partnership
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship is detrimental to mental health over time.
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When is love between two people toxic? Psychologist Christian Hemschemeier explains the signs in an interview.
Love is not always predominantly characterized by positive feelings and affection. If instead there is a frequent alternation of highs and low falls, it can be a toxic relationship. Psychologist Christian Hemschemeier, author of “The New Dimension of Love” (arkana), explains in an interview with the news agency spot on news when one can speak of a toxic partnership and what consequences it has for those involved.
What is a toxic relationship anyway?
Christian Hemschemeier: The term is already somewhat blurred today. By that I mean relationships where there is a selfish or otherwise wallowing partner and a dependent, allowing partner. The dependent partner then develops the so-called love addiction, a condition in which one only suffers and can no longer sleep, eat or work properly. However, not every unhappy or imbalanced relationship is automatically toxic.
Where did the term “toxic” come from?
Hemschemeier: The term originally comes from an American specialist journal from 1972. It describes a relationship between two partners who only stay together to escape their own loneliness. The toxic relationship is the lesser evil in this case. In America, the term “toxic” has been in use ever since. He describes these drug-like, unhealthy relationships.
At what point can one speak of a toxic relationship?
Hemschemeier: In relationships that really deserve the name, there is a “lovebombing phase” first. In this one you float on cloud nine and believe with every fiber of your body that you have found the right person. Typically, after about three months, there is a burglary (cheating, crossing borders, lies are exposed). From then on, the relationship oscillates between shorter and shorter “highs” and more and more “lows”.
However, almost all those affected also report that there were inconsistencies right from the start. Obsessive thinking is often the first symptom. So relationships are toxic when they are accompanied by a lot of imbalances and manipulations – consciously or unconsciously – and you still stay in them, even though it damages you massively. Again, you can see the parallels to addictions.
Are toxic relationships becoming more common?
Hemschemeier: No, I don’t think so. The public focus is just more often on such relationships and society today allows much more freedom. This raises certain questions in the first place. In addition, we date many more different people today than we used to.
What happens to the psyche of the people involved in a toxic relationship?
Hemschemeier: Participating in a toxic relationship is ultimately not a satisfying experience for either of them. In most relationships, however, it is primarily the dependent partner who suffers. This leads to an increasing loss of self-esteem and control, which can lead to a variety of symptoms: fears, substance use, upsets, physical symptoms and much more.
Can a toxic relationship be treated therapeutically?
Hemschemeier: If that means couples therapy: Usually no. One of the partners is usually not interested at all or even tries to manipulate the couple therapist. Individually you can of course work on self-love, standards and your insecure attachment pattern. Most of the time, however, one tries to “save” the other, but that doesn’t help at all. You can only work on yourself in the long term if you leave a toxic relationship and don’t resume it.