Children have more and more easy access to pornographic sites on the Internet. How to react if we discover that our child has viewed this kind of content? Elena Goutard parental and family coach, enlightens us.
Catching a child viewing pornographic images (or discovering it in history) is the fear of many parents. Many still see their children as babies, incapable of this sort of thing, and try to push the discussion of sexuality as far as possible. Yet, this is something they need to be prepared for. Indeed, children are increasingly exposed to this type of content. According to an Opinionway "Moi Jeune" poll conducted for 20 Minutes in 2018, at just 12 years old, nearly one in three children has already been exposed to pornography. And this, without the parents necessarily knowing it.
Today, it has never been easier to access pornographic images and movies, whether intentional or accidental. Depending on the age of the child, these contents can be shocking and leave psychological traces. This is why it is necessary to talk about it with your offspring rather than punishing them. Parental and family coach Elena Goutard explains how to do it.
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Do not punish the child
For the expert, "We must already try to understand what brought him to a pornographic site". Was it his curiosity that prompted him to deliberately look at this type of image? Is it because he talked about it with classmates at school? Or did he stumble upon it accidentally? "It's quite natural for a child to take an interest in it, even though at 5-6 years old they often have other concerns, as they are mostly interested in the subjects that their brain is capable of processing", warns the specialist.
Whatever his answer, he should not be punished. "This will not solve the problem," warns the coach. Before explaining: "In order for the child to open up about what he has seen, there must be a certain behavior: do not panic, be critical or raise your voice. If he feels fear or judgment in our voice, he's not going to want to talk about it. He will be afraid of being deprived of a screen or television, for example. But that carries a danger: if he was shocked by these images, he is not going to say it and remain with a great emotional charge. Also, the more abruptly we react, the more the child feels that this is a sensitive subject. Our reaction can even fuel their curiosity. "
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Talking about sexuality and consent
Be sure to ask him how he felt when he saw these pictures, if he understood the situation correctly, give him a way to verbalize his emotions. “We must neither dramatize nor relativize. Take this as a wake-up call: I must take the time to discuss this subject with my child ", adds Elena Goutard. The child should not be left alone in the face of these images. Discuss sexuality with him, ask him what he already knows and what he wants to know: the older they get, the more children ask questions about their bodies.
"If he's shocked, tell him that you too can be shocked by these kinds of images. It is also necessary to explain to the children that this is not real life, that they are actors, that there are special effects, etc. And above all, that it does not represent sexuality at all ”, says the expert. It is important that they understand that it is not on these sites that they will find the right information on the subject, and that it is even dangerous, because it is completely out of reality.
This is particularly the opportunity to talk to him about respect for others and consent. Even if for the specialist, it must be approached well before being in this situation, and depends especially on the education that we give to our children. “You have to explain to them respect for the body, yes. But in my opinion, it also means respecting the child's body, such as not forcing him to give a hug or a kiss. The notion of consent must be mentioned very quickly ”, she says.
Install parental controls
While many parents say they have parental controls installed at home, sometimes it is not effective or only on a screen. Children can thus find other ways to get to sites reserved for adults. “Today, you can easily run into anything and everything. Parents must be informed on the subject in order to install real parental controls and limit the dangers ”, continues the coach. She advises limiting access to screens for the youngest, by defining sites they can or not go to and by defining time slots for screen time. "It's best to keep the screens in the living space, where you can have some surveillance, and not leave them in their bedroom with a tablet or phone without any parental controls.", she recommends.
On February 9, 2021, on "Safer Internet Day", the government also launched a campaign to challenge parents of children and adolescents on exposure to pornography and its consequences. This is accompanied by a new platform called "I protect my child", where parents can be informed, find advice and support in setting up parental controls. The site also offers sexuality education content to free speech between parents and children.
You can also join associations, such as the National Federation of Schools for Parents and Educators, Inter Service Parents (01 44 93 44 93) of the Childhood Foundation or the e-childhood association, to support you.
Books to help you
Do not hesitate to help you with a book as a support, to talk about sexuality with your children:
The books to leave at their disposal: