On-off relationship
In this way you can consolidate or end the volatile love
© Tirachard Kumtanom / Shutterstock
An on-off relationship is exhausting. We’ll give you important tips on how to consolidate or break away from the relationship.
What is an on-off relationship?
In an on-off relationship, couples separate from each other and come back together after a short period of time. Ending a relationship can be a challenge for some people, which is why they keep getting in touch with their ex. If this person wants to enter into a relationship again, there is a rapprochement – and a short time later the relationship comes out again. This creates an on-off relationship in which nobody knows exactly what he is doing with his counterpart.
Triggers and causes of an on-off relationship
On-off relationships usually arise after we have fallen in love with a person, we have entered into a relationship and, after being in love, notice that the partner or partners: may not be the perfect match for us after all. A breakup occurs in which we notice that the person is much more important than we thought and dare to try again. This relationship resurgence happens several times. On-off relationships are usually triggered by the following six problems:
- Uncertainty: Special periods of life cause people to think intensively about their relationship situation. The end of a course of study or an apprenticeship, a move or a new job gives us a new look into the future. We quickly think of a break in the relationship, which often turns into an on-off relationship.
- Narcissism: Narcissistic people are considered to be very self-indulgent and self-centered. His partners: inside, narcissists push themselves into a dependency, because compliments, promises and their great love are part of the scam. As soon as narcissists notice that there is a dependency relationship even after a separation, these power games are continued. To the suffering of the other person, an on-off relationship often develops from this, because control over another person, even beyond a line, gives him or her pleasure.
- Fear of commitment: Fear of attachment is one of the most common triggers for an on-off relationship. People with fear of commitment cannot rely on a: n partner: to get involved and push their counterpart away again and again. The reason for this can lie in injuries, fear of loss and difficult attachment experiences in childhood.
- Relationship break: Relationship breaks are usually the starting signal for a breakup or the beginning of an on-off relationship. After a breakup, couples want to give each other another chance, after breaks in the relationship everything could also get better. But if problems are not talked about, but only dragged from break to break, the relationship may have no future.
- Problems with letting go: A partnership means devotion, openness and opening up the soul. It is clear that after a breakup we find it difficult to simply let our partners go. Social media in particular gives us the opportunity to learn something new from the life of ex-partners at any time. Therefore, after a separation, it is important to switch off external influences and to try to overcome the separation. Otherwise you will quickly find yourself in an on-off relationship in which a line was never drawn. Learning to let go can help.
- Toxic relationship: A toxic relationship is often similar to a relationship with a narcissist: inside. Extreme high and low phases dominate everyday life, in the meantime there are separations that are lifted by love bombing – extreme compliments, great tokens of love and a lot of attention. The low phase is characterized by quarrels and conflicts. There are always on-off phases.
What are the consequences of an on-off relationship?
The constant back and forth of an on-off relationship can potentially make you sick. The consequences can be:
- Constant stress
- Uncertainty about the future
- Depression and anxiety
- Unhealthy behaviors
- Decreased self-esteem and self-esteem
- Emotional chaos
- Few constants
Discover the on-off relationship in 3 steps
There is a 3 step plan you can use to stop the on-off relationship. To do this, you have to break the constant cycle of separation and reconciliation. Your counterpart is not ignored, but invited to a reconciling conversation:
1. Clarifying conversation
Sit down and talk about current problems:
- Why does an on-off relationship keep coming back?
- Do you see a solid future in the relationship?
- How are you doing in the different phases of the relationship?
- What are you striving for in the long run?
- What are your wishes
2. Make a decision
In the next step you make a decision. Do you want to save or end the relationship? If you can’t come to a decision together, you come first. Make a decision for yourself that makes you the highest priority.
3. Self care
No matter what the decision is made in the team or for yourself, never forget that you should always put yourself and your needs first. Do something good for yourself from now on. What do you enjoy? This can be a new hobby, learning meditation or long walks in the countryside.
Saving the on-off relationship: a fresh start
You want to find a way out of the on-off relationship, get back together, and strengthen your bond. It is worth taking the following three tips to heart:
- Clear communication: Honest communication is the key to breaking out of an on-off relationship. Share your fears and worries, be open and protect yourself from the next negative phase. You can discuss difficulties with each other so as not to get back into the vortex of back and forth in the first place.
- Build an emotional bond: Within the on-off relationship, an emotional bond was either not really built in the first place or it was severed through phases of separation. Tries to find each other again, to build closeness and to provide emotional stability. Talking about feelings, needs, and wants can help with this.
- Overcome fear of attachment: When a partner suffers from attachment anxiety, it cannot be passed over from one day to the next. Mostly it is based on a psychological trauma, which can best be treated with a therapist.
Ending the on-off relationship: final separation
If you come to the conclusion after a clarifying conversation with your partner that a breakup is the right decision, you can formulate rules that prevent you from getting in touch with your ex again. This is how you avoid getting caught up in the on-off relationship again:
- Cancel contact: In the first few weeks of the breakup, a radical break from contact is most important. It will be tempting to ask how the other person is doing. The cycle of the on-off relationship must be broken. An important and final decision is to delete the number. So you draw a line.
- Unfollow on social media: Social networks are just as dangerous. Here, too, cut the connection and keep a distance so as not to be tempted.
- Allow support: Breaking up is a difficult phase. Get help from friends when you need it. What do you need most at the moment? Do you want to be alone or do you heal better in company? Listen to yourself and allow help. Do things that make you happy now. You are the most important person in your life.
You might also be interested in these relationship topics: symbiotic relationship, soul love, and couple therapy
Sources used:psychologie-heute.de, rela- abc.de