How often do we toil at things that annoy us. Try to stay calm, breathe away, and understand. Big mistake: When we get angry, it carries an important message. Let’s make something out of it!
What do activist Greta Thunberg, sea rescuer Carola Rackete and actress and #MeToo initiator Alyssa Milano have in common? As different as their concerns are – fighting climate change, inhuman migration policies or toxic masculinity – their fuel is the same. Three angry citizens in the best sense of the word who have become role models. But is anger really good? “Sure, it can also be destructive, violent and hurtful, but that is only one of its sides, namely the dark side. When I feel it, it first contains information: Something is wrong for me here. And this life energy invites me to to stand up for my needs “, says Friederike von Aderkas, pedagogue and systemic coach, who also gives seminars on the topic.
Your current book is a salvation of honor for those emotions that we often suppress, split off, that are uncanny to us. With serious consequences, says von Aderkas: She is convinced that physical symptoms such as tension, headaches and autoimmune diseases, as well as depression, are often related to suppressed anger. “It gives us a direction. If instead I move through life with the handbrake on, I become subdued and lethargic.” But how do you release this handbrake? Five situations, five tips from expert Friederike von Aderkas.
In the job
What happens most of the time: Almost every team has one who pulls the coals out of the fire for everyone. Perhaps because, as childless, she supposedly has fewer private tasks, or because she is considered to be particularly efficient. Is that you yourself? Then you know how it feels. You clench your fist in your pocket and don’t fight back, after all, you still need the job. Perhaps you also enjoy the role of a “responsible victim” (“Someone has to do it!”) Or as a silent heroine. In the worst case, to burn-out.
Which would be better: Next time, take a stand and set yourself apart. For example: “I see your need, but it’s getting too much for me right now. Let’s bring that into the next team meeting, I’ll be happy to support you.” That is based on solidarity and gives the pressure back to where it originates – upwards. But please do not march ahead full of action (“I’ll write a mail to the boss!”), Because the permanent rescuer role is not good either.
In everyday life
The new printer is ready, has paper, the correct driver and is connected to the WLAN. He flashes friendly. What he doesn’t do: print. And that although we urgently need a paper document.
What we often do: When technology thwarts our plans, it makes us helpless – and angry. Typical reactions: complain (loudly or quietly), whine (until someone becomes aware, the daughter, the partner), aggressive self-questioning: Who is crazy, the new printer / vacuum cleaner / the Internet or me? In the case of more robust devices, too: hit it. Rarely brings a solution, of course.
What we should rather do: Ask us where the anger comes from (do I doubt myself and my abilities?). And against whom it is directed: the manufacturer, the saleswoman in the electronics store, myself? Understand what’s upset, think about who can help us, our neighbor, customer service, the manual, and take action so anger moves us forward without breaking anything.
In love
“Don’t we want to go to this new photo art exhibition on Sunday?” She asked, and he somehow grumbled in agreement. On Sunday she watched in disbelief as he got his racing bike out of the garage. Of course not to go to the exhibition …
Plan A, unfortunately typical: Because we are particularly vulnerable in love, we often do not speak in first-person messages, but rather in a claused “we”. A behavior that we often practiced as children in order to avoid conflicts with the parents. If the message doesn’t get through the way we’d like it to, we often nag or pout at the other person without cause (“What is wrong with me? No, why?”)
Plan B, unfortunately rare: Clear communication clears the channel between those involved – provided that it is really a suggestion and not a demand (which should actually be: “I want to go to the museum, and don’t worry, you say no!”). Anyone who takes responsibility for what he or she wants in the partnership, whether on a Sunday excursion, in life planning or in bed, puts the cards on the table and prepares the way: to unity, to a compromise or to separate ways here and there there. It can hurt, but it’s honest.
In friendships
When you see your friend’s number on the display, there’s almost always a fire on the roof. Relationship problems, the difficult mother, the stupid job … Gradually you feel like “Alexa”, all flesh and blood: No matter what you say or how you feel, your girlfriend is talking, you are listening and trying to help. Annoying.
Next time, probably: Maybe at some point you will get loud (“Do you actually notice that I am just your soul garbage dump?”). Perhaps you enjoy playing the role of the saint: the poor, she’s having a hard time too. Or you resort to cynicism: “Oh, hello, there is the dream couple!” When you see her intimately with the guy in the street café about whom she complained bitterly yesterday.
The next time but one: Speak plain language! “I don’t feel like I have been seen, I would like our friendship to be different. I notice that our conversations go round in circles, do you?” It is quite possible that the pronunciation will detoxify the relationship, because the girlfriend hardly acted out of calculation. By the way: Could it be that she too has a screwed-up relationship with anger if she prefers to blaspheme you about her partner, mother or boss than to pour them straight wine?
In politics
You are the sovereign, after all, we live in a democracy. In practical terms, however, you don’t feel like that: whether coal exit, mask obligation or wealth tax – decisions are constantly being made that make you angry.
What to do with the anger There are endless ways to venture out: an abundance of social networks, friends, colleagues. Problem: We often don’t feel better afterwards. Anger mobilizes energy, but it doesn’t get anywhere.
What to do with the anger – but right? First of all, see where the feeling comes from: Do I generally have a problem with authority, or is it really about factual issues? Then look further: To what extent does the problem affect me, and what ends the feeling of powerlessness? I can join an initiative, collect signatures, address my MPs or my MPs. But also decide: I don’t have to play along here, I’d rather stay in energy-saving mode as an observer. No cowardice, just healthy self-protection. Even so, I take responsibility instead of remaining the victim of circumstances.
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