The good news first: quarrels in the relationship are perfectly normal. Even the happiest couples shred without breaking their love. By arguing, they demonstrate their mutual trust and that they know they can forgive and reconcile. But now the bad news: constant arguments not only affect the mood, but can also be an indication that something is fundamentally wrong in the partnership. Here we tell you whether or when you have to worry and what happy couples do when arguing.
Disputes in the relationship: causes and definition
Of course, we all have an idea of what an argument is – but it's probably different for each of us. For some people there is shouting when arguing, for others there is silence, some are injured, others are angry, others are liberated. What we perceive as a dispute is individual because we feel differently and have different ways of dealing with confrontation. Therefore, the definition of dispute in Duden is rather vague:
- violent engagement, quarreling (with a personal opponent) in often excited discussions, heated exchanges, often also in violent situations
The origin of a dispute is usually a conflict, d. H. conflicting needs, opinions or views of different people. In the case of emotional conflicts (because the people we are in conflict with are close to and mean something, or because the topic is particularly important to us), we tend to deal with them in an argument rather than in a cool discussion – that is, "violent", "excited" and "heated", as the Duden says.
Sometimes there are arguments too Discharges of general negative feelings like stress, aversion, anger, disappointment or hatred. Then we have to see what triggers these emotions: the partner? The relationship? The living situation? In this case, arguing is more like the symptom of a disease that we have to treat, conflict resolution is more or less the therapy.
Quarrels in the relationship: the most common topics
The perennial favorite of couples' issues has been for years and according to different studies:
- Allocation of tasks in the household
- money
- In-laws
- raising children
- time together
- Leisure activities
- Sex and love life
So if you argue with your sweetheart about these issues, you can be reassured that this is obviously inevitable. As a rule, conflicts in these areas can be resolved relatively well if one argues constructively and appropriately (see below).
It becomes worrying and complicated when a couple often argue about big and deep issues, e.g. B.
- life situation
- Character traits and habits of the partner
- Past and old wounds
According to a study by the University of Tennessee, happy couples largely ignore such issues when arguing. In fact, conflicts in these areas can be better handled in quiet conversations, ideally with professional support from a couple therapist, for example, than in a heated argument …
How much quarrel in the relationship is normal?
It would be suuuper practical to know how much argument is common in a partnership and when we have to start thinking – but unfortunately we cannot. As I said: what we perceive as a dispute differs from person to person, and how quickly we "get excited" in a conflict, even more so.
Maybe nice to know anyway: In one non-representative survey we let our users vote how often they argue with their partner, the result is as follows (as of April 2, 2020):
- Daily: 11 percent
- Once a week: 31 percent
- Two to three times a month: 38 percent
- A few times a year: 18 percent
- Less common: 6 percent
As you can see: So far, there is no clear trend. (Click here for the article with the survey)
Quarrels in the relationship: 5 characteristics that characterize healthy quarrels
Apart from safe and more controversial issues, there are also good and problematic ways to fight. Experts generally classify the following behaviors as healthy dispute behavior:
1. Objectively criticize
- "You never do what you're supposed to do!"
- "You always just want to get your head through!"
- "What does the kitchen look like again ?!"
THAT is objective criticism! Generalizations, allegations, allegations – such things are in a dispute in the relationship, which is whistled as a foul in football. Factual criticism refers to a concrete (wrong) behaviorn and ideally involves a description of your own perception as well as the consequences or effects that the behavior had on you. Example:
- "You didn't tidy up the kitchen as we had agreed. That really upsets me. Why didn't you do it?"
2. Accept criticism
Denying mistakes and rejecting guilt is child's play. Adults should be able to accept and respond to criticism without justifying themselves and talking out. Anyone who responds to criticism shows the other person that he hears him and tries to understand him. Those who justify themselves want to refute the critic and be right themselves. But being right is not the goal of a dispute in the relationship. The aim is to resolve a conflict, understand each other and ideally find a compromise.
3. Respectful treatment
Even if the emotions boil up and you would prefer to slam doors: Insults and ridicule are taboo! Respect and decency must also be maintained in a dispute, especially with a person close to you. Those who fail to pull themselves together and keep failing have a problem that they should work on themselves. After all: getting loud, waving wildly and maybe hitting the table are allowed.
4. Take the situation into account
Attention! Not every situation is suitable for arguing. Just before work between hinges, after a long day or in public are not good opportunities for a heated argument. If a conflict arises under such circumstances, you should agree to argue later when you are among yourself and can fully engage.
5. Self reflection
A dispute always involves questioning one's own perception and thinking about oneself. We have to, anyway, if we want to explain our position to the other, because for that we have to know and understand them ourselves. However, both must also be ready for self-reflection, otherwise the referee would whistle a foul again.
Would you like more practical tips and background on quarrels in the partnership? We'll tell you a very simple trick that you can use to avoid unnecessary arguments, which word you use to end each argument and what confident women never do in an argument. You will also learn from us which communication errors can intensify a dispute. And if you want to let off steam without arguing: check out our community.