write smarter texts, have more committed children or, quite simply, have the larger budget? No, says my interviewee: That is the usual short circuit. According to the motto: I don’t have, I’ll never get there, I won’t allow the others. It only creates bathroom vibrations in all directions and leads to a dead end. Let’s just think of Cain and Abel! The better solution: If I knock on my door self-critically and ask what is troubling me, I can realize: Envy has a lot to do with myself and my position in the world. That only I can change.
Unfortunately, the problem is: feelings of envy are suppressed very quickly, you feel ashamed of them. But emotions, even unloved ones, are always a vital indicator. The US psychoanalyst Lori Gottlieb puts it this way: “Feelings demand something from us. And it is a big mistake to silence them. Even an ugly feeling like envy has its meaning. I always say: Follow your envy. Instead to say that envy is completely alien to you, it would be better to explore how it leads you to your deeper desires. ” To hear that knocks me out. Suddenly I am curious and try to descend into the more uncomfortable lowlands of my lust for envy. Oh yes, there would always be a pair of sour, beautiful clothes that I envy other women who can afford them. Too flat? Or: I would like to be more eloquent, more quick-witted. Sometimes I feel faint-hearted anger when others sneak up their polished punchlines. How am I supposed to achieve this class goal? Or: I would like a small apartment in Berlin or Vienna, because I’m addicted to the buzz of the big city at the moment. Unfortunately, I can’t bake them for me.
Rolf Haubl, professor of sociology in Frankfurt and author of the enlightening classic “Only the Others Are Envious” (CH Beck Verlag), kindly asks you to remain calm for the time being when you discover that someone else has something you yourself desire . Without this rather stoic attitude we would not be able to “use envy as a signal that tells us something about ourselves”. If we always immediately “suppress the smallest signs of a feeling of envy”, we steal “vitality and creativity” Haubl raves about the “sparkling sparks” that this stepchild of emotions can strike.
Facing envy takes courage
I think of the crazy Prada dress I would love to have. Imagine myself strolling in Charlottenburg. Dream on: open a salon there, for good conversations, casual hospitality. Extremely illuminating. But aren’t my secret desires totally exaggerated? Probably the trick is to find out whether I am capable of the big run or if I prefer to bet on a feasible short distance. I can still go shopping through flagship stores for flair, but get elegant items secondhand (and more climate-friendly). Maybe I can afford to rent myself in a cosmopolitan city for three weeks a year (I don’t have to deal with broken boilers and gentrification envy for that). Can venture into a mini-salon in my hometown and practice my pun on selected, personable guests. “Ultimately, the point is to allow this small or larger grief that causes envy, and then to transform it by directing the focus on my resources,” advises envy researcher Corcoran. “Do I have the stamina to achieve the goal of my envy?” In other words: If we would like to have the sportier figure, the cool post, the chic allotment garden, we should get down to business: make plans, use our strength, overcome obstacles – and then action! But Corcoran also knows: “Facing one’s envy requires courage. First of all there is a painful feeling, a stab that tells me: You are not yet where you want to be. You have to dare to look at it first . “
Envy may be a driver, a catalyst, but he is not a fairy godmother who waves the magic wand for us. Tracking it down is very exciting, but not always fun. I have to check: can I even get there? Clarify for me, too: Is it just a socially whispered wanting to have? Do I think I need a stand-up paddle with lake access because it’s trendy? Or have I always wanted to slap off a wobbly board into the cold water after hours in a traffic jam? Is it a crazy idea to go around the world like the relaxed dropout family, or do I just need one last jolt because I have what it takes to sail close to the wind? Do I have to take on a managerial position in my life, have an Instagram-compatible sabbatical in Costa Rica?
An important consideration when we take a closer look at our feelings that are squinting next door: What price would we have to pay to approach our object of envy? Let’s assume that I would be jealous of a family, no one divorced, many children, well-heeled bohemians who ripple through life wonderfully, all of them incredibly creative and in a good mood. I have almost no other choice than to sink into a heavy nodding feeling of longing, which, however, takes me zero further: I will no longer achieve certain parameters of this constellation in my life. “When we grapple with hard-to-reach objects of desire, we often forget the costs that other people, whom we envy for their lifestyle, spend on it,” Katja Corcoran is now softening my cravings. In addition, it is never beneficial to go into this unpleasant test of strength à la I-fail-the-other-brilliantly. “That’s never true. We all tend to show ourselves to the outside world. This is not only the case on Instagram. You have to make compromises here. Question whether everything can be right.” The expert also knows that it makes life easier not to look too much for the contrast: “It’s just devastating. That’s when I give up my self-efficacy. Just think: I’ll never get there! And let myself be eaten away by it.” It is much more salutary to orientate yourself towards goals that are within your own radius. To measure yourself against people who are like you. Now I think of how I talked to my friend Christine about our children and I suddenly admired them for their carefree and at the same time very affectionate way of bringing up children. For a moment I felt a pang and thought: Am I not much more serious, more fearful, also more beastly to my sons? Then I took a deep breath and realized: I’m going to incorporate some of Christine’s joke and punk into my motherhood in portions. Successful inspiration!
Feelings of envy require renunciation.
Brilliant quatrains every hour on Twitter, sex seven times a week, master of the headstand, Bitcoin millionaire, diva aura, poly luck: Shouldn’t anything cause us sleepless nights when others seem to be shaking it off their sleeves. Because if (!) It is the truth, they worked damn hard for it. And we can relax and clarify whether we want to add a little more to these talents ourselves. Or not. Confronting one’s envy comfortably also means saying goodbye to things. Rolf Haubl says: “Feelings of envy require renunciation.” You have to know “when it’s not only always better, but also good”. Chronically jealous people don’t know when it’s good. “You cannot find this point and therefore cannot enjoy your life.” I definitely don’t want to be someone like that!
Envy, well dosed to generously sprinkled over my goals and desires like an exotic spice, can encourage me to change my life. If I manage to reconcile my super duper fantasies with what is really inside me. I can hang in there, look for alternatives, test my strengths. I think I won’t become a celebrity chef, bestselling author, or serenity queen anymore, but I know what I’ll do with verve in the next few weeks: cook cool street food recipes, finally start with the book idea that has been around for a long time is in my head and don’t forget to breathe in between.
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