psychology
Five habits that obscure our view of relationships
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In arguments, we often fall into familiar patterns and sometimes we only see ourselves and not the other person. We’ll reveal what’s behind it and how you can solve the problem.
Do you quickly become defensive in an argument and turn away? Or do you give up and let your emotions run wild? Many people find it difficult to keep a clear head in an argument and to perceive not only their own wishes and needs, but also those of others. Five factors play a particularly important role.
Five habits that obscure our view of things
Psychotherapist David Richo explains in his book “How to be an adult in relationships” why we often behave the way we do in relationships. According to Richo, the following five things often stand in our way when talking to partners and prevent us from taking a neutral and fair view.
Fear or worry
The people we love are particularly important to us. It’s understandable that we want to protect them and keep them safe. But this habit can cause the relationship to suffer. Because with our fear we imply that we do not trust the abilities of the other person or the strength of the partnership. Most of the time it’s our own worries and fears – and we shouldn’t project them onto others. Instead, it makes more sense to take the perspective of the other person and trust in their abilities.
Own needs
In relationships we want to have our needs met. Sometimes we overlook the needs of our loved ones that we leave unfulfilled. This can happen when we want something from the other person. We then no longer take the perspective of others into account and put our wishes first. This is how he feels: she, in turn, feels unnoticed. It is important that partners have the opportunity to communicate needs and thus be seen and heard.
Positive or negative judgments
We all form opinions about other people. Maybe we think of one person that they can do anything – and we see another as a hopeless case. According to David Richo, judgments can be expressed, for example, in admiration, criticism or accusation. For example, if we are convinced that our friend can do anything, but she is currently stressed and cannot understand our feeling, she may not feel understood. Here too, it is important to perceive the perspective of our loved ones.
The desire for control
An extreme case of ego is transferring the desire for control onto others. An example: A wants B to come along more often to A’s friends’ birthdays. But B is an introvert and feels uncomfortable in larger groups. A now tries to change B or gives reasons why these birthdays could be good for him:her – he:she overlooks B’s feelings, which can put a strain on the relationship.
Illusion instead of reality
Sometimes we apply our own perspective to a relationship. And as a result we no longer see what is real. For example, a friend needs attention, and because he doesn’t get it, he thinks something is wrong. The other person is just stressed and doesn’t want to burden the friend in question. While the friend thinks that the friendship is in trouble and he is no longer important, the second person is just waiting for a better moment to reconnect. Our own mental images of a relationship can deceive us. It is all the more important to address such assumptions and see whether they are true.
The five mindsets are not all bad
It is not possible to completely free ourselves from such behavior, writes David Richo. But in his book he explains how we can redirect them. “Fear can be used for wise caution. Needs make it possible to reach others. Judgments involve intelligent evaluation. Control is necessary in most daily activities. Imagination is the stepping stone to imagination and creativity,” writes the psychotherapist. We can learn to notice our desires, thoughts and needs and see how they affect us. So that we don’t use them against others and divide us, but rather grow through them.
Source used: “How to be an adult in relationships” – David Richo, 2021