Is love the answer to all questions? Not quite. It also provides quite a few. Psychologist and couples therapist Oskar Holzberg answers them all.
How much "ex" do we have to accept in a relationship?
In a nutshell:
Everything and then nothing at all.
Now in detail:
Antje starts up because Klaus talks and moans in his sleep. "Nuremberg", she understands. She shakes him gently, he turns and goes back to sleep. But not Antje. Because the family of Klaus ’ex lives in Nuremberg. And Antje knows that Klaus is terrified of losing contact with his two children if his ex-wife realizes her constant threat and really moves back to Nuremberg. Antje stares at the ceiling and feels anger rise within her. She loves Klaus. She is the woman at his side. But the ex reigns over and over again in their relationship.
They are the bane of our serial monogamy, the ex-partners who leave traces, both external and internal. The outer traces are basically easy to remove. We think that the picture that his ex bought should disappear from the living room wall. But our partner refuses. The picture is part of his story, his identity. In us, however, it rather arouses the fear that he has not yet completely broken away from his previous relationship. That not only the space on the wall, but also that on his side is not really free for us.
Breakups are difficult. But separating is an active process. And we can demand that our partner actively faces this process. That's why we shouldn't accept the doorbell that still has her name on it five years after she moved out, and certainly not the marriage bed in which our predecessor had sex with him. And not even the station wagon, which is still shared for financial reasons.
It becomes difficult when our new partner feels guilty because he has left a woman who now blames him for her misfortune. Or it is even determined by their suicide threats. Presumably he was responsible for the salvation of her soul during their relationship. Then he needs our support to break up. But we should experience that he seriously deals with this addiction.
The hardest thing is when children are involved. We have to accept that the ex asks him for help in the middle of the night because the little one has a fever or makes financial demands. The line between pure love for the children and blackmail attempts by injured ex-partners who act out their anger is difficult for us as a new partner. Rather, it is crucial whether he tries to keep his acute and avoided conflicts with the ex away from us. Or whether he lets us share in his fears and feelings.
Erasing the inner traces that a previous relationship leaves behind takes time – but above all, it takes openness on both sides. Only when we reveal the pain and the anger about feeling at the mercy, only when we share the distrust that the previous relationships arouse in us, can we support one another and assure one another of our connectedness. We don't have to accept the ex-partner in our relationship. But probably the inner conflict that our partner has to lead with her.
Oskar Holzberg is a couples therapist and writes the column “Questions of love” in every BRIGITTE. So there's no question that he's the perfect writer for this piece.
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