Asexuality – is a relationship even possible with it? Definitive! But often non-asexual people cannot imagine much of the topic. Two asexual women want to change that and do away with the prejudices.
What does asexuality actually mean? For my interview partners Nina Raap and Franziska Hörstgen, it means that they feel no sexual attraction to other people and have no desire for sexual activity. In the community, people on the spectrum also call themselves Aces. However, their sexuality does not mean that they do not want or cannot have relationships.
People who are sexually attracted and don’t belong on the asexual spectrum are also called allosexuals. However, it is often difficult for them to imagine a relationship without sex or a life without sexual desire. Because this norm is actually preached to us everywhere: At school, in the family or with friends when talking about the first relationship or the first time, but also in the media it is very often (and often unrealistically) about that theme sex.
Of course, that’s not all that makes a relationship. Franziska and Nina have been in a relationship with their current partner for several years. In addition, in their current partnership and in the past, they have already had relationships with allosexual, i.e. not asexual, people and spoke very openly about their experiences in the interview.
The psychic connection to each other
The two women do not need sex. They have little sexual activity in their relationships. “Sex is something I do as a favor for my partner and can enjoy it because I know I’m making him happy,” explains Franziska, “and I can enjoy the emotional closeness that develops.” But of course it is important that the partner accepts their limits as they are and does not ask for more than they can give.
It’s the same with Nina. Sexual activity is not about her own desire, but rather about emotional closeness. “For me, it’s more the psychological connection to each other. Physically, I don’t need it,” she says. “I can survive for the rest of my life without being sexually close to anyone.” Both of them sometimes engage in sexual closeness for their partners, but only if they want to and can allow it. Other asexual people sometimes abstain from sex entirely. That each person of the spectrum handles it differently.
“I’m a pretty hopeless romantic”
While both are asexual, they are not aromantic at the same time. That would mean not being able to feel romantic feelings. You are panromantic and therefore are attracted to people of all genders on this level. Because the spectrum on which the two move is very diverse and so several characteristics can apply to one person.
For both women, being close to other people is important. For example, watching a movie together, going on a date, cuddling or kissing. “I feel love for everyone and I’m a pretty hopeless romantic,” explains Nina, laughing. “Little things like holding hands or hugging, that’s something that makes me completely happy in a relationship.” Franziska can only agree: “I appreciate romance incredibly, but basically what I expect from a relationship is love – without having to bend over backwards for it.”
Open and honest communication
For Nina and Franziska it is clear that their partners should also be happy in their relationship. But in the past, the demands of people who were with them sometimes went too far. As far as their asexuality is concerned, both are always open in their partnerships.
“My very first partner really needed it, so for him it was part of a relationship, which I accepted,” says Nina. The two were a couple for five years. The fact that she didn’t want the sexual closeness to the extent that her partner led to the separation at the time: “He could get her, but only to a certain extent, as long as I wanted it myself.”
At that time, Nina realized that it is the task of both partners to maintain a relationship – and not only up to her: “It has to be a measure where you say: Okay, everyone makes the same effort for this Relationship. Everyone makes an effort to make their partner happy, and everyone takes care of themselves.” It is just as natural in other relationships, regardless of whether they are both allosexual or not.
The acceptance of sexuality
Nina and Franziska sometimes had bad experiences with their first partners. “In previous relationships I sometimes allowed more than I wanted because I had the feeling: I have to do it. Otherwise my partner is unhappy and if my partner is unhappy, the relationship is automatically unhappy too,” explains Nina.
That was a big mistake in past relationships that she would not repeat now. Instead, in her current partner, she has found someone who accepts her romantic needs and lack of interest in sexual intimacy.
“My partner showed a lot of acceptance right from the start and he’s a bit on the ace spectrum himself,” explains the 21-year-old. “Neither of us are that sexually active. But if, for example, he really wants to do something with me, then he tells me honestly and I’ll say if I want it too. So simple: very simple consent.” The word “Consent” means “approval” in German. This can occur in any everyday situation – or in private dealings with each other (both in relationships and with friends). Consent between two or more people is therefore never dependent on just one person. Instead, consent should always be mutual or come from everyone involved in the situation.
Relationship management is similar for all sexualities
For Nina and Franzi it goes without saying that they work on their relationships and exchange ideas with their partners: “Basically, every relationship should be in constant communication and discussion about what’s going on: Is what we want from each other right now, what we need from each other and what is it that this relationship cannot function without?” says Franziska. Of course, this is not a fixed block that she and her partner gradually work through, explains the 22-year-old. Nevertheless, it is an important step in order not to neglect the relationship and its lovers.
But Nina and Franziska are probably even more used to talking to their partners about the relationship because of their sexuality. What the partner needs at the moment, what they can give themselves and what they want to give – according to Franziska, such discussions should take place again and again and build on one another. “I think that extends beyond asexual and allosexual relationships. It should be the cornerstone of every relationship.”
Sources used: Aktivista, Asexuality.org, Funk