Maria has lived through an unimaginable tragedy. The loss of her baby just before birth. Courageously, she brings her testimony so that the subject is no longer taboo and that the parents concerned by this tragedy feel less alone and dare to speak about it.
A serene start to pregnancy
January 19, 2016, thanks to a pregnancy test, I find out that I am pregnant. After confirmation by a blood test, here I am filled and happy. In 9 months my family will grow even bigger since we already have a 5 year old girl who makes us happy.
The months go by, we learn that this new baby will be a boy. The weeks go by, I begin my 6th month. We say to each other then "The 6 months have passed, even if the baby has to arrive sooner, it will be very premature, other than that there is nothing to fear". We are relieved.
We search for the first name, together with our little princess, and we decide to name the baby Lucca. In the 7th month of pregnancy, the birth list is ready. The ultrasounds are excellent and I only gained 7 kilos. I don't have any nausea anymore, I'm just a little tired because Lucca is moving a lot but otherwise everything is fine and we are reaching 32 weeks.
August 14, 2016, I don't feel my baby moving much so I decide to go to the clinic to do a little monitoring. Baby is doing wonderfully. Phew, what a relief!
Aug 18, 2016, I'm feeling muddy, can't wait for tomorrow, it's gonna be my ultrasound. I can't wait to see my baby, to know how many inches and how much weight he has gained, but I am feeling very tired and starting to get nervous because it is 2 p.m. and I can't feel him moving. I'm trying to tell myself it's still a mother-to-be anxiety. I look on the internet and try all the things on offer to stimulate him: drink cold water, get on my side, touch my stomach, despite that nothing happens. I then decide to talk to my partner who tells me not to worry … but to no avail.
My baby's heart has stopped
2 pm I decide to contact the secretariat of the gynecology service, I am offered to drop by, we decide to drop my daughter off with her great-grandmother.
Thursday, August 18, 2016, it is 3 p.m. and I am told horrific news, the worst ordeal life can inflict on me: the death of my baby in utero.
On the ultrasound, it turned out that my baby's heart had stopped. From there, it's a flood of tears, incomprehension, no not that not my baby ! Everything I have planned for him, for us, all ends. Barely heard the "I am sorry" that we immediately go to "We must give birth" but not anyhow … it's a nightmare lord it's a nightmare.
I come out of the room in tears to warn my mom, my family. How am I going to do without you my baby? How am I going to accept this death, I carry death.
After being hospitalized the same evening in the clinic, the next day I had to go to the hospital because the clinic did not deliver at 32 weeks of pregnancy and especially not in this case.
I am no longer me, fears, thousands of questions come over me. How do I explain this sort of thing to my 5 year old daughter? What am I going to suffer? Will I have to give birth vaginally?
Deliver my baby born lifeless
Everything then follows. The next morning I find myself at the Bastia hospital center. There, I am taken care of and I am told that I will have to give birth vaginally because I had a caesarean 5 years ago and that we are not going to have a caesarean again and certainly not to give birth to me. 'a stillborn baby … I cry, I cry. I am also told that there is a protocol to follow, that I will be discharged from the hospital today and that I will be hospitalized on Sunday to give birth on Monday.
5 days… I have to wait. There are 5 days between the announcement of death and childbirth …
"5 days to tell myself I am carrying my deceased child at 8 months of pregnancy."
The next two days of waiting were very tiring and trying. I had very painful contractions from the medicine I was prescribed to promote labor. It was the first time for me. I didn't know what contractions were, since for my first child, I had had an epidural, a detachment and a trigger … but no contractions.
Sunday August 21, 2016
It's 10 a.m. I am heading to the hospital center because I am in pain and I am losing blood. I'm afraid. They decide to keep me, put me in the room and give me a sedative. The room is for the maternity ward but a bit away from the others, so that I avoid hearing the cries of the other babies.
At 5:00 p.m. I go to the delivery room to take stock. My cervix does not dilate, they decide to place a balloon on me. I go back to my room on morphine, I will ring every 4 hours for painkillers.
The night never ends. I am in pain to death. The balloon does not work despite being placed for 12 hours in the cervix. And, it was only two fingers dilated that they decided in the middle of the night to remove it from me. Two hours later my water bag cracked.
Monday, August 22, 2016, it is 8 a.m. It's the big day! It was a very long day and really very difficult the anxiety was taking over, I wondered if I would be able to deliver this baby.
5:30 p.m., after growing as best I could I gave birth to you, Lucca, my son weighing 100 pounds born lifeless.
– Thanks to Korrig 'Anne for her wonderful illustration –
The hardest thing to accept is mourning your baby …Instead of doing like everyone else and contacting the family to announce their arrival, we contacted the funeral directors.
An association to pay tribute and help other paranges
Today it's been 8 months and I am caught between sadness, incomprehension and dismay. In Corsica until January no association existed to pay tribute to deceased babies. With the help of my husband, my family and a few friends we have created our association called "association a nostre stellucce". The purpose of this association is to pay tribute to our missing babies, to help parents by discussing and exchanging on the subject.
At Bastia hospital, there are 20 dead babies per year, that's a lot. Since the creation of the association, in partnership with the Bastia hospital center, we have set up souvenir boxes in which there are memories of this baby as in the Nice hospital (cards in memory of this day, prints, photos, bracelets, symbol that I realize representing perinatal mourning).
I find this subject very taboo since people do not understand why we are crying for this little being, because for them it is abstract, they did not know him. It’s hard to make people understand that this baby, we loved him, he existed for these few months, he is declared on the family record book, he had a funeral. Many people do not accept our grief, they tell us "If it happened it had to be like this " "You are young you will do another one" No ! we do not admit it and I will never accept such comments.
In the name of all paranges, don't try to find the right words, because there aren't any. The lack is inconsolable, the mourning difficult to do. Thank you for helping us by listening to us.
Maria, president of theassociation with nostre stellucce
– Perinatal mourning, we were happiness embodied, we became drama personified
– My children's sister is not on earth, she shines in the sky