We met on a dating platform six years ago. Back then I was in my mid-30s, had been single for a long time and was mature for the long-awaited dream man. When he stood in front of me on our first date, it was immediately clear to me that he was! Everything felt right and familiar. During the date I wrote a text message to my girlfriend during a toilet break: "Everything is perfect, it couldn't go better, the only catch: he smokes."
Make compromises in the relationship
It was a catch that I successfully suppressed in the pink cotton wool in the beginning. We enjoyed the time, celebrated our infatuation and planned our first vacation. I was just happy! Since we didn't live together at first, I didn't really notice that he couldn't get through the day without his one and a half cigarette packs. On the dating platform, he had pretended to be a casual smoker. I've never liked smoking and found it uncool from the start to have it by my side with a cigarette in my hand, but I tried to sort of arrange myself. Don't you always have to compromise?
The first time that I really stopped was on our first ski vacation. I remember the scene very well: We climbed out of the gondola and trudged a few meters in ski boots to the summit to catch the beautiful Alpine panorama. The few meters in altitude made him completely out of breath and the first thing he did was light a cigarette. I was completely irritated and did not understand how to get the idea here in nature, during sports. But it slowly soaked up to me that it no longer had to do with occasional smoking, but with a real addiction.
I became pregnant after half a year. When I found out, I was almost bursting with happiness. It was an absolute dream child, we were both incredibly excited and were really looking forward to what would come now. I asked my friend to take this chance and stop until birth. A little baby with a smoking father, I couldn't imagine that. For me it was absolutely natural that something would change now. He reacted quite passively. He did not deny my wish, but never really commented on it. I left it like that because I didn't question that it couldn't be done at all. He probably already suspected that he would fail.
Secret smoking
Anyway: I was "quiet" for the time being. Nevertheless, the cigarette smoke bothered me more and more. Pregnancy made me more sensitive to odors and didn't even want to let him touch me. I gave him a cold shoulder when he smoked. Physicalities hardly took place anymore, but I knew no other way to help myself. The topic overshadowed our everyday life and took on a tremendous importance.
Still, I was pretty sure all the time that he would make my wish come true when our child was there. When, if not then? When he visited me in the hospital the morning after birth and smelled of nicotine, a world collapsed for me. The next few weeks were terrible. I was so in my emotion cocoon with this wonderful baby – the birth of my daughter was the greatest gift for me and this first time as a family seemed to me to be of immense value. I wanted to live this magic and was sad and angry that the man who loved me so much could not pull himself together. He was now beginning to smoke secretly. Disappeared from the apartment in the evening and came up with numerous excuses during the day to get out of the four walls. Suddenly the garbage was brought down all the time, every single letter was sent to the post office, the car was parked in the evening. I felt betrayed and cheated.
The worst thing for me was that right after smoking he hugged our little, pure baby. I totally got into this topic, I didn't want my baby to grow up with this smell. I begged him to finally stop. At first he tried to calm me down and assured me that he really was going to do it, it just had to be the right moment, no stress at work etc. But gradually he reacted more annoyed, closed completely and was no longer relevant to the topic . Our communication was reduced to a minimum, constructive discussions were no longer possible. I was willing to make sacrifices to change – I would have been ready for many things. I felt so powerless.
Addiction harms the relationship
At some point I realized that if I can't change it, I have to start with myself. I did hypnosis sessions against my cigarette aversion. Unfortunately unsuccessful. I decided to be loving to him again, not to punish him with emotional cold. But it was really hard for me. I was too disappointed with his passivity and found him weak, not masculine enough. I wanted a maker, a tackler, and not an addict who couldn't do without an hour of nicotine. I started to lose respect for him.
Still, I didn't give up and kept fighting. I put money under his pillow for an anti-smoking hypnosis, randomly packed Alan Carr's book "Finally Non Smoking" into his suitcase, I got him an e-cigarette, I promised him a great trip if he could do it, I hid his cigarette box or broke the glow sticks. I wasn't short of ideas. In the end it was a fight against windmills, because it was always only MY wish, never HIS. My urge only provoked defiance and reluctance. I was disappointed with him, he was disappointed with me: we were caught in this spiral. When he came home from work, I was really afraid of the encounter, because I knew if I smelled the tobacco, a flap would drop inside. I hated myself for it, but I just found him repugnant.
He didn't smoke in front of the child and not in front of me either, but he was never there for that. I always felt alone when we were out together. He could only relax when he "turned the corner", and I when I was away from the whole smoking issue. We started doing things together rather than together. Everyone annoyed by the other.
The smoking theme had destroyed our base
And yet I didn't give up my dream of a family. I wanted my daughter not to be an only child. I wish so much that we could still get the curve. When he came home shortly before Christmas after a long business trip, he again promised to quit smoking. He seemed really serious this time. We actually got closer again in the next few weeks, became gentler with each other. And I got pregnant again.
Unfortunately, our second child made the problem even worse. Everything went on as before, no worse, because the smoking issue had destroyed our base so much that we were no longer able to solve other conflicts. We started couple therapy, but even that couldn't save us. I was thinking more and more about separation.
It was a long process, mostly because of the children. We are also both freelancers and it is not easy to find two affordable apartments. We lived more or less side by side for over a year and a half, everyone did their thing, we worked for the children. But he moved out some time ago. This spatial separation will show how we will continue. I don't give up the tiny hope that one day he will be able to quit smoking on his own.
"How important am I to the other person?"
Couple therapist Oskar Holzberg on the dispute over cigarettes
Can you really ask a partner you met as a smoker to quit?
You can always. Things change, we change. And just when a child comes into play, you can say: it bothers me, but it is really stupid for the child.
Isn't it also a symptom of a deeper crisis if smoking becomes such an issue?
Yes. The real drama can be: there is something more important to you than I am. You are loyal and connected to the cigarettes, but my needs are less important to you. This feeling often occurs when the security in the relationship has already been broken. The conflict brings yet another dynamic: you make it clear to the other how much it bothers you, falls on deaf ears and has the feeling that you are not being taken seriously.
But smoking is an addiction. It is not that easy to stop.
That's true. And if the partner smokes secretly, as in this case, it is in a way worthy of recognition, because in doing so he responds to them a bit. On the other hand, it also means that there is no openness in the relationship.
What could help both of them?
The question that both of them would have to talk about beyond cigarettes would be: "What is emotionally difficult with you for me?"
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