Couples therapist reveals
This is how you can endure – and learn to love – your partner's quirks
© Stock-Asso / Shutterstock
Is love the answer to all questions? Not quite. It also provides quite a few. Couples therapist Oskar Holzberg answers them all.
How should you deal with your partner's quirks? English! By appreciating eccentricity.
Love is a roller coaster ride. At least for Sabrina. There are days and weeks when she is happy, yes happy, that she shares her life with Alexander. And then there are other times when she can't stand him and sometimes even thinks she has to part. How can she seriously be with a man who doesn't seem to have any control over his eyebrows, which bounce wildly when he's tense, which he then denies? And what about his constant, unmotivated throat clearing? And that he keeps singing some stupid pop songs from the 90s, where he doesn't hit a single note correctly?
What is actually bothering us?
Oskar Holzberg, 67, has been advising couples in his Hamburg practice for over 20 years and has been married for over 30 years. His current book is called "Neue Schlüsselsätze der Liebe" (240 pages, 11 euros, DuMont).
© Ilona Habben
Everyone has problems, because there is no normality anyway if we don't want to define it for one another. But there are times when the annoying behavior of the partner becomes a nasty point that digs into our nervous system – without us being able to defend ourselves against it. When he is late, as always, picking his nose, farting, licking his plate, leaving the stubble in the sink or bringing in a pile of CDs from the flea market. Our experience is then that his terrible behavior pisses us off. But the truth is probably different: We are already mad. We are already disappointed, hurt, angry because we felt rejected, betrayed or not taken seriously. We are frustrated with the lack of emotional connection and therefore look critical.
Like beauty, quirks also arise in the eye of the beholder. It is not his or her quirks that have gotten worse; our discontent has increased. And an irritating or annoying behavior is now an option to attach our dissatisfaction to it. If the anger rises over quirks, that is an indicator that something is wrong with us. And we should ask ourselves what is actually bothering us.
Of course, there are also the habits and behaviors that we constantly come across. Socks that are generally left in front of the sofa increase blood pressure. Then we should reconsider whether this quirk is a behavior that our partner can really change, and not an involuntary reaction, comparable to sweating profusely under stress.
Humor for imperfection
We have the best chances if we describe to the other what his or her quirk triggers in us, what is difficult for us about it. And in a relaxed situation we can always ask our partner how they think we should best respond to their quirk if we find it difficult to deal with it in a relaxed manner. Because some people get their own quirks on their own.
But best of all, if we keep our sense of humor for the imperfections of life. And instead of hating the quirks, see how they make up the person we love.
Do you also have a "question of love" for this column? Write to [email protected]
"Couple adox" is the new podcast with Oskar Holzberg and his wife Claudia. You speak openly about the issues that keep challenging relationships. Funny, exciting and insightful! I.a. on AudioNow.
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