When a couple breaks up, arguments can rarely be avoided. But war – through family mediation. This is all the more important when there are children. Here you can find out which couples mediation is suitable for and what actually happens there.
When two people fall in love, they leave wounds. The other's idiosyncrasies that have always bothered you become larger than life. When talking about the future after the breakup, things are no longer moving forward, just going backwards. But actually the life of the common children should be regulated. "In the situation in which people seek help with mediation, one thing is typical: Both partners cannot appreciate the skills of the other and what they did earlier for the children and the togetherness," says Sabine Zurmühl, chairwoman of the Federal Working Group for Family Mediation e. V. (BAFM), "the respect for one another is completely lost." Accordingly, the partners hardly manage to talk to each other sensibly and, above all, to orientate themselves towards the well-being of their children.
Family mediation: who is it for and what happens there?
Family mediation is actually mostly about separation and divorce, maintenance disputes, pick-up and delivery times for the children and the search for a common line in further upbringing. In addition, there are couples who cannot afford to separate – and parents who live together who try to clarify generation and inheritance conflicts, school tensions, pocket money or vaccination discussions with the help of the mediator.
A place for constructive discussions.
The Wiechmann couple (name changed by the editors) was about the separation of households – the regulation of finances was initially of secondary importance. "I wanted our daughter to be harmed as little as possible. That's why I fought for mediation," says Reinhard Wiechmann, and he is sure: "If we could have talked to each other as constructively as we did during the separation under the guidance of a third party , we would probably still be a couple. "
Family mediation: a path for all couples?
One of the few requirements for mediation is that both partners come voluntarily and are actually interested in resolving the conflict. If it turns out at some point that this is not the case, the mediator breaks off the conversation. In a mediation it is not important what happened yesterday and how problems arose. We talk about what – viewed from the current situation – should be possible in the future.
There is no room for blame!
"We work focused on a specific topic and goal," explains Sabine Zurmühl from the BAFM. It is true that it is always about hurt feelings, but they cannot and should not be dealt with in mediation. "My husband earns a lot more than he admits. That's shabby, don't you think?" Is a typical accusation that the Munich mediator Katrin Normann repeatedly hears in the family emergency advice center. Her answer: "I don't give moral judgment or blame." The mediator may have his own opinion, but he doesn't say it. His aim is to find a solution that is viable for all parties as pragmatically as possible.
Put the rules in writing
Each partner should have approximately the same amount of speaking time when talking to the mediator. If the mediator asks each individual party for a proposed solution, an “I don't know” or “I don't want to do it that way” will not be accepted. The meetings should be constructive: "I imagine it this way …" instead of "Not like this." All Suggestions from the husband and wife are put down in writing on a flipchart so that they always have the ex-partners and the mediator in front of them and know where they should lead the conversation at the end. When the conflict is resolved, an agreement is formulated that both parties to the dispute must adhere to.
Just think as parents
Reinhard Wiechmann is happy about what he has learned in mediation: "We have understood that after the separation we should no longer think and talk on a relationship level, but only on the parent level – for our daughter." It was therefore no longer difficult for him to hug his wife after the divorce, to wish her all the best. He said to her: "I will always feel a little love for you because I saw how you gave me my daughter in the delivery room." But at the same time thought: "In the future I would rather live without you."
Previous legal knowledge stands in the way of a solution
"As far as legal knowledge is concerned, we prefer it when the people are still virgins," says mediator Katrin Normann. "Clients who have already sounded out their financial and custody claims in detail are no longer open to many suggestions and often decide against the interests of the children." By the way, mediators almost always offer to ask children (from preschool or elementary school age) for their opinion in one-on-one discussions. Usually the children then paint what their family looks like and tell them about the wishes they have for mum and dad. These wishes are almost always the same: "Mom shouldn't cry so often" or: "Parents shouldn't argue when they are brought or picked up."
Couples save money too
Experience shows: Nine out of ten – voluntary – mediations succeed, and an amicable solution is reached. Ultimately, it also saves the couples a lot of money. Because not every little thing in an attorney's letter flutters into the judge's house and table before a divorce occurs. So in the case of Reinhard Wiechmann: "We had clearly agreed the maintenance in the mediation and were both satisfied with it, but our lawyers tried to get the best out of their party in the divorce proceedings. I invited my wife to dinner and told her that the lawyers do this because they want to earn more from the divorce. We then forced the lawyers to accept our agreement and not fight another mud fight. "
Information on mediation
- costs: Couples who want to do mediation have to contribute to the costs. Depending on whether you turn to a counseling center (usually supported by donations), a successful lawyer, a psychologist or a social worker, the costs usually range from around 80 to 160 euros per session.
- Duration: Some problems are solved after three meetings, others take ten or more. The discussions each last one to one and a half hours and take place about once a month to every six weeks, so that the couples have the opportunity to try out the compromise solutions that have been developed.
- Addresses: Contacts to mediation centers throughout Germany are available from the Bundesarbeitsgemeinschaft für Familienmediation e. V. (BAFM), Eisenacher Str. 1, 10777 Berlin, Tel. 0 30/23 62 82 66. On the BAFM homepage there is also an alphabetical directory by mediators and a directory by postcodes.
This article originally appeared on Eltern.de.