Paula Lambert and Barbara: “There is too often wrong sex”

Barbara: Paula, you are here today for two reasons.

Paula: Namely?

On the one hand, because you’re incredibly nice and no less funny. And on the other hand, because our topic is sex – and you are considered Germany’s most well-known expert in this field.

It’s an interesting thing with the external perception. Professionally, I don’t do that much with sex anymore.

Rather?

I have a podcast that deals with relationships and partnership. I call it the “podcast of failure”.

i see the point Relationships don’t really have much to do with sex.

At least not at the point where people come to me anymore.

But I also imagine that you are like a dermatologist. He can be at a party in his free time, but at some point someone will always come and ask if the spot on his thigh is malignant.

And you mean…

… that you’re probably constantly being asked why things aren’t going well with people in bed.

Well, it’s your own fault, I’m also asking for that on social media. But most of the time it’s about why relationships aren’t working or why someone has trouble getting to know someone at all. Sex is part of what happens between two people, but it is only a fraction of what defines us alone and as a couple.

That’s probably what everyone over 50 says to themselves.

And are right about that.

But wait a minute, if sex is really just a fraction of who we are, why is its absence felt so dramatic?

When you want to eat a cake and the best part is missing, it’s a spoiled experience.

A cake is the same in all places.

Exactly not. There are corners with more cream and less fruit. And where the ground might not be that thick. By the way, that would be my thing.

I definitely want the cream. Without bottom if necessary.

Let’s just leave it with the cake. Sexuality is always about status and self-perception. A vital sex life also means: I’m young, I’m fresh, I’m wanted. And the lack of sex reverses the emotional melee – I’m rejected, I’m not loved, I’m not desirable in the slightest.

And that does a lot to people. Understand.

This is what I mean by the cake thing: Sex is a small part of us with a huge impact.

And what interests you about sex?

What I’m no longer interested in: who puts what where. That’s no longer exciting for me. But very much the female orgasm ability. This is a topic that really shakes me.

Do you have current numbers?

Yes. 62 percent of all women permanently fail to cum during penetration.

I thought it would be more.

I also find it much worse that 80 percent of these women don’t say a word about it. Four out of five women accept this in silence instead of saying to their partner: You, it doesn’t work that way, it doesn’t work for me.

Crazy. I can’t believe it. In our enlightened society where you are confronted with sex on every corner? Where you have the feeling that every imaginable topic is being pounded into your ears to the point of vomiting?

But think about it: Even your own sexuality? It’s still shameful, and a great many women would rather rot than admit to themselves and their partner that sex is something that needs to be talked about. And then there is one other thing.

I am excited.

How do women actually see their own sexuality, what is it for them? In our generation and beyond, there are many women for whom sex is a means to an end. So: something to get a man and keep him. They moan when they fuck to make the man feel strong, that’s what counts for a good rating. Great in bed, the woman, five stars on Yelp, hooray!

It sounds like you’re at odds with us women.

I struggle with the images we have of each other. With the expectations we have of each other. And yes: also with what women want from men.

Okay, in your opinion: how do we women see men?

On the one hand, they have to be sensitive and take care of the children lovingly, but at the same time they have to be tough full-service providers, have a career and be real guys, and that also means that men are expected to dominate in bed. But that excludes sexuality from experiencing equality.

You have to explain that.

Men should never be dissatisfied. You must not want to be dominated. Conversely, this means: We must not dominate.

But is that true? Aren’t we allowed?

In my experience, submissive men are quite despised in the wild. Personally, I prefer to be dominated, but there are women and men who are different. But as long as we remain in the rigid images, it is clear that there is a certain speechlessness in bed. I don’t know how you feel about it.

I think you have to have an overview of everything.

I am not surprised.

But I also have certain requirements. So, to be with a man who doesn’t cum during sex…would be unimaginable to me.

You see. Men have to come, while women have it as a bonus. Far too many women still have sex for the guy to have fun.

But you mean every woman could have an orgasm?

Clear. You just have to screw around a bit more. The ability to have an orgasm can be practiced.

But you have. I mean, anyone who gets into sexuality at 16, 17, 18 has already been tinkering with themselves for a few years.

Yes, women who are free inside have done that. But you have no idea how many find masturbation stupid. Which therefore have no idea how they are built. What actually happens in the body when they touch here or there. And of course they can’t say to their husbands either: touch me either way, I like that.

What a pity!

However. After all, the female sex organ has about 8000 nerve endings. And the penis…

Two?

Well, maybe four. We are much better equipped than men. And to wrap up the orgasm story…

Yes! Please, please finish the orgasm story now!

… haha. In any case: Too often wrong sex is being had. The vagina has no friction receptors, so a blunt in-out doesn’t do much good. Contact, contact, contact is the order of the day, it’s more like squeezing oranges.

I think men have also learned a lot and implement it in a much more differentiated way than before.

With you maybe. Because you radiate something else. Because you know yourself, because you know your positions. And you probably instinctively look for men who can serve it.

How about you? Do you have a specific guy?

well Oddly enough, almost all of my men are exactly 1.93 meters tall.

OK. Then I know one or the other. But you know, I’ve always appreciated diversity.

How do you mean?

Well, everyone is good for something different. I have always been served and allowed to be served. The weirdest guys were there, but they had special skills. I was quite broad on this topic, I’m just realizing.

Now that you mention it: I once had a friend who was about 1.65 meters tall, against my example. It only lasted two months, but then I realized: little men are like little dogs, they always want to prove something. That turned out to be, let’s say, sexually very favorable for me.

But let’s face it: size doesn’t matter anyway. It takes the right combination of intelligence and emotion to have really great sex, whatever that is.

I can tell you. Really great sex is feeling like you don’t want to be with anyone else in the world at that moment.

And when you talk to each other.

And laughs. Sex is a serious matter for many, it needs to be laughed at more.

I actually rarely laughed. Sex has always been something natural and uninhibited for me.

Clear. Weal and woe always depends on the inner attitude. And if you always fail at the same points in life, there is a task that you have not yet understood.

How about you? Did it take you long to get where you are now?

Yes. I had a father who was completely overwhelmed and who would have been better off never becoming a mother. And I didn’t understand for a long time that all the unhappiness that had accumulated in my life, in my relationships, was based solely on my inner belief that I was unlovable and didn’t deserve a good relationship. I built everything on it.

But wait a minute, if you don’t believe you deserve a good relationship, how do you have one?

With a constant malaise. With the very true feeling: Something is wrong here. Interestingly enough, I even had a ten-year marriage in this way with a person who was not right for me – and vice versa. But through this marriage I finally understood that my whole approach to myself was wrong.

But that’s the greatest message: Even with the greatest initial difficulties, I can eventually become the person I want to be.

And you can learn from my example not to be afraid of crises. Because crises are the stages before which you learn something. that you can climb.

And you did it.

The hard way. When I met my current husband, he said: We’ll do it, but with couple therapy.

Did you start the relationship with couples therapy?

Yes. We were both like two drowning men clinging to each other. Without this start we would have perished.

Great way to get close in a relationship. Normally you get farther and farther away over time. Are you actually a supporter of monogamy?

nope It sometimes happens that you are actually interested in someone else. I’m sure you too.

Let’s put it this way: I’m not there yet. But I think it’s great not knowing each other’s secrets in a relationship. In any case, I don’t think that the quality of a relationship at the end of life can only be read from the sentence: We’ve always been true to each other. I am curious what sentence I will say at the end of my life.

Not taking fidelity as dogma is a healthy attitude because it is realistic. But it hasn’t happened to me in eleven years that I’ve wanted to meet someone other than my husband, which doesn’t necessarily correspond to my nature. But it’s true: the question “Where have you been?” is completely irrelevant. The right question in a relationship is always, “How are you?”

PAULA LAMBERT, born in Munich in 1974, is actually called Susanne Frömel, and by the way actually: After graduating from high school, she actually studied music in Los Angeles, but then trained as a journalist in Berlin. Since 2005 she has been a columnist on sex and love as Paula Lambert, first in writing, then on television (“In bed with Paula”, “Paula is coming!”) and now also via podcast. Paula is married for the second time, has two sons and lives in Berlin.

STEPHAN BARTELS listened to this conversation, wrote it down and then thought hard about fidelity and squeezing oranges.

barbara