Mental load
What helps against the invisible burden?
© Tatyana Gladskih / Adobe Stock
Mental Load refers to the invisible work that many of us do every day. How to address the challenge and be able to divide yourself better as a living community.
Do you ever feel exhausted by the sheer number of tasks you have to complete? After a full day of work, do you still need to find time for housework, exercise, meal planning, grocery shopping, social activities, and more? The demands of daily life can be stressful enough when all we have to think about is ourselves. When a partner or children are added to the mix, we can quickly feel overwhelmed by the burden. Even in the most progressive households, where couples split housework fairly evenly, there is still one person who does most of the “thinking work”—aka Mentally Load.
What is meant by mental load?
Mental load is a term for the invisible workwhich is associated with running a household and a family and, according to studies, usually falls on the shoulders of women.
A bonus often associated with romantic relationships is the division of labor. The partners can divide the tasks to share the burden, so to speak. But if one partner has to constantly remind the other to keep his/her end of the agreement, create to-do lists for him/her, or keep a chore schedule, it’s still work. If the burden is not shared and the problem is not addressed, it can become a major point of contention in the relationship.
Examples of Mental Load
- You always have to be with your partner to ask for help and about it rememberto complete important tasks.
- You distribute Praise for the completion necessary tasks in the household (actually, however, the execution should be self-evident and should not require praise).
- You alone have it overview about parent-related daily activities, such as daycare plans, doctor’s appointments, playdates, carpooling.
- You create To-do listsshopping lists and household chores lists.
- You take care of Birthday presents for children, friends and acquaintances.
- You plan appointmentsvacations and visits to family and friends.
- You don’t have the time for free time activitieswhile your partner has time to relax.
Are only women affected by mental load?
Each person can bear the psychological burden in a relationship – regardless of gender. Men who grew up in single-parent households or without traditional gender roles may experience greater strain in their relationships as adults. However, research shows that it is usually the Women are those who feel overwhelmed. A 2019 study of 35 heterosexual couples found that the women in the relationships tend to do more cognitive work. Same-sex couples On the other hand, they tend to do household chores more evenly to distribute. According to a 2015 report, they divide tasks depending on their preferences and work hours.
How you can explain the psychological stress to your counterpart
Before you start finding ways to share the psychological burden, it’s a good idea to talk about it. That’s easier said than done. To do this, choose a time when you undisturbed and without distraction are. Prepare your counterpart by letting him/her know that you want to talk about something important. You can find more here Tips at a glance:
- Use “I” messages
This means framing things in terms of your own feelings and experiences rather than blaming the other person. For example, instead of “You hurt me,” you could say, “I feel hurt when you…”. - Give specific examples of what mental stress looks like in your life
What are some of the mental tasks you are responsible for? Are you the one responsible for planning weekends or trips? Do you delegate the household chores? - Explain that you want to share not only the household chores but also the household chores
Essentially, it’s about your partner helping out with household and family tasks. You want him/her to take the initiative and not wait for you to ask him/her to do something. - Emphasize that it’s not just a matter of “worrying too much.”
When we talk about mental load, it quickly comes back from the other side that we shouldn’t worry so much. But that’s not the point. There are things around the house that just need to be done. If we constantly worry about these tasks, it’s because we know that these tasks won’t get done unless we actively ask for them or simply do them ourselves.
You might also be interested in: Improve couple communication
What to do about mental load?
The psychological stress may never completely go away – especially if you are a parent and have full responsibility for others. But there are tips that will help you cope better with psychological stress can.
- Talk about: Have a detailed conversation about it. And that doesn’t just mean a passing mention. Your counterpart should really understand what the psychological stress is and how it affects you. A dialogue is suitable for this.
- A new plan: Dividing up only the physical tasks such as cooking, cleaning and putting the children to bed doesn’t do much good. It is advisable to also incorporate mental tasks such as planning, delegating, scheduling, remembering and taking stock into your daily plan.
- Give up control: Oddly enough, women tend to do more housework when they live with a partner than when they live alone. According to the researchers in this study, this is because women feel pressured to perform “sexually” when living with a partner. This means that some of the psychological stress also requires a change on the part of the woman. You need to be able to trust your partner to do things diligently.
- Regular exchange: It takes time, lots of conversations, and even more adjustments to learn how to share the mental load. Be patient with one another. Communicate regularly to see how things are going, what’s working and what’s not, and how everyone involved is doing.
- Self-care: Taking some time for yourself is the best way to reduce stress and better manage your mental load. Try doing yoga, meditating, or pursuing another hobby that you enjoy. Get enough sleep and try to move your body daily. Even short walks have physical and mental benefits. Here you can find more tips: become more relaxed.
Conclusion
Carrying all the mental load in your household or relationships can take a heavy toll. That’s why it’s important to talk openly about where you need more support. An open, honest exchange can go a long way toward restoring balance. If nothing much changes after one or two conversations, a next step may be to seek couples therapy.
Sources used:
Allison Daminger: “The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor“, journals.sagepub.com, 2019
Kenneth Matos: “Modern Families: Same- and different-sex couples negotiating at home“, cdn.sanity.io, 2015
Amy S. Wharton: “The Sociology of Emotional Labor“, annualreviews.org, 2009