The school sandwiches, the laundry, the holiday preparation, the parents' evening, the car in the workshop … anything else? This is called "mental load": women often have to think of everything while men let things go that way. This imbalance is a problem that concerns everyone, says author Laura Fröhlich.
"The woman for life is not the girl for everything" is the title of your book dealing with the subject of "Mental Load". It was celebrated as a wake-up call, like a loud "Mamaaa" at three at night. And that every woman should read it. And then pass it on to two men. At least … What was your wake-up call?
Laura Fröhlich: That I collapsed We were on vacation. The whole family organization was still up to me. And then I noticed that no one had thought of doing speech therapy exercises with our son. This is of course no drama, but at that moment it broke the barrel for me. I got the worst rattle I have ever had. I sat there and just cried. We then canceled the vacation. And there was another wake-up call: I discovered the topic of "Mental Load" with blogger Patricia Cammarata. It was like a revelation, I thought: That's it!
Mothers now usually know immediately what "mental load" means. But how do you explain that to men, for example?
As a "mental burden". Especially when you take care of everything in the family, and especially when you take care of children, there are an incredible number of tasks. You always have to have everything in mind. This thought and organizational work, this eternal need to have everything in view, often leads to overload. That is the "mental load" phenomenon. You could perhaps also call it a kind of domestic burnout.
Do most men lack the necessary sense of responsibility to prevent such overload?
They lack it, but not because they are all lazy or don't want to get involved. I'm less upset about the men than about the fact that society continues to push us into the old roles from an early age: the man is the main breadwinner, the woman takes care of the children. If we lived in a perfect world, men and women could share work, household and upbringing among themselves as they please. Then it wouldn't be so difficult for fathers to reduce their working hours. But our working time models are still far too inflexible and family-unfriendly.
What exactly do you want from fathers? What should they change?
First, I want fathers to take responsibility in the workplace and say out loud that their families need them now. That they say: "I am reducing my working hours." Or: "I'm not working overtime today."
And secondly?
Second, fathers should really take responsibility at home. And don't just stay passive and say: "If you had said something, I would have done it too." A father should see that his child needs new boots. And then go out with him and buy some. Finished.
After your breakdown, you turned everyday family life inside out. How did you do that?
My husband and I had a very clear structure that helped us to find a fair solution and to actually share the "mental load". We are now doing this as an organization team: on Sunday afternoons there is a fixed "kitchen meeting" to plan the week. We use "Trello" as an organization app. And even if it all sounds very technical: The good old Excel list for assigning tasks has proven itself for us. For all those who are afraid of such tables: I have already worked ahead and created an "ultimate control board list". You can use it as a template on my blog www.heuteistmusik.de download.
Is such a list also an instruction manual for everyday family life?
Absolutely. And this is particularly important in times of crisis. That saved my husband and me when we were both at the attack because of the Corona emergency. Nevertheless, we never had the feeling that the other was resting here on my caring work. And such instructions are also important if someone really gets sick or has to go to the hospital. A year ago I was haunted the kitchen with a flu, filled the washing machine, reminded the whole family of appointments, gathered up the children's things … When my husband got sick a week later, he didn't have to go out the bed, but was able to relax in peace. Only when everyone is able to cope with everyday life can you really cure yourself as a mother or simply take yourself out of it. Incidentally, such instructions for everyday family life do not only work as an Excel list. If you want, you can simply write everything down in a notebook.
What if you don't have a partner who can do something for you?
In general, something urgently needs to happen in our society for single parents. Otherwise they will be really crushed by the burden they carry. At the moment I can only guess: Let everything fall back that doesn't have to be. Don't let the mother myth drive you crazy. Nothing has to be perfect.
And dare to ask for help. And it would be nice if all parents would also actively approach single parents and offer their help wherever possible.
What do you say to critics who dismiss the discussion of "mental load" as a luxury problem?
Mothers like the author Patricia Cammarata and I are of course privileged because we have partners who can also be talked to. Maybe that's why we are so relieved that we could even write books about "Mental Load". Most mothers a) don't even know what they are suffering from. And b) have no time or energy to read at all and to create any tables or to defend against their overload. We now owe it to these women to draw attention to this problem. "Mental load" is not a luxury problem, it is much more than the question of who puts the toothpaste on the shopping list. Very few of them break down on vacation like me and then have a man who gets active and helps – they break down completely. That is why the discussion about "mental load" is not just a private matter. It is a highly political and social matter.
Do you see yourself as a champion in this matter?
You can also become a champion in the weekly distribution of tasks at the kitchen table at home. We women can no longer shoulder all of this care work and family organization alone until we collapse. We have to show solidarity and become impatient, loud and angry because we no longer feel like being nice, quiet and available. We have to raise our voices, even for those who simply can no longer. We should start the revolution at home and take it to the streets and into the public. I have a feeling we will be many.
Laura Merry also fights for her daughter – "Not that our girls later still think: Okay, I'm the mom, I have to take care of everything, and if not, I'm the bad mother."
Mother's magazine
more on the subject "Mental Load" in the autumn issue of BRIGITTE MOM. Now in stores or at www. order gettotext-mom.de/.
Patricia Cammarata is a qualified psychologist, project manager, blogger (www.dasnuf.de) and lives with three children and her partner in Berlin. She introduced the term "mental load" in Germany. Her book offers specific tips on how to distribute the load: "Get out of the mental load trap – how a fair division of labor in the family succeeds" (224 p., 17.95 euros, Beltz).
Laura Merry works as a journalist, in online marketing and lives with her husband and three children near Ludwigsburg. On her blog (www.heuteistmusik.de) she deals with compatibility and feminism. More about the mother myth and what needs to change: "The woman for life is not the girl for everything – what parents gain when they share the mental load" (192 p., 16 euros, Kösel).
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