Many of our behaviors and characteristics are shaped at least to some extent in our childhood – including our way of loving, as numerous experts believe. You can read here which love styles are different and which early childhood experiences are behind them.
How we show and communicate love, how we prioritize it in our lives, even how we feel love is, if not entirely individual, then at least very different and diverse. For example, we know the 5 languages of love, relationship roles such as closeness versus distance, dominance versus subordination, which should ideally complement each other in a partnership so that they balance each other out, and numerous other theories that can help us and to understand our partners a little better.
The two marriage therapists Milan and Kay Yerkovich have developed another exciting model. They differentiate between five love styles, which they each attribute to a high degree to certain early childhood influences. These five love styles are:
- The: The Pleaser
- The Victim
- The: the control addict (“The Controller”)
- Der:die Undecided (“The Vacillator”)
- Der:die Avoider (“The Avoider”)
Let’s take a look at what is meant by the respective love style and what childhood experiences the Yerkovichs trace back to in detail.
5 love styles and how they are shaped in our childhood
1. The Pleaser
During their childhood, pleasers typically dealt with extremely critical but also overly protective parents. As children, they always tried to be good and “good”, to do everything right and not to be a burden to their family.
Traits that may remain from this constellation in adulthood include excessive fear of conflict, inability to say no, or stand up for one’s own opinions and needs. In addition, Pleasers are generally very attentive to others, can read their fellow human beings extremely well and have a keen sense of their moods and feelings. And it is precisely these skills that they use to meet the needs of others – primarily their partner.
On the other hand, if pleasers have the feeling that they are disappointing their loved ones or that they are not “good” enough, they may simply run away. In order to have healthy and stable relationships, it would be good for Pleasers to learn to take their own feelings seriously and share them with their partner, rather than always doing what is expected of them.
2. The Victim
The Yerkovich couple associates the victim with people who grew up in a particularly chaotic home and were sometimes at the mercy of aggressive or even violent parents. As children, they learned to behave as inconspicuously as possible and, if necessary, to withdraw into their dreams and imaginations.
Victims typically have low self-esteem even in adulthood, and some live with anxiety or depression. Paradoxically, according to the Yerkovichs, they often feel attracted to dominant personalities because they remind them of their parents – keyword “people always prefer the familiar to the strange, even when it involves pain”.
Victims are very passive in relationships and just let things happen. If things go very well for a long time, they develop fears because they are always afraid that things will soon go wrong again. In order to be able to lead a healthy and stable relationship, the expert couple advises the victim to learn to love themselves and to stand up for themselves instead of putting up with everything.
3. The controller
As children, controllers mostly felt neglected and hardly protected. They had to learn early on to take care of themselves and to be independent and tough.
Controllers try to avoid feelings such as fear, insecurity and helplessness at all costs, even in adulthood, because they believe this is the only way they can remain in control. Controllers typically do not associate anger with vulnerability, but see it as a way of making them feel stronger. Controllers are extremely reluctant to leave their comfort zone because they then feel exposed and unprotected. And they prefer to solve problems alone and in their own way.
According to the Yerkovichs, controllers behave in a very dominant and patronizing manner in relationships, and they may also try to control their partner. In order to be able to have a healthy partnership, it would be advisable for controllers to learn to trust, let go and manage their own anger.
4. The Vacillator
For Vacillator, their own parents were primarily unpredictable. Basically, as children, Vacillator never had the feeling that they were important or even a priority for their parents, on the contrary, they lived with the constant fear of being abandoned by them.
Vacillators typically develop a strong longing for love, and they want stability and reliability from a relationship. As adults, they tend to idealize love and partnership. That is why they get doubts and fears with the smallest conflicts and difficulties. In addition, vacillators usually have severe inner struggles and experience a lot of emotional stress, as they are very sensitive and tend to attach great importance to small things.
In order to have stable, healthy partnerships, this love type would do well to learn how to remain calm and give a relationship time to develop naturally. It would be better for them to really get to know a person first and keep their expectations in check than to commit too quickly and end up being disappointed with a high probability.
5. The Avoider
As children, Avoiders were taught by their parents that feelings make us weak and that we should always strive for independence. They learn early on to be independent and to put their emotions and needs aside.
As adults, Avoiders tend to keep others at a distance, relying more on logic and rational arguments than on gut feeling. There is nothing more uncomfortable for them than the mood swings of those around them.
In order to be able to have a healthy and stable relationship, the therapist couple recommends that the avoider type learn to let others get close to them and to deal openly and honestly with their own feelings.
annotation: Of course, any model that divides people into five types is an oversimplification and generalization. Direct conclusions from personality traits about childhood and upbringing – or vice versa – should generally be viewed with caution, since people can react very differently to external circumstances and conditions. Still, models like the Yerkovichs’ can help us understand ourselves and our behavior better, at least in part, and alert us to patterns that might be worth breaking in order to live happier and freer lives.
Sources used: howwelove.com, elephantjournal.com