While the phrase "Do your best" sounds harmless, an anxiety psychologist explains why this phrase increases stress in children. The reasons and what to do instead, we tell you everything.
"Do your best”. A harmless little phrase that we find encouraging and relevant to say when our children are in difficulty. The thing we want is for our children to do what they can, to the best of their ability. Only, according to an expert, the effect produced on children by this sentence is the opposite to that expected.
Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) psychologist Dr. Kevin L. Gyoerkoe helps understand why this phrase causes more stress than motivation.
Why can't we tell our children to do their best
Dr Gyoerkoe explains that quite simply, the term is far too vague. What's the best limit? What do we expect from the best? The sentence is not precise, it leads to misunderstanding. “How do we know if we have done our best? There is no way to measure this goal or track our progress, which leaves us in a state of uncertainty.”, Explains the psychologist in an article for Positive Parenting Solutions.
Uncertainty is, in fact, a recurring cause of anxiety. When we don't know what to do, when we don't know what others expect of us, we automatically put pressure on ourselves. And that's not always beneficial. “If we are asked to do our best for a task, and we are not doing well, we are likely to blame ourselves and conclude that we are inadequate or incompetent in some way.", explains Doctor Gyoerkoe.
Although the sentence is benevolent, it can be misunderstood and lead the child to misunderstanding, doubt, and lead to a defeatist attitude. Instead of motivating his child, he is made to feel that if he does not do his best, of which he does not know the limits, it will be a failure.
What to say instead?
The goal is to completely abolish the feeling of uncertainty. It is necessary to establish, according to each child, the adequate strategy to motivate him. Rule number one and one that we cannot repeat enough: don't put pressure on the notes. All kids are different, and not all can be math cracks. It's like that. Good grades don't qualify smart people!
The psychologist has made a small list of things to do to help her child. We want to reduce anxiety, and increase self-confidence.
- Set clear and realistic goals : you have to understand your child and act according to him. We take note of the homework, we explain the instructions to him, and we help him by giving him little quizzes or mock tests. The challenge and the slightly more fun formats are generally appealing to children. You have to give it the right tools to succeed. If he answers a question wrong, no negative remarks, just gently explain his mistake to him.
- Value your efforts : a child needs to be encouraged. Without hollow praise, praise him for his efforts. If he can quote you a multiplication table backwards (too loud), say "Well done !". It may not be much for you, but sometimes it is huge for them. You have to put the spotlight on the efforts, even if he didn't get the best mark in the class. The main thing is that he understands his mistakes so as not to repeat them. Progress is made step by step.
- Give him time : There is no point in rushing a child, it will stress him even more. We must give him time to understand. We must also let him take breaks. Working for hours on end on a point that he has not understood will not be beneficial.
You have to be patient ! Asking your child to be the best and to "do your best" is doing him a disservice. The most important thing is that he understands and that he has confidence in himself.