There are many labels attached to caring parents: the helicopter was yesterday, now there are the curling, lawnmowering and snowplowing parents. The criticism of these parenting styles may be justified, but it falls short. What it takes instead.
Everyone has heard a lot about helicopter parents, but for some time now there has been a further development and a new label: curling parents. It is a metaphor for parents who remove all obstacles from their children’s path, just as curling players do.
In contrast to helicopter parents, they don’t just hover around their children in the background, they actively intervene in their lives to pave a smooth path into the future. For example, they do their children’s homework so that they do not suffer any disadvantages at school.
This principle of getting out of the way of danger is even increased by the so-called lawnmower parents and snowplow parents. These two categories each go even more extreme than the curling parents in order to pave the way for their offspring into the future.
Parents do everything wrong
The metaphors speak for themselves. Helicopter, lawn mower, snow plow? What the ****? It is understandable that the parents described in this way feel attacked. Aren’t they just trying to do their best like any other parent? In their own imperfect way?
The author and parenting expert Nora Imlau sums up this addiction to parenting labels in an Instagram video for the “Tagesspiegel”: “These are often smug descriptions that suggest that parents are always doing something wrong somehow. I see a generation of parents today who are making an incredible effort to treat their children with love and affection, to balance all their needs well – and are doing a really good job with it.”
Imlau is a mother of four and an advocate of needs-based parenting, which strives for a loving relationship with the child while seeking a balance of the needs of all family members.
“The cliché is that lawnmower parents mow over their children, helicopter parents constantly circle over their children and don’t let them go their own way, and curling parents wipe out every difficulty before the child could encounter it,” says Imlau . “These are all unhelpful attributions that ridicule parents’ legitimate efforts to find a balance between protecting and pushing.”says Imlau.
Dependent children
She thus mentions two important points. On the one hand, parents today make more effort than before to live a child-centered upbringing. On the other hand: Finding the new balance between commitment and autonomy is not that easy. The effort deserves recognition rather than scolding. Nevertheless, criticism can be justified.
“Helicopter parenting appears to be an extreme manifestation of broader changes in parents’ understanding of how they should best fulfill their roles“, it says in the study “Intensification of parenthood in Germany”. In recent decades, the change away from authoritarian-hierarchical family structures towards child-centered parenting behavior has been well documented.
This presents opportunities, but also risks. The danger of slipping into an overprotective, monitoring closeness is identified as a central challenge.
“If parental involvement is not aligned with children’s growing competencies and needs for autonomy, children’s independence and development of personal responsibility may suffer“, says the study. This can prevent children from making their own decisions and prevent them from developing personal responsibility and competence. “For example, there is evidence that children who are highly controlling in early childhood parenting, show less ability to self-regulate during preadolescence,” the study found.
Question your own parenting style
That’s why it can be important for parents to question themselves and their parenting style – possibly because of a bold label that has been placed on them. Whether helicopter, curling or snowplowing parents – everyone tries their best to be there for their children. If the balance is not ideal, such harsh metaphors can then serve the function of a “wave of a fence”. But critics also make it easy for themselves.
A constructive dialogue would be more helpful than the accusatory finger. Because phenomena like curling parents are also due to social expectations: “Many parents feel social pressure to conform to the ideal of self-sacrificing parents,” it says Appraise “Being a parent in Germany”. “This also makes it difficult to achieve the necessary balance between control and promoting the children’s autonomy.”
Missing role models – we learn from this
In other words: we can all still learn. Every parent who tries to be caring and supportive of their children deserves recognition. Or maybe not? Because most people have no role models for the kind of education they are trying to live today. And if the balance tips too far in the over-protective direction, you don’t need an accusatory pointer – but a helping hand. So incentives for development instead of scolding. Anyone who feels attacked is more likely to aggressively defend themselves than to self-reflect.