The drama: Barbara Pachl-Eberhart lost her husband and two children in a car accident. What made them strong: humility, honesty with others and their own feelings, spirituality.
My husband and I both worked as clowns. As a clown, you learn that life never runs perfectly. That there are accidents, small and big. This profession taught me humility. A clown keeps making mistakes. He knows how difficult it is to be human and doesn't blame anyone. My husband made a mistake, he missed a train. I wasn't angry with Heli for that. Being evil takes a lot of strength, I could use that strength for other things.
If you forbid feeling, you become hard inside
In the first period after the accident, any kind of honesty helped me. I was grateful to everyone who didn't ask how I was doing, but simply provided practical help. I am also grateful to my best friend Sabine, who trusted me with her own feelings. She said I mourn too, let's mourn together. She didn't hide her grief behind compassion. I noticed that many people could not handle what had happened. And not with me either. I had to learn to communicate my needs clearly. It wasn't always easy, but it was necessary. Nobody can read minds.
Because of my work as a hospital clown, I knew a lot about crises and was therefore given therapeutic support right from the start. In addition, I read and saw specialist literature on grief: Ah, other people didn't get out of bed for five days. So I got permission to do what I think is right. I allowed myself sleep and despair. Because I lived in a country house, I could roar uncontrollably until I was so tired that I fell asleep. If you forbid feeling, you become hard inside.
I wanted to stay soft and sensitive, so I practiced to continue breathing, in pain, in fear, in anger. I allowed myself to stop working. I was lucky to find a new partner in the midst of grief, a man with emotional depth and a big, wide heart. He hadn't known me before the accident. He was not personally affected. I could not allow much of my grief until he was by my side. Ulrich is still my partner to this day, we got married in 2015.
Trust life further
I was looking for a new meaning in life. Part of my meaning was in writing. I wrote a book from the perspective of a survivor, a book about grief, but without a sombre look. With the book "Four minus three" (Heyne Verlag) I broke many mourning taboos without knowing it. The ability to think and feel freely and not to swim in the mainstream is innate to me, it was reinforced by my clown training.
I decided to continue to trust life. Paradoxically, it is easier for me today than it used to be. I trust my self-healing power, I have even more courage to get involved in the unknown.
One question has occupied me for a long time: Would I be able to say again one day that I'm really happy? Would I be allowed to say that? I was helped by the question of what my deceased family thinks about this topic. I see myself as the floor staff of my heavenly family. That is why I try to continue to represent our spirit. It is a happy spirit who values humor and happiness. I think my family says: Yes, it's good that you let happiness come back to you, and not a crouched happiness, but really great happiness.
As a writer, after my grief, I wanted to write about funny things and everyday problems again. I allow myself that again today. My life has been back to normal since my daughter was born three years ago. A few remnants remain: If it has to be driven by car, I'll do it. I didn't have to discuss that in my family, it turned out that way.
Barbara Pachl-Eberhart, 46, lives in Vienna with her current husband and daughter. She works as a resilience trainer and author. Her most recent publication was "Miracles waiting around the corner" (Integral Verlag).
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