All inclusive parents
Subtle mistakes parents make when raising dependent children
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No matter what age the child may be, whether they are still at school, starting their professional life or have already spent several years in the working world: a parental habit causes a lack of independence in the offspring, which can last for a long time.
It is completely normal and right to want to support your own children, to offer them help and advice and to look after them. These are all components of a loving relationship. But if these are too pronounced, it can lead to a lack of independence in the offspring. Then parents become constant rescuers instead of supporters. The children do not learn to rely on themselves – but always return to their parents; until adulthood.
Of course it’s nice to be needed and to know that you are a “safe haven” for your child. This shows a great deal of trust in the relationship. However, if parents’ care becomes too great, they may prevent their offspring from further developing their own abilities and believing in themselves.
Signs of dependent children in adulthood
Children who receive help from their parents in all situations can consider themselves lucky. And in general, lovingly supporting the offspring is part of the parent-child relationship. But if this turns into an all-inclusive lifestyle package, it becomes too much. And this Habits may extend into adulthood. For example, it could look like this:
- Parents take on general activities such as laundry or cleaning – regardless of whether the child still lives at home or not.
- One of the most common signs is that parents Handle payments or other finances. For example, the car and the associated insurance or the rent.
- Children ask their parents about seemingly banal little things for advice or have the associated tasks taken over directly.
- Parents limit themselvesto support your child – perhaps postponing vacations or meetings to be there for them.
- Parents divert negative emotions from their childrenfor example by placing the blame on others.
Of course, helping the child out every now and then is nothing to worry about. For example, when life has just begun after school. It’s normal to help out in one place or another at the beginning. However, if such habits persist for years, they can have consequences for parents and children.
Effects of dependent parents
The lack of independence of an adult child has consequences. In such a parent-child relationship, both the stability and the autonomy of the parties affected suffer.
… on the parents
The ongoing helper role can overwhelm parents and drain energybecause they always have to take care of themselves – by driving, organizing things or making frequent calls, for example. It is difficult to switch off because they are worried about the dependent child and often also about what happens when they behave recklessly. For example, ignoring your own bills, which your parents will have to guarantee later. You are the scapegoat when something goes wrong. The pressure of this out-of-balance relationship can lead to… the parents want their own independence back and more distance from the child.
…on the children
Next to the lack of independence the child can also selfish or irresponsible behavior put on display. After all, parents jump as soon as a problem arises – they themselves are the center of their attention. And, to put it bluntly: If you don’t learn that you have to pay the rent first before you buy the latest console, you’re relying on your parents’ money instead of yourself. Continuing a job even though it’s exhausting? The easier way is to rely on the parents instead. Mentally and emotionally they are less mature than other people their age. They rely on their parents as they have not learned to worry about the everyday things in life – like finances or a job. Often they have no motivation for such things because they have never needed them.
How parents and children work on the imbalance
In less serious cases, the family can start with the following:
- Set boundaries: The limits that need to be set are very individual. For example, it could be a better financial framework or that you are welcome to return to your parents’ house temporarily, but not permanently – unless of course in an emergency.
But even if an excited call comes in, it’s best for parents to give themselves 24 hours to respond. Is it really that urgent? Is it something they need to intervene in? Or a problem that the child should be able to handle alone? - Realistic ideas and goals: Not everything can change overnight. A disruptive relationship will take a while to regain balance. There will be difficulties in communication, and the behavior of both parties will also take a while to improve and break the old pattern.
Is it about finances that should no longer be borne? Then don’t take it all away at once, but little by little. At first the child may only cover the rent and later, after they have more independence, also the insurance for the car. - Follow the rules: The most important thing is to stick to the limits and goals you set. This is usually one of the biggest problems. On the one hand, because the parents are used to being careless with their child, and on the other hand, because the child is used to demanding things from them. There will therefore be arguments, but the family can grow through the arguments.
It’s okay if it doesn’t work on your own. If the parent has tried several times to explain the problem to the child, it may be time to seek professional help.
Sources used: betterhelp.com, regain.us, forbes.com, psychologytoday.com