Many of our behaviors and characteristics are shaped at least to a certain extent in our childhood – including our way of loving, as many experts believe. You can read here which love styles are differentiated and which early childhood experiences are behind them.
How we show and communicate love, how we prioritize it in our lives, even how we feel love, is if not completely individual, then at least very different and diverse. For example, we know the 5 languages of love, relationship roles such as closeness versus distance, dominance versus subordination, which should ideally complement each other in a partnership in such a way that they balance each other, and numerous other theories that can help us and to understand our partners a little better.
The two marriage therapists Milan and Kay Yerkovich have developed another exciting model. They differentiate between five love styles, each of which they attribute to a large extent to certain early childhood influences. These five love styles are:
- The Pleaser
- The Victim
- The Controller
- The * the undecided ("The Vacillator")
- The Avoider
We will now look at what is meant by the respective love style and what childhood experiences the Yerkovichs attribute to in detail.
5 styles of love and how they are shaped in our childhood
1. The Pleaser
In their childhood, pleasers typically had to deal with extremely critical, but also overly protective parents. As children they always tried to be good and "good", to do everything right and not to be a burden for their family.
Characteristics that can remain from this constellation in adulthood include an excessive fear of conflict, the inability to say no or to stand up for one's own opinion and needs. In addition, pleasers are generally very attentive to others, can read their fellow human beings extremely well and have a fine sense of their moods and feelings. And it is precisely these skills that they use to meet the needs of others – primarily their partners.
If, on the other hand, pleasers have the feeling of disappointing their loved ones or not being "good" enough, they can simply run away. In order to be able to lead healthy and stable relationships, it would be good for pleasers to learn to take their own feelings seriously and to share them with their partner instead of always doing what is expected of them.
2. The Victim
The Yerkovich couple associate the victim with people who grew up in a particularly chaotic home, and who may have been at the mercy of aggressive or even violent parents. As children they learned to behave as inconspicuously as possible and, if necessary, to withdraw into their dreams and ideas.
Victims typically have low self-esteem even in adulthood; some live with anxiety or depression. Paradoxically, according to the Yerkovichs, they are often drawn to dominant personalities because they remind them of their parents – keyword "people always prefer the familiar to the unfamiliar, even if it is associated with pain".
Victims are very passive in relationships and just let things happen. If things go very well for a long time, they develop fears because they always fear that it will soon pop again. In order to be able to lead a healthy and stable relationship, the expert couple advises the victim to learn to feel self-love and to stand up for themselves instead of putting up with everything.
3. The controller
As children, controllers usually felt neglected and barely protected. They had to learn early on to take care of themselves and be independent and tough.
Even in adulthood, controllers try to avoid feelings such as fear, insecurity and helplessness at all costs, because this is the only way they believe they can stay in control. Controllers typically don't associate anger with vulnerability, but rather see it as a means of feeling stronger. Controllers are extremely reluctant to leave their comfort zone because they then feel exposed and defenseless. And they prefer to solve problems alone and in their own way.
In relationships, according to the Yerkovichs, controllers behave very dominantly and patronizingly, and they can also try to control their partner. In order to be able to lead a healthy partnership, it would be advisable for controllers to learn to trust, let go and get a grip on their own anger.
4. The Vacillator
For Vacillator, their own parents were primarily unpredictable. Basically, as children, Vacillators never had the feeling that they were important or even a priority for their parents; on the contrary, they lived with the constant fear of being let down by them.
Vacillators typically develop a pronounced longing for love, they want stability and reliability from a relationship. As adults, they tend to idealize love and partnership. That is why they get doubts and fears with the smallest conflicts and difficulties. In addition, vacillators usually have severe internal struggles and experience a lot of emotional stress, as they are very sensitive and also tend to attach great importance to small things.
In order to have stable, healthy partnerships, this love type would do well to learn how to keep calm and give a relationship time to develop naturally. It would be better for them to really get to know someone first and to keep their expectations in check, instead of committing themselves rashly and with a high probability of being disappointed in the end.
5. The Avoider
As children, Avoiders were taught by their parents that feelings make us weak and that we should always strive for independence. They learn early on to be independent and to put aside their emotions and needs.
As adults, Avoiders keep other people at a distance as much as possible and rely more on logic and rational arguments than on their feelings. For them, there is hardly anything more uncomfortable than the mood swings of others.
In order to be able to lead a healthy and stable relationship, the therapist couple recommends the Avoider type to learn to let others close to them and to deal openly and honestly with their own feelings.
annotation: Of course, every model that divides people into five types is a strong simplification and generalization. Direct conclusions from personality traits to childhood and upbringing – or vice versa – must generally be viewed with caution, as people can react very differently to external circumstances and requirements. Nonetheless, models like the Yerkovichs' can help us to understand ourselves and our behavior better, at least in part, and make us aware of patterns that may be worth breaking into in order to live happier and more freely.
Sources used: howwelove.com, elephantjournal.com