psychology
3 conversation habits that unconsciously make you seem unsympathetic
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Small interruptions are part of conversations. We’ll explain to you when it becomes too much of a good thing and what other behaviors you can pay attention to.
These 3 habits make you seem unsympathetic in conversations
1. Always go the extra mile
A friend talks about how hard it is at her job right now and that she has to work a lot of overtime because of it. The statement that no one wants to hear in this case immediately comes: “Oh, that’s nothing at all. I had to work the last three weekends. What’s the point of a few overtime hours?” The fact that person B often had Mondays and Tuesdays off to compensate is not mentioned. The main thing with him is that the situation sounds harder to her than to the other person. This type of behavior makes the first friend feel like she is not being taken seriously or heard in her concerns. The answer gives her the impression that her feelings are unjustified – and the connection between the two people suffers as a result.
These examples also exist the other way around. When a good friend tells you about a great experience, he or she doesn’t want to be outdone in return. We shouldn’t minimize other people’s experiences by making them feel like our lives are more impressive, intense, or positive than theirs. An exchange between friends is not a competition. Of course, contributing your own things is part of it. But what is the motivation behind it? Is it to impress, brag, or prove something? Then the person is looking for admiration and not a connection. So rule number one is: Listen first and accept what you have experienced instead of devaluing it or countering it with your own experiences.
2. Always know everything better
A few friends are sitting together, there are various dips, chopped vegetables and chips. It’s about the guacamole. One person asks: “How did you make this? It’s really delicious!” After the explanation, a friend comes without asking: “It’s delicious, but it gets even better if you mix in a little coriander. Then it’s a real guacamole.” This good friend just ruined the positive feeling from the person you asked. Because it remains in the room: It’s good, but not good enough.
It gets even worse when a person then has to insist that they are definitely right about this statement. “A guacamole is only complete with coriander, a friend from South America taught me that,” for example. This seems arrogant and downplays the competence of others. It is important that everyone realizes that it was never about a debate, but about a nice chat. You can tell such friends that their opinion is all well and good, but just their opinion – and not the ultimatum for all the guacamole in the world.
3. Always see everything positively
It is sometimes appropriate to point out the positive aspects of a situation and thus bring a person out of a negative attitude. But there are also unfortunate moments in which being too positive comes across in the wrong way to the other person. We should recognize the challenge that the other person is currently facing. It can be harder for him:her than it seems to us as outsiders. Which is why we don’t want to hear “Oh, there are so many fish in the sea” after a breakup when we’re mentally weak and still recovering from the strain.
The person also knows that life goes on and the pain will eventually become easier to bear. Listening usually helps her more than positive affirmations or advice that she doesn’t need in the situation and that she didn’t ask for. When a person talks about a difficult time, sometimes they just want to be heard. It can help to clarify this up front with: “Do you want my advice or maybe you just want to let it out? I’m here if you need me.”
Nobody is perfect
It can be difficult to become aware of your own patterns. Maybe some situations happen without you noticing. But you can pay attention to this in future conversations. One thing is clear: Some things are of course well-intentioned or you really want to say something about them because you recently experienced something similar. Maybe you’re really stressed yourself and feel the need to talk about your own stress after a friend describes their situation – sometimes it just comes out of us. It is important that you become aware of such things when they can hurt others. Did you continue talking to the person in question on an equal level or did you outdo them or invalidate their statement – thus muting them for the rest of the evening. Reflection during and after conversations can help you work on these things.
Sources used: Psychology Today, PsychCentral, The Psychology Group