“I’m the snack between meals!” A life as a stopgap

She lets herself be lit and touches my hand. She says: “Somehow I’m not tired at all.” We look at each other for a moment too long: The usual key stimuli in the initiation phase are only of secondary interest to me. It becomes interesting for me when people talk about the past and, above all, their future. “I have to clear my head first.” – “I’m fed up with great love.” – “Fixed relationship? Thank you, maybe again in a few years. “ When these or similar sentences are used, I’m totally in the act. First, because there are no better talks than relationships, especially failed ones. In principle, one is already on the topic, and the ex-men usually do not do particularly well, so in a direct comparison I can only do a bella figura. Especially since I am actually a good listener, someone who asks genuinely interested, with whom you can have a really good conversation – about this topic.

The man for in between

Secondly, I am now hard on the ball because such statements indicate to me: a high willingness to have affairs, even an interim relationship if you like, but by no means jointly planning your life until the bitter end. Thirdly, it is immediately clear that you are not being checked out to determine whether you are the perfect mix of daring lover and responsible family man. That makes everything more relaxed and uncomplicated. I then dare more. “Let’s continue chatting at home.” In an emergency, the sentence does not come off my lips so calmly. “Mind if I try to kiss you now?” Not a lonely peak of rhetorical seduction, I know, but you can ask politely, right? All in all, that sounds a little romantic, probably even a little cynical, calculating. But it is not. In fact, I just feel good and very comfortable in such situations. And I think I am broadcasting that too. I am cheerful, exuberant and like to talk – I don’t have to perform, I don’t have to be afraid of destroying everything with the wrong word. “By the way, it’s really nice with you” – I’ve heard that sentence a couple of times on such evenings, and I’ve already replied a couple of times: “Could be because of you.” Not incredibly clever either, I know. But it is true. That I can contribute a little Pimping a woman’s ego is good. My ego too. A deal at eye level, I almost said by now, but that sounds so hard again. A man, a woman who are doing each other very good, who have a lot to tell each other, who may or may not be about to have sex with each other. It tingles your stomach a lot, but you still stay in your senses.

Enjoyable premiere nights

Which, by the way, can have a positive and profitable effect on that very sex. He is not particularly famous on the first night of a great love, the two are too emotionally charged with the sensation of the great, intimate fusion to have really good sex. On the other hand, as a stopgap, I experienced really very enjoyable premiere nights, in which both were completely on the topic, very focused and creative. Or, to put it casually: to be a little messier or tougher, which can be a lot of fun with mutual consent, is simply easier when you are not in bed with the love of your life. But maybe next to someone who wants to pay back for the great love of his life. Has been betrayed or abandoned and looking for someone bold or sexy enough to settle the bill. Knowing this can be fun sexually. I am not sinking into an ocean of feelings I have never known before, but rather look at the situation like an observer: Okay, you are lying next to her now, and she wants to do it with you so that the next day she is less offended and humiliated and more self-confident new day begins. That sounds patronizing, but it is not meant in that way at all, on the contrary: I can take care of my own pleasure quite undisturbed, the positive ego effect of my service does not depend on whether and how often it comes, but on us have done. Well, the follow-up is less ecstatic, the next day you get, how should I put it, a “happy” text message like “Hey, you were really nice, are you as good as me?” .

Bumps in communication

And you write back: “Yes !!! It was incredibly nice with you. ”Now maybe something else should come up, thumb and forefinger wandering indecisively over the keyboard. The temperature has to be right. Not too euphoric, but not too cool either. “And I would love to see you again.” Unfortunately, there are always bumps in communication at this point. I mean “I really like”. That’s actually pretty good. And by that I mean that I want to see her again, but can also think of other things. She may interpret “totally happy” as “I only think about you and can hardly wait!”. I usually notice this from the frequency of your text messages. Feel the urgency, although of course she tries to be very casual. But it came to a professional. Me. With this variant, the further course of a stopgap relationship is fairly foreseeable. She wants more than a gap – I don’t. You have to pull the rip cord in good time.

Otherwise, the further sequence of a “right” relationship is not that dissimilar, everything just goes much faster. On the third or fourth evening, people only talk until twelve or half past twelve, until sex comes, the first common “crime scene” is viewed after two to three weeks (“You, I’m totally exhausted, I’m not going anywhere anymore today out. ”-“ I feel the same way. ”). But, and of course that should not be kept a secret at this point, you don’t always part with each other so very easily, smoothly and “totally” by mutual agreement.

“You’re such an ass”, combined with a heavy kick in my boot against my favorite guitar – that wasn’t a great end to an affair at all. I don’t remember exactly what had happened, and even worse: I hadn’t even noticed that her feelings had turned towards me, I didn’t even have a category for it, I was just the stopgap.

At some point everything turned out differently

A beautiful abandoned woman, a relaxed evening, I reeled off my usual program and thought I was on safe ground. We then had a couple of sensational months, which I filled in the best possible way. Until she suddenly decided that her ex was the boy on the white horse after all. In principle I had no objection to this, but I found the timing to be “totally” wrong. So wrong that I basically spent half a year sitting at home staring at the carpet. Total nonsense, I fell in love. And that was the first kink in my doll-loving, deeply relaxed and totally uncomplicated stopgap career. This first phase lasted about seven years, and I don’t want to miss any of them in my life, everything was as I described it and everything was fine. But at some point the cheerful non-commitment felt like a hollow tooth. At some point the course of the conversation became so predictable that you could join in on the next text: “And I really thought that would be something forever.” – “Brutal, if such a lifelong dream burst, right?” – “Brutal.” And caught having sex you find yourself more and more often not really involved and think: “What am I doing here?” The really good thing about such an extended phase as a stopgap is that you recognize the difference to love afterwardsif you get involved. Rapid pulse, stuttering, stammering, doubting, hoping, dreaming, almost passing out. I don’t have to explain further. Not even that in an emergency it can get pretty exhausting every now and then. Is just included in the price.

But stop! There is no romantic, conciliatory ending to this text. Stop dreaming of men who will eventually be converted. Yes, yes, I can already see how you smile blissfully! Because when it gets really annoying again, you long for the carefree days. After freedom and the first time. After the feeling that everything is open – and always will be. And then I know very well that she will come back. The phase. The woman for it. The moment I say: “Let’s talk more at home.”

Barbara