"You're overreacting", "Don't be like that" or "Relax!" If you hear these sentences more often, your partner may be gaslighting. We'll explain what's behind it.
Classic! He always leaves his wet sports clothes in the bathroom. The first time you put it away without comment, the second time too. But the third time you have enough and you say: "It bothers me if you don't keep your workout clothes!" He turns around, looks reproachful and hisses: "Now take it easy! You're exaggerating again!" Ui, that sat.
Now the thought carousel starts for you. Was i too bitchy? Shouldn't I have said anything? It's not that bad with the sports gear … The feelings that replace the anger that was there a moment ago are now guilt and shame. The next time you'll think twice about bringing up his sloppiness.
How the manipulation works
Do you know what just happened there? Although HE was the one who generated these emotions, the partner suggests to you with sayings like "You're exaggerating", "Man, are you sensitive!" or "You always with your compulsion to control"that your emotions are totally inappropriate and not normal. This is nothing more than manipulation! Because it makes you feel insecure or even regret your reaction.
For that kind of emotional manipulation there is even a technical term: gas lighting. The term comes from the film "Gaslight" with Ingrid Bergmann. In it, a man tries to make his wife appear insane in order to snatch her jewels under the nail. For example, he blocks the gas light in the house ("gaslighting"), which keeps blacking out – so that the woman thinks she is crazy.
Often men are not aware of what they are doing
Qualified psychologist Elke Aliatakis from the platform "Psychologen-Online"knows this phenomenon and knows: "The 'perpetrator' does not necessarily have to be aware that he is manipulating his partner. This often happens unconsciously, especially at the beginning." If he criticizes with a clumsy "Now stop spinning" dismisses, there may be no malicious intent behind it. He may have internalized these and other phrases long ago in order to avoid a real discussion.
But whether the manipulation happens consciously or unconsciously – Gaslighting can have serious consequences for the psyche and the relationship."Basically, gaslighting is psychological abuse"says the expert. "In the beginning, the other person's statement confuses you and you take a defensive stance. At some point, however, you begin to doubt – women in particular can quickly become unsettled. You then ask yourself: Is there something to it?" The problem: if the "perpetrator" notices that he is unsettling his "victim", he can take advantage of this in a targeted manner in the future. Often – but not always – it is narcissists who gaslighting.
Help, I don't want to be a bitch!
If you are rebuked by your partner for every little criticism, over time you will adopt a submissive attitude. "You then try to adapt automatically", says Aliatakis, "This leads to the fact that your own judgment decreases more and more." Then you rarely express criticism. The fear is too great to be referred to as an overly sensitive slinger or bitch again. Gaslighting as a form of abuse can lead to a decline in your self-esteem and you no longer dare to express your feelings. The balance in the relationship begins to crumble.
When do the alarm bells have to go off?
Getting a stupid saying from your partner is something everyone knows – and it doesn't have to be gaslighting. But Aliatakis advises: "If it happens again and again and you have a bad feeling about it, you should ask friends or family for advice. You may also have noticed that the partner is acting strangely. "
How do I react to gaslighting as a victim?
Regardless of whether the manipulations are consciously controlled by the partner. The most important thing is to be aware: it is completely normal for me to get upset. I am in the RIGHT! And if not, I want to reasonably discuss it with my partner. "It is important to send a clear stop signal "says the expert. "If the partner has a different perception and always uses the same manipulative phrases, then one should ask him: Why are you repeating this over and over?" The partner weighs down? "Then it's best to make it clear: I don't want you to talk to me like that!"
If necessary, explain in more detail why you are reacting, how you are reacting. As simple as it sounds, it is often helpful to simply point out what he is doing with his sentences. "I feel bad when you portray me as a bitch. That's not fair." or "The subject is a sore point for me." Perhaps only then does he realize how crucial the right choice of words is.
According to Aliatakis, getting outside help can also help."If friends and family have no advice, a couple counselor or psychologist may be able to help." It is important to overcome the shame and admit to yourself: Yes, now I need help!
You can also get advice from experts and psychologists online at Psychologists Online.