It’s easy to fall into the people-pleasing trap. Coming back out… less so. According to a US psychologist, these two questions can help.
We know from various experiments and psychological studies that it is generally good for us to make other people happy. It makes us happy to give something to someone, it increases our satisfaction and self-confidence to help a person.
However, some people experience feeling empty and unfulfilled even though they are committed to and caring for those around them. In some cases, people-pleasing can be behind it.
People Pleasing essentially means that a person is disproportionately concerned with what other people think and that they usually put other people’s wants and needs ahead of their own. At least in the beginning, people pleasing usually results in those affected receiving gratitude, sympathy and positive feedback. That’s why people pleasing is so tempting. This is why it is so easy for some people to adopt people-pleasing behavior patterns. And so hard to get rid of.
The American psychologist Mark Travers shared two questions in the online edition of Forbes magazine that people who have fallen into the vortex of people pleasing can ask themselves in order to find their way out again. Anyone who follows the people-pleasing course for the long term will usually fall by the wayside sooner or later.
Psychologist reveals two questions that will help free you from the people-pleasing trap
1. What is your motivation?
In many cases, responding to other people brings us a lot. It enables us to have close relationships such as friendships or partnerships, strengthens us in our professional environment, and tends to make everyday life more pleasant and easier for us. All of these are good reasons to devote attention and energy to those around us.
However, there is often another motivation behind people pleasing: those affected try to compensate for problems with their self-perception through their behavior. The appreciation and gratitude that those around them show them for their courteous nature should compensate for their lack of self-worth. This may work to some extent – but there is always the danger that others will take advantage of them without appreciating them or reject their efforts. Making your self-worth dependent solely on other people is always tricky.
2. Does your behavior reflect your true feelings?
Especially in intimate relationships, we often have the desire to make an effort for a loved one. We want a harmonious relationship and feel better when the other person is happy. We then often behave authentically, i.e. act in accordance with our feelings when we forgive something, compromise or not enter into an argument in a certain situation.
People Pleasing, on the other hand, often leads to a loss of authenticity. Those affected suppress their feelings and act contrary to them in order to please other people and be as comfortable as possible. If they behave routinely, this can lead to them forgetting how to express their feelings and react accordingly.
Conclusion
The line between healthy social behavior and people pleasing is blurred and difficult to distinguish in many places. A strong indication that we have violated it is when we ourselves are feeling bad, but we are contributing to the happiness of those around us. The questions mentioned can provide further clarity and show a way out of the people-pleasing trap: Learning self-care and working on perceiving and dealing with your own feelings are the first and most important steps towards freedom.
Sources used: forbes.com, psychologytoday.com