How should I act in this situation? Was that right? Should I do it differently in the future? Shit, this can’t happen again! – Are you familiar with that?
Many of us are always thinking about what we should and shouldn’t do and, most importantly, how we can improve in order to help ourselves and others. But sometimes the actually positive thought of self-reflection becomes a never-ending rumination. We explain what you should consider when it comes to self-reflection.
Between accusation and acceptance
Self-reflection can be useful for many people. It is fundamentally anchored in us, helps us to decode social clues and also to develop social emotions. For example: feelings of guilt. Both can help us in relationships with other people. In addition, through self-reflection we learn to control our emotions and become aware of our own actions and feelings. But: Self-reflection can also have negative consequences if we use it incorrectly. For example, people with anxiety disorders, depression or a mood disorder often tend towards extreme self-reflection. Most of the time, their thoughts end in negative blame, directed at themselves. At the other extreme, people are often less empathetic or bad at communicating with others. So a balance is needed.
Self-reflection made easy
The most important thing is to drop the blame game. Instead, we should ask ourselves how we ourselves are responsible for the problem. Changing the way we act or how we communicate with others is usually the most helpful solution. Instead, it is counterproductive to keep reminding yourself of old situations, with all the small mistakes that you see yourself and that others may not have noticed at all. While we may feel like we’ve failed across the board to others, they may be totally fine. Speaking up instead of brooding is therefore the be-all and end-all. In the best-case scenario, we suddenly get positive feedback that we didn’t expect at all, or constructive criticism about what we did wrong and what we can do better in the future. So we don’t even have to ponder and think about what we could have done better. When there are internal entanglements in our heads, it can be most helpful to take advantage of the swarm intelligence of others. Eating all the thoughts is almost a guarantee that with more and more bugs we want to see and fix, eventually it will become too much. That’s why it’s important not to want to see through everything down to the smallest detail.
It’s not me, it’s the others!
This, too, can be a result of false self-reflection. There are good reasons to be mad at others, and sometimes it’s really their fault that things don’t go well. For example, if we want to work together in a project group with someone who prefers not to do anything and lets the rest of the team drag them along, or if our partner forgets our anniversary or birthday. However, in most situations, including the ones mentioned, these people usually do their mistakes with no malicious intent. The project partner we regard as lazy may not like speaking his/her opinion in front of others because he/she doesn’t believe in their own ideas – or simply thinks that we are more competent. And the partner may just be incredibly bad at remembering data… that happens because not every brain prioritizes the same things or can remember the same things. Accepting this is a first step towards improvement and we should also be aware that complaining almost never leads to a solution to the problem.
And how is it right?
Instead, think about what made you doubt yourself or others in a situation. What is the reason you are unhappy? Once you have the answer, take it one step further: Do you need to apologize or do you need to address someone else about how a certain situation made you feel? Important: Small steps lead to success. Some things can also be clarified overnight, others we may have to address several times or realize that we are the culprit. Knowledge is the first road to improvement.
These steps can help
1. Recognizing what things or people are causing you problems
What happened or what did someone do to throw you off balance?
2. Eliminate triggers
What is happening to you because of the situation you found yourself in? What are the consequences of what happened for you – emotionally or physically? Are you sleeping badly or maybe you can’t stop thinking about it? We like to ignore all of that, but it’s definitely issues that bother us mentally.
3. How important is it to you that the problem is fixed?
Is the problem one that will continue to upset you in the future – or can you overlook it since it’s really just a minor thing? Often we are angry or annoyed by things that are not worth bothering with. For example, if the partner keeps forgetting to take out the garbage or the socks keep ending up on the floor instead of in the laundry basket. Of course, we can also address such problems and often fix them. Sometimes, however, such behaviors have been anchored in your partner for ages and changing them therefore requires more than just a one-off address. Maybe we can just accept the socks on the floor or just put them away ourselves. Life shouldn’t be about getting angry about something like that.
4. The problem is too big for you to ignore
You have to make the decision: move on and move on, or create a new situation. For example, if taking out the trash doesn’t stop there and you feel like you’re really holding a grudge against him or her, maybe it’s time to work on the general situation between you.
5. What keeps you in the situation?
What did you do to make the situation persist? Who does which household and how can you make sure that you are not the only person thinking about laundry, cleaning the house or the garbage? Sit down, make a plan, and remind each other of your tasks without getting too demanding. Discuss why the split is important to you and how you feel when it’s all up to you. In some cases, you shouldn’t tolerate the condition any longer and take care of everything yourself. Sometimes it really needs a change in the behavior of both partners.
7. Consider your own feelings
How do you usually deal with your problems? Are you the type that needs harmony and avoids conflicts? Or do you rush when it comes to making decisions and then maybe only achieve half of what you set out to do? People are different and have different approaches to their problems. This is just a little reminder to look at your own behavioral patterns and to assess why you are in a situation that is not suitable for you. Take your time. Maybe you need to bring things up more often. Maybe take things more slowly. Or you have a strong need for help and would like to make it easier for the other person, but you overdo it. There are many different solutions for many different individuals. So don’t make yourself a scapegoat for your own behavior, but own up to it and think about how you can change it.
8. The little things
Often a small detail is enough to be able to handle a situation better in the future. Does your mother-in-law or your own family drive you crazy with griping and nagging about you or your own life? Get off topic. Just give an unexpected compliment or react in a friendly way instead of being irritated or annoyed. Or: Just pretend that the problems that aren’t actually problems are important. Because to the person you’re talking to, maybe they are. That could defuse some situations for everyone involved.
9. Action instead of inner reaction
Be part of the solution. The more we think about how we influence our problems and what simple ways we can reduce our stress, the better. But the most important thing remains: stay true to yourself and don’t bend yourself completely. Don’t always see yourself as the fundamental problem, but as part of the bigger picture. And don’t forget: Small details are enough in many situations.
Sources used: Psychology Today, National Library of Medicine